Sky and ocean have the same transparency here at Texada Island, soothing to my eyes. Pleasant breezes stroke my hair and cheeks gently. I am taking in this summer beauty into all my body cells and soul, and…. thinking of Linda.

It’s been two years… for me it was a short time that just whisked by, but it was a hard time, struggle after struggle, for Linda. August 2018, on the first day of our camping trip, Neil and I visited Linda in Kamloops. Linda had just recovered from her first stroke. It was a sunny, hot, dry, typical summer day in Canada’s west…. just like today. She was telling us about her imperfect vision. Her vision had narrowed and made her not possible to drive. What we didn’t know at the time was that it was merely a beginning… In two years, she suffered two more strokes, and…. she was gone…. when we were just talking about going to see her again in early September this year.

I met Linda in a very unusual way. She was married to and divorced from Neil’s divorced wife’s brother. It’s rather a complicating relationship that if it was in Japan, I would have never had the chance to meet her. I am divorced too. I have my beloved ex-sister-in-law and her children whom I would love to see. Since my marriage had broken down, they can’t see me…… let alone, meet Neil. However, Neil and Linda kept in touch, and I had a privilege of getting to know her.

Flipping through my recipe cards, I find a few recipes passed down from Linda. She grew her own vegetables and fruits. Her cooking/baking was simple, humble, and delicious. One of them is brown rice shortbread cookies. Years ago, when she visited us around Christmas time, she brought these cookies for us. I loved the curious texture of the cookies, and ever since, it became my favorite recipe for the season.

Linda had a hard life. After her divorce, she made her living by social work, taking care of physically/mentally challenged persons at her own home 24/7. She was passionate about gardening, always surrounded by beautiful flowers and vegetables, loved cooking for others, loved her children and grandchildren. Her life was all about taking care of people, making people happy… nothing about luxurious possessions or trips or anything like that.

I wonder. Did she pass over thinking she had a happy life? Well….what is happy life anyway? You cannot buy happy life with money. Staying in a super expensive hotel, dining at a famous restaurant, having all the power to control other people, none of them can make you really happy. I have read somewhere that Happiness is something you give to others, not something you take from or receive from others. Your action contributing to other being’s wellness becomes your own happiness. The key word is your ACTION. Your “steps forward” bring happiness. Not just sitting around and thinking.

Linda was a person of action. I’m sure she departed thinking she had a happy life.

I’m sad….but happy for her.

すき通るように真っ青な空と海、タクセーダ島のデッキに座っていると頬を撫でるそよ風が心地良い。美しい夏を噛みしめながらリンダを想う。もうあれから2年…あっという間に過ぎた短い月日、でもリンダには苦難苦行の2年だった。ニールと私がキャンプ旅行の初めの日に脳梗塞から立ち直ったばかりのリンダをカムループスに訪れたのは2年前の8月、今日のようにかんかん照りで乾燥しきったカナダ西部の真夏日だった。「視力がいまいち回復しきらなくて運転できないのよ」と話していたリンダ、その後、2回もさらに脳梗塞を繰り返して、彼女は逝ってしまった。今年もキャンプの途中でリンダに会いに行こうと話していた矢先だった。

思えばリンダと私は珍しい出会い方をした。ニールの別れた奥さんの弟さんの別れた連れ合いだったリンダ、そんな複雑な関係だったら日本にいたらなかなか出会うチャンスないよね。私も離婚してるからわかるけど別れた夫側の親戚とは離婚以来全くと言っていいほど会うチャンスない。中には懐かしい大好きな義妹や元甥や姪がいるけど残念ながら会えない。ラッキーなことに離婚後もニールとリンダは交流を続けていたおかげで私もリンダと出会えたんだよね。よかった〜。

私の料理カードをめくっていくといくつかのリンダのレシピに出会う。リンダは野菜や果物を自分で育てて、素朴で飾らない、でも最高に美味しいお料理やお菓子をよく作ってくれた。玄米ショートブレッドクッキーもそのひとつ。何年か前にクリスマスの時期に遊びに来てくれて自作のクッキーを持ってきてくれた。玄米の食感が面白くてそれ以来私も毎年作るようになった。

苦労の連続だったリンダの人生。離婚してからは社会福祉の仕事で障害のある人たちを自宅に引き取って面倒を見ながら生計を立てていた。贅沢からは程遠い人生、彼女のささやかな楽しみは庭仕事と料理と子供達や孫たちに会うことくらいだったんじゃないかな。いつも美しい花や果物や野菜に囲まれてたリンダ。人の世話ばかりしながら、贅沢をするでもなく旅行するでもなく…

リンダ、幸せな人生だったと思って旅立っていけたかな？そもそもそれって何だろう。幸せな人生ってお金では買えないものだから、最高級なホテルに泊まって贅沢な食事をしても、他人を意のままに動かせる力があっても幸せだったとは思えないかもしれないよね。どこかで読んだけど、幸せとは他者に与えることだ、他者から与えられることでも受け取ることでもない。自分の行動でいかに人を、または他の生き物を大切にして、助けて、幸せにするか…それが自分の幸せになるんだという。キーは「行動」。行動することが幸せに通じる。座って考えているだけじゃなくて、実際に動いて行動すること、最初の一歩を踏み出すことから幸せが始まる。

リンダは行動力のある人だったなあと思う。きっと幸せな人生だったと思って旅立ってくれたと思う。

でも寂しい… 😞

I was scrolling down my Facebook pages the other day, not really paying attention to the contents, a post jumped to my eyes. It was an obituary for Roy Hepworth. Oh no…. I thought… Roy has passed away…. I lost another favorite person…. so sad.

2 years ago about this time, I met Roy for the first time. I sought his advice on purchasing an organ for my home. What I really wanted was a pipe organ. However, of course, there is no space for it in my house. I didn’t have the confidence to take proper care of such a delicate instrument. Small pipe organ would be limiting in what I could play on it. Since I do love grand contemporary music as much as gentle early music, I thought I should get a versatile electronic organ. It took me many years thinking about it, debating back and forth within myself to come to that decision. I finally contacted Roy and sought for his advice.

Roy spent a whole day with me. He drove me over the USA/Canada border to the American side, took me to his facility, and let me try out all kinds of organs. He showed me, explained to me, and let me experience different sounds and touches.

It took us 2 hours just to cross the USA/Canada border. While driving and waiting at the border, we talked. He told me about his life, his upbringings, music, his health, his future wishes…. and I became very fond of him.

It’s interesting. His life and my life crossed only for 3 days. But, I know…. I will never forget Roy for the rest of my life. He was a wonderful person who emanated his warmth. He embraced me with his incredible kindness and caring. You know…. I was merely one of his many clients, but he had a way to make me feel like his valuable friend.

It has been 30 years since I arrived here in Canada. I met many wonderful people, and feel so blessed. Roy was so special in that he left me with such a strong deep impression only in 3 days. Although I have tried to keep in touch with my dear friends, I lost some of them somehow….losing contact, moving far away, or whatever changes in our life paths. Regardless, I am grateful that our lives crossed. Every friend enriched my life….. Now that I am in my 60s, I appreciate them more than ever.

People have so much depth…. that’s what surprised me over and over my last 30 years in Canada. A person who would look shallow could end up to be so deep and wise. Friends who had struggled with money, health, family, relationship, etc…. could have learned and obtained so much wisdom and compassion. Opposite could be also true. An active successful person who had the appearance of being fully confident and happy could have been struggling and suffering to the degree of self destruction…

Meeting people, for me, is what makes my life exciting and interesting. It makes me happy. It means a lot to me. I hope I would keep meeting and encountering people till the end of my life. This Covid 19 pandemic has brought considerably less opportunities to meet people and get stimulations to my brain….friends, watch out for my rusting brain!

I am looking forward to returning to “normal”, whatever that may be.

数日前、ぼうっとFacebookの画面をスクロールしていたらある訃報が目に飛び込んできた。ロイ・ヘップワースという人の訃報だった。ああ、ロイ、亡くなられたんだ…また一人私の大好きな人が亡くなった…なんとも寂しい気持ちになった。

2年前の今頃ロイと初めて出会って、自宅用のオルガンを購入する相談をした。本当はパイプオルガンがいいんだけど置く場所もないし、デリケートな楽器なので維持していく自信もないし、小さなパイプオルガンだと弾ける曲が制限されるからどんな大曲でも弾ける電子オルガンの方がいいかな、とか散々悩んだ挙句のことだ。

ロイは1日をフルに費やして私を国境を超えてアメリカ側にある倉庫までドライブしてくれた。そこでさまざまなオルガンを試し弾きさせてくれて私の好む音とタッチを見つける手伝いをしてくれた。

途中、国境で2時間も足止めを食らって待たされたけど、その間はロイの生い立ちのこと、人生のこと、音楽のこと、色々なことを話し合った。彼のことが大好きになった。

とても不思議。ロイの人生と私の人生はたったの三日間しかつながらなかったけど、私はきっと一生忘れないと思う。温かさと優しさに包まれるような三日間。私はただただ彼のお客にすぎなかったんだけど、三日間の間にすっかり大事な友達になったかのような気がした。

思えばカナダに来て30年、いろんな出会いがあった。私は本当に恵まれていたと思う。ロイのようにたったの三日間で私の心に刻みついた人もいれば、30年間ずっと親しい友達関係が続いている人もいる。何年間か親しくしていたのにある日プッツリ音信が途絶えた人もいれば、遠くに引っ越して会えなくなった人もいる。でも一人一人との出会いが確実に私の人生を豊かにしてくれている… 60代の今、それをすごく感じる。

それにしても人って奥が深いなあと思う。あっけらかんとして何も考えていないような印象の人でも付き合ってみるとものすごく苦労した人で賢明で思慮深かったり… 自信家で人生を謳歌しているかのように見える人でも実は気が弱くて自滅すれすれだったり…。

人との出会いがあるからこそ人生は素晴らしい… 生きてる意味がある。これからますます年を重ねていく私、どうかいくつになっても出会いがありますように。コロナで人と過ごす機会が激減して頭も心も錆び付いてきているような気がする今日この頃。一日も早くコロナ騒ぎが終りますように。

Several days ago, I was looking at my monthly magazine which I subscribe from Japan. Suddenly, the name and photo of the author of an article jumped at me. I gasped. It was Ms. K. I knew her from my piano era. This is a top class magazine, something equivalent to “The Economist” or “Maclean’s” here. She wrote an article? Wow….!

I could say that Ms. K was in many ways my rival when we were students. We were both about the same age. We didn’t go to same school, but both majored in piano performance. We studied with the same piano teacher. We always met and participated at various concerts and master classes. She was a beautiful woman, tall and slender, and performed with such crystal, sensitive, and sophisticated tones.

I had a boyfriend then. We were serious about our relationship. Mr. T and I were getting married after I graduated from the music college. My graduation was coming soon and I went to see my father who was working in Indonesia.

When I came back from the 10 day trip, Ms. K phoned. She said that while I was away, she got a call from Mr. T and they had been seeing each other. They had even became intimate. When I asked about it to Mr. T, he admitted that was true, but he didn’t want to lose me or her.

Can you imagine how I felt that time?

Am I hearing somebody’s voice saying “no big deal that happens all the time….”?

It was a terrible shock for me.

So, I declared that I was ending the relationship with him; I stopped answering his phone calls; I took back everything he gave me to his house; and I completely shut him down from my life.

I was in a total mess. I couldn’t keep my tears stopped. I was literally crying all the time.

On contrary, Ms. K was amazing. Regardless of what happened, she continued seeing him and had a big fancy wedding with Mr. T the year after. She said to me that she was marrying him not for love but for revenge. And she meant it. About 6 months after the wedding, she left Japan to study piano in Germany, leaving him behind. Then, she divorced him, and remarried a German man.

After that I never heard any rumor about her or him. I got busy with my own life raising children….moving to Canada….I never thought of Ms. K or Mr. T. They were totally forgotten.

40+years later, when I went to Japan last year, I saw Mr. T’s name in a bookstore. He published a book and it has become a bestseller! According to his book he had a successful career and had been the Vice President of the huge famous beer company in Japan when he retired. His book was about how he turned the losing business around to a winning business.

I googled Ms. K. Amazingly, she has been active as a writer as well, publishing a number of books and articles. She still lives in Germany, but comes to Japan often to give presentations, sit in panel discussions, and even has a lecturer position in an university. Apparently she is a celebrity in Japan! Ummmm…. wow….. I didn’t know that…. After all, she is so beautiful and such a smart person. As she had proven herself to me, she is a person who can think outside the box. It really sounds like her….doesn’t it? I was impressed.

So, why am I telling you this story?

I want to say that life can be interesting, adventurous, and so incredibly unpredictable.

Ms. K and I experienced the same drama 40+ years ago. We were both shocked and devastated. And each of us reacted completely differently. Of course, we have different personalities, different ways of feeling and handling situations. Subsequently we did walk on completely different journeys thereafter.

However, we had one thing in common. We both did not hide. We dealt with the disaster right away in our own ways. We cried hard, but kept on walking our lives…..

And I think that is important. If you hide and withdraw, your life stops at that point. You are just stumping at the same spot, then soon negativity sets in, become more and more bitter. And….nothing changes. Nothing develops. No progress.

But…. you know what?

You are aging every minute. Soon, your self esteem goes down the drain, and a chunk of your life would be wasted.

Be brave! It doesn’t matter how small a step can be, just put your foot forward!

数日前のこと。わたしが毎月日本から取り寄せている月刊誌の文藝春秋を見ていてびっくりした。昔々の友人の名前を見つけたのだ。短い記事だけど彼女の写真入りで立派な論評が載ってている。一流紙の文藝春秋に。すごいなー。

Kさんは学生時代から何かにつけて私にとってはライバルとも言える人だった。年もほぼ同じ、大学は違ったけど、同じピアノ専攻、同じ先生に師事して、勉強会や演奏会でいつも顔を合わせた。彼女はすらりと細身で美しく、透き通って繊細で洗練されたピアノの音色でステキな演奏をする人だった。

当時私には真面目に付き合っているTさんという彼氏がいた。ゆくゆくは結婚しようと話していた。ちょうど私も大学を卒業することだし、父親が当時インドネシア勤務だったので父にも会いたいし、10日間のインドネシア旅行に一人で出かけた。

旅行から帰国するとすぐにKさんから電話がかかってきた。話を聞くと私の留守中にKさんとTさんはデートを重ね、すでに深い関係になってしまったという。Tさんに問い詰めるとそれはそうだけど、私とも彼女とも別れたくないんだという。

その時の私のショック想像できる？

そんなのよくある話だよ、なんて声が聞こえてきそう。

でも私にとってはすごいショックで、「Tさんとは別れる」と宣言して電話にも出ず、今までにプレゼントされた物いっさいがっさいを彼の家にまで返しに行って完璧に連絡をたった。

その頃の私は、何もしてなくても涙が溢れ出て止まらない…という情けない状態。

でもKさんはすごいの。それから一年後くらいかな。彼女はTさんと盛大な結婚式をあげたの。「私は結婚してTさんに復讐するの」と言い放って…。そして彼女はそれを証明して見せた。結婚式後半年目くらいにドイツの音楽院に留学することが決まった彼女はTさんを置き去りにしてドイツに渡航し、離婚宣言したあげく、さっさとドイツ人と再婚してしまった。

その後は彼女の噂はすっかり聞かなくなって、私も自分の生活が忙しくカナダに移ったりして彼女のこともTさんのことも思い出すこともなく、すっかり忘れてたの。

そして40+年が過ぎ…前回日本に帰った時に本屋さんでTさんが書いた本がベストセラーになって並んでいるのをみてびっくりした。彼はその後、勤めていた某有名ビール会社の副社長にまで出世して彼の成功談を本にして出版したのね。

Kさんも調べてみたらまだドイツ在住だけど、もう20年くらい前から日本で作家として活躍していてあちこちで講演したり、けっこうなセレブリティなのね。うーん知らなかった〜。でも聡明で美人で、結婚式の騒動でもわかるように突拍子もないことをやってのける勇気のある人だから、ありえるなあ〜と思って感心感心。

結局何が言いたいかというと人生って大部分は自分次第なんだよってこと。40+年前に同じ出来事に出会ってまったく異なる反応を示したKさんと私。性格がまったく違うし感じ方も考え方も違うからその後の人生も全く違うんだけど、そんな私たち二人に共通することがあるの。それは私たちは隠れなかったってこと。隠れないで、泣きながらでも行動を起こし続けたってこと。

それって大切なことだと思うの。隠れて何も行動しなかったら何も変わらない、どんな展開もない。それでも歳だけは確実に重ねて老いていくんだよ。自分を卑下してネガティブな人生を送ってしまうのはもったいないよね。

どうか勇気を出してどんなに小さな一歩でもいい。前に踏み出してほしい。

It was around Easter, April this year. I heard on YouTube a reflection by a woman minister named Lynn about Dry Bones. It struck me with somehow a shock, and ever since, I have been thinking about it.

The story of Dry Bones is in the Bible. It talks about how God brings back to life the dry bones that are left on the ground. Bones are 💀🦴core of our body. The bones in this story had been left to dry for many many years and forgotten by the world. Suppose they were my bones, and if they were resurrected, they are “me.”

That means, When I suddenly open my eyes, the world is completely different. My beloved family is gone, my house is gone, no friends, no dogs I love, nothing…. just nothing…. I am totally alone. Then, what would I do? Could I still live? Rev. Lynn asked. “Does your core have that strength and wisdom to survive and build up your life again?”

What a terrifying thought!

I was indeed horrified. What would my life be like, if people around me are all strangers, nobody loves me, no house, no money, no nothing. What a lonely scary life it would be…. Do I have the strength and wisdom to live through that?

Hard to think I can…..

So….what does it mean to strengthen my core?…..what can I do to attain such wisdom? I’ve been thinking about that for nearly 2 months now. I have no answer yet.

イースターの頃だったかな。YouTubeでリンという女性の牧師さんが干からびた骨のお話をされたの。ちょっとショッキングでそれ以来何かにつけて思い出す。内容はあまり詳しくは覚えてないんだけど、ある日神様が土中にある干からびてしまった骨をよみがえらせるというお話。旧約聖書のエゼキエル書に書いてあるお話なのね。骨というのは💀🦴人間の最も単純な核ともいうべきもの。干からびてその核だけが残った私がある日よみがえったとしたら…

ということは、ある日突然、目が覚めたら、浦島太郎のように、全てが変わってしまっている。愛する家族もいない、家もない、友達もいない、可愛い犬たちもいない、なにもないところからたった一人で再出発しなければならないとしたら…

あなたは生きていける？リン牧師はそう問いかけたの。あなたの核はそれでも生きていけるだけの強さと知恵を持っている？

なんだかその問いかけを聞いてぞーっとした。

もし私のまわりが知らない人ばかりで、誰も私を愛してくれなくて、お金も家もなかったら、どんな生活になるんだろう…どんなに寂しい生活になるんだろう… 私にそんな強さと知恵があるんだろうか？

ないよなぁ〜。

じゃあどうすればばいいのかなぁ。考えはじめてもう2ヶ月近くになるけどまだわからない。

BOM BOM BOM BOM KABOOM ‼️💥

OMG What happened!! Rutsu jumped out of the basement. I ran down the stairs. Oh no. I knew it! I knew something would happen. It was too good of a deal….And….. it did.

“Oh Sxxx! Fxxx!” Swears Neil.

I’ve been married to Neil for 20 years now. Yesterday, for the very first time, he said to me that he will help me with vacuuming today. “What?” “Really?” Half unsure, half skeptical, I handed over the vacuum cleaner to him.

So, the enormous sound….what has fallen down the stairs was not Neil, blessedly. It was our expensive vacuum cleaner. It fell all the way down from the top of the wooden stairs. We bought this one 9 years ago. It’s a German made, high quality, but incredibly heavy machine. Every time I use it, I feel like my hip would go twisted. It was alright, I could manage it 9 years ago. But now….it’s getting too heavy for an old woman over 60. So, my friend has been helping me with vacuuming every 2 weeks for the last few years in exchange for some cash.

Of course, after the Covid-19 pandemic, this had to be stopped. Now, it’s me who has to vacuum every 2 weeks whipping my pain-dreaded back and hip.

Neil is incredibly clumsy. And, he is a giant. He is 6’9 tall, and weighs over 270 lb. When one is that big, apparently, it becomes easier to break bones, even with a minor pressure or twist. He needs to be extra careful not to be slipping and falling. Nevertheless, he has been struggling endlessly with his bad knees, back, ankle, hernia….the list goes on. Every time he has trouble, my daily life gets messed up. So, I have been overprotective of him and not been asking him, “would you do this?” Or “Would you do that?”

So this husband of mine got so concerned for my back, and offered to help me with vacuuming. Isn’t it amazing? “Are you sure? It’s really heavy….!” I reluctantly handed it over to him. But, what a heroic vacuum cleaner it is! Of course, it’s German, expected to be a tough one! There was not even a scratch and it kept on going for another 3 hours!

Whew….

So grateful to have a clean house again. So grateful that Neil did not fall down the stairs. So grateful for Neil’s warm caring for me. The pandemic reminded me of some wonderful gratitudes. Thank you! 🙏😊

ガラガラガラガッチャーン‼️💥

すごい音がした。ルツが驚いて飛び出してきた。私も「あっちゃー。やってくれた〜」と階下に走り降りた。何かが絶対起こるような気がしてた。やっぱり…現実になった。

Oh Sxxxx! Fxxx! を連発するニール。

ニールと結婚して20年、初めてニールが「僕がバキュームするよ」と言ってくれて「ええ？ホントに？」と半ば信じられない思いでためらいながら掃除機を渡した昨日の出来事だった。

先ほどのすごい音は、9年前に購入したドイツ製の高価な掃除機が階段の上から下まで転げ落ちた音だった。この掃除機はえらく高性能なんだけど、ものすごく重いのがたまに傷。私には重すぎて掃除機を使うたびに腰がひん曲がりそうになる。9年前にはまだ良かったけど、もう60を超えたご老体にはかなり堪える。で、ここ数年来、友人に来てもらっていくばくかの報酬を差し上げて、２週間に一度バキュームしてをもらっていた。

それがご存知のようにコロナのパンデミックで来てもらえなくなった。仕方なく２週間ごとに私が痛い腰に鞭打ちつつバキュームする羽目に…

ニールは注意力散漫で驚くべきドジである上に、巨人だ。身長が2メートル７センチもありゆうに130キロを超える体重を抱える。ここまで巨体だとちょっとした転倒で骨が折れるし、常に、背骨だ腰だ膝だ脱腸だ…とそれゆえのトラブルはあとをたたない。その度に私の生活がかき回されるので、どうしても過保護に扱いがちになり、あれやってくれる？これやってくれる？と頼むことが少なくなってた。

そのニールが私の腰を気づかってバキュームしてくれると言う。「重いよ〜　大丈夫？」と言いながら渡した掃除機。階段から落ちたもののさすがのドイツ製、びくともせず、3時間の掃除に耐えてくれた。

ホッ

家の中がきれいになってくれて感謝。落ちたのがニールでなかったことに感謝。ニールの優しい思いやりに感謝。パンデミックで家にいるしかない今でこその貴重な経験だね。ありがとう。

I live in Canada. Whenever there is an opportunity to learn something in Japanese, I try hard to attend.

It was 2-3 years ago. Sadly I don’t remember what the title of the event was, or who the instructor was, but I went to an interesting presentation that made me think.

The talk was about ‘Ma’(間). ‘Ma’ is a tricky Japanese word, hard to translate exactly right into English. It sort of means ‘empty space’ or ‘space of nothingness’. The lecturer drew three circles like below to explain why ‘Ma’ is important.

She said, the characters for ‘Human being’ are 人間, ‘Time’ are 時間, and ‘Space’ are 空間. You can see that there is a common character in these three words. That is 間 which can be read ‘Ma’. Human being, time, and space are the key factors connected by empty space ‘Ma’. She said, when ‘Ma’ from these three factors meet, there is an encounter, and encounter brings opportunity. For example, when you encounter someone, the two people both have to be in an open mindset. If you are preoccupied with some intense thoughts, you might not notice the other person. And, the two persons have to be at the right place at the right time. When you are there a few minutes later or earlier, you might not meet that person. If two persons were separate from each other by a few meters, they might not encounter. So human beings, time, and space have to be just right for the encounter to happen and to bring opportunities.

So why is Ma so important?

Ma, according to this instructor is a space where there is no obstruction. it is important because that is where ‘Ki’ flows. Ki is a Japanese word for energy or Qi in Chinese. When Ma is stuffed, lost, stuck, or too full, Ki can not flow smoothly. Clear space is necessary because that is where energy flows. If energy cannot flow, there would be no encounter, thus no opportunity.

Hmm hmm…. the instructor continued….so try to have clear space in your heart and let your energy flow, try to have flexibility in your schedule so you are not tied down to minutes and seconds, and try to get rid of unnecessary unwanted stuff from your home and make a clean open space, so your energy can flow….. my brain stopped at that moment.

I raised my hand and asked her. “What if I don’t have anything I can get rid of? I have tons of unnecessary things or things I don’t particularly love, but they were passed down from our parents and they bring so many memories…. I can not get rid of them.”

Then this cool woman instructor said, “well, then you do Ha Hu Ki!” “What? I’ve never heard of such a word!” She smiled and said, “Ha is short for Haku (sweep), Hu is short for Huku (wipe), and Ki is short for Kiyomeru (purify). This is a Japanese ancient wisdom.”

Wow…I see…really?…. I came back home with so much reflection. I tried. I swept and wiped my stuff-filled house. I have to say….I was truly surprised how different I felt. I could feel that the energy inside the house has shifted. She was right! Sweeping and wiping did purify the house! Positive energy is now flowing in the house and I was so happy.

So ever since, I try every morning, sweep and wipe, whispering the word to myself “Ha Hu Ki” over and over.

外国に住んでいると、日本語で学ぶことが懐かしくて講習の機会があるごとに、何とか都合をつけて行けるようにしようとがんばってしまう。

2ー3年前に聴いた講習、何とも悲しいことに何の講習だったのか講師は誰だったのか全く覚えてないんだけど、変に共感して大いに反省したことだけ覚えている。

それは『間(ま)』についてだった。『間』がいかに大切かということをこんな図を描いて説明してくれた。

人間という言葉は人と間と書く。時間という言葉は時と間と書く。そして空間という言葉は空と間と書く。この三つの間が重なり合ったところに『出会い』が生まれる。人間が違ってもあダメ、時が遅すぎても早すぎてもダメ、場所が少しでもずれていてもこの『出会い』は訪れない。そして『出会い』が『機会』を呼んでくれる…

ではこの『間』って何だろう。なぜ『間』が大切なんだろう。この講師によると『間』とは『何もないところ』だそうだそうだ。『間』のおかげで『気』が流れるのだそうだ。『間』が詰まってたり失くなってたり満杯だったりすると『気』が流れない。そうするとせっかくの『出会い』も『機会』も訪れなくなる。

フムフム…心にゆとりを作って『気』が流れるようにする。時にもゆとりを持って1分1秒に縛られないようにする。いらないものを捨てて『気』が流れる空間を作る…とまで聴いて、ハタッと気がついた。そこで質問。

「いらないものがなければどうするのですか？使わないものや好みでないものはたくさんあるけど、親や大事な人からいただいたり思い出が詰まっていたりしてとても捨てられなかったら…」

すると講師の先生は涼しい顔で、「それならば『ハフキ』ですよ」とおっしゃった。「ハフキ？」と私が怪訝な顔をして聞き返すと、「そう、『掃いて(ハ)拭いて(フ)清める(キ)』これは日本古来からの知恵ですよ」と返ってきた。

なるほど〜と感心して家に帰り、早速掃いて拭いてみると、本当に家の中の気が変わったような気がした。掃いて拭いたことで家の中が清められたんだと思った。ポジティブなエネルギーが流れるようになった気がして嬉しくなった。

それからはできるだけ毎朝、頭の中で「ハフキ、ハフキ」と唱えながら掃いて拭いて清めることに努めている。

I’m baking cookies, because…. today is a Mother’s Day.

It’s not like my mother especially loved cookies. I just love the smell when I’m baking cookies, that sweet, warm, and cozy smell….

It reminds me of my mom. She was a homely person. I might have been rebelling against that. Perhaps that’s why I devoted so much of myself to music and to business career. I can never say I was a homely mother. I probably baked cookies once a year, just before Christmas. I baked them because I wanted to give cookies to neighbors and colleagues as a little Christmas gift. I didn’t want to give store bought ones. I wanted to show them a different side of me. So in nutshell, it was an act of duty and appearance…..

At the zoom zazen meditation this morning, I was listening to the talk on Mother’s Day and I felt like crying. I miss my mom….. I want to see her…… I love her…….

I thought I should bake cookies for her.

She is gone for 8 years now already. It doesn’t matter now how much I miss her, think of her, care for her, love her….she is gone for good. Why didn’t I go see her more often? Why didn’t I phone her to chat more often? It comes down to the same theme again. “I was too busy.” I was too exhausted by the time I came home. I didn’t have energy to phone her and have a nice chat. However, when I felt down and sad, I had no trouble finding the time and energy to phone her. Hearing her voice comforted me…

It’s a warm weekend. My youngest daughter Rutsu is preparing for a barbecue dinner on the deck. We just had a wonderful online chat with all my three children with their spouses and children. My mom is gone, but I am blessed with my loving family and friends. Why not re-direct my love and gratitude for my mother to people around me?

I am baking cookies for my mom.

Thank you mom. I love you.

これからクッキーを焼く。母の日だから。

べつに母が特別クッキーを好きだったわけではない。だけどクッキーの焼ける匂いって甘くてあったかくてほっこりするから…

母はなんといっても家庭的な人だった。どっちかいうとそんな母に反抗して、私は音楽に没頭したりキャリアウーマンになろうとしたり、あまり家庭的な母親にはならなかったのかもしれない。クッキーなんてクリスマス前くらいにしか焼かなかったんじゃないかな。しかも周りの人に手作りのクッキーをプレゼントしなきゃという義務感と家庭的なところを見せようというお体裁と見栄!

今朝ズーム座禅で母の日のお話を聞いていると涙が出てきた。母のことが懐かしくて会いたくて愛しくて、母のためにクッキーを焼こうと思った。

母が亡くなってもはや8年。もうどんなに思っても、どんなに大事にしたくても、どんなに愛していることを伝えたくても母はいない。もっともっと電話するべきだったのに。会いに行くべきだったのに。結局理由はいつも同じ。「忙しい」「疲れてる」でも何か悲しいことがあったり気分が落ちた時は迷わず母に電話したものだ。母の声を聞くとなんだか慰められたものだな…

急に暖かくなった週末。今夕は末娘の瑠都の家族とデッキでバーベキューをする。ついさっきも家族全員でFaceTime をしたばかり。母はいないけど優しい夫や子供たち、可愛い孫たちが居てくれる。縁あって周りにいてくれる友人知人たちにも感謝して、母に注ぐべきだった愛情をまわりに注ぐことができますように。

母のために祈りを込めて焼くクッキー。美味しくできますように。

It’s weird. Ever since this Corona pandemic started, I am sleeping well.

I had insomnia. Every night I was tossing right and left, facing up and down, sitting up on the bed meditating….

Jealous of some guy next to me sleeping soundly with rhythm…. I felt like yanking his feet as hard as I could.

The last resort was to turn my little lamp on, choose a most uninteresting book, and read hoping to fall asleep….

Strangely I fall right asleep when I’m watching TV, but my eyes are wide open, my head as clear as ever, as soon as I arrive in bed. I was sometimes even afraid of the night coming…..

Amazingly, ever since Covid-19 pandemic, none of them is happening. Isn’t it a wonderful shift?!

But….why? Something must have changed inside me, right? What was it that changed?

I am supposed to be having a boring life of staying home, no stimulations, no personal growth, just everyday mundaneness.

But think, now my mind might be like a new born baby, back to totally natural, with much comfort and no tensions. Thanks to the pandemic, sleeping well might be a reflection of that.

“I don’t have time!” It was my motivational force. I always heard that phrase in my head.

Don’t waste time, get ready as quickly as I can, don’t spend time on unimportant things, but spend as much time as needed for important things. Efficiency, efficiency!!!

I am 64 and my time is limited. While I still have energy and health, I want to do all the things I want to do. I want to go to all the places I want to go.

Perhaps I was too impatient. I was too greedy. I was putting too much pressure onto myself. Insomnia might have been a result of that.

So now, Covid-19 forces me to go nowhere, see nobody, and do nothing. This has become my new reality. Crying, shouting, and complaining have no effect. I have no control over it. For the first time in my adult life, I am free from all the pressure and I have returned to my natural self.

Perhaps I should thank the pandemic for giving me this awareness.

At the zoom zen meditation session, the teacher asked us, “why do you meditate?” He said meditation would help you see yourself deeper and let you know you deeper.

A Presbyterian woman minister named Lynn whom I have never met in person, but follow her on YouTube challenged us. “Easter is about dying and being reborn. in order for new you to be born, the old you has to die.”

What is “old me”? What aspect of me has to die? I was thinking about that ever since I heard her just before Easter. It’s been more than 2 weeks now and I might have the answer just bubbling up in my heart.

Let’s not be impatient. Let’s not put pressure onto myself. The “greedy me”should perish, and “natural me” shall be born. May “new me” have a slow life graceful and mindful. It’s alright if I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do in my lifetime. It’s ok to have some places left unvisited. I already have plenty of gratitudes in my life.

So there! My realization for Easter 2020!

コロナのパンデミックが始まって以来、なぜかよく眠れているんだよね。

それまでの私は眠れなくてあっち向いたりこっち向いたり、座って瞑想してみたり…

隣で眠るニールの規則正しい寝息を恨めしく聞きながら蹴っ飛ばしたい気持ちをやっと抑えて…

果ては起き上がってランプをつけて超面白くない本を選んで読んでみたり…

テレビがついている時は簡単に居眠りしてしまうのに、さて寝室に行ってベッドに入って眠ろうとすると、しゃきっと目が冴えてしまう。夜が来るのが怖いような数年を過ごしたものだ。

それがどうしたものか、パンデミックで家に閉じこもる毎日になったとたん、ぱたっと変わってしまった。何と嬉しいシフト❣️

でもどうしてだろう。何かが私の中で変化したに違いないよね。何だろう。

刺激のない成長のない生活に退屈しきっているはずだったのに…

今このパンデミックのおかげで、生まれたままの自然な私に戻れた安心感に、私の体が反応しているのかもしれないなと思う。

時間がない。考えてみればそれが私の原動力だった。

時間をかけずにできるだけササっと用意して…とか、大事でないことには時間をかけず大事なことにはうんと時間をかけて…とか。

自分の生活を大事なことと大事でないことに分けて、効率的に、自分の人生に残された少ない期間にできるだけ多くのことを達成しようとしていたみたい。

64歳の私が元気で達者で暮らせるのはもしかしたらあと数年しかないかもしれない、と思ってその間にあれもこれもと、やりたいこと全部やって、行きたいところ全部行って…

そう思って焦って突っ走っていたのかもしれない。

ようするに欲張っていたんだね。そうして自分で自分にプレッシャーをかけていた。結果が眠れないって状況だったのかもしれない。

今パンデミックになって、泣いてもわめいてもどうあがいても、どこにも行けないし、誰にも会えないし、何もできない状況になって初めて、自分が自分から解放されたような気がする。情けないけど。

そんな気付きをくれたパンデミックに感謝しなければいけないのかなあと思う。

今朝のズーム座禅で聞いた言葉…なぜ何のために座禅をするのか、それは自分を見つめて自分を知るためだ…。

YouTubeでしか会ったことのないリンという女性の牧師さんが投げかけてくれた言葉、「過去の自分が死んで新しく生まれ変わるイースターの季節、自分が新しくなるためには自分の中の何が死ななければならないか考えよう。」半月くらいずっと考えていたけどやっとフツフツと答えが湧いてきたみたい。

焦るのはやめよう。プレッシャーをかけるのはやめよう。欲張りな自分には滅びてもらって、自然体で、今に感謝して、のんびり、丁寧に生きていこう。一生の間にやりたいことが全部できなくてもいい。行きたいところに行けなくてもいいよね。感謝すべきことは十分あるじゃない。

そんなふうに気づかせてくれた2020年のイースターだった。

A few days after we all enjoyed our family reunion, I started feeling some minor body pain. Although I didn’t pay much attention at the time thinking it’d go away soon, it started to make me sicker and sicker. I couldn’t get out of bed. You know, I never get sick. I never get high fever. Why does it happen to me just when my daughter and grandchildren whom I rarely get to see are visiting from Japan?Nevertheless, my body was out of control. Then my brain also got out of control. It felt like I lost my ability to find words. “This is not good” my two daughters swiftly and firmly decided to take me to the emergency. “Emergency? That’s so overreacting…” I remember thinking that briefly, but next thing I remember was that I was in a hospital bed.

It was a weird experience. Doctors and nurses came to my bedside one by one and asked me, “so what day is today?” “When is your birthday?” “Who is this person?” (pointing at Neil) I know the answers but I couldn’t put them to words.

They did all kinds of tests. Until they could figure out what disease I had, they had to treat me for the worst possible scenario. I was quarantined at the hospital for five days! The diagnosis in the end was that I had viral meningitis. If it was bacterial meningitis, it could have left me some brain damage or even, could have taken my life.

OMG… how did I get such a terrible thing… It really made me think.

First of all, it reminded me of Don Juan’s words in the book by Carlos Castaneda, “death is always at our left side where we can just reach by extending our arm”. It really is true, so realistic now. I was healthy with so much energy. Who would have thought, in just one day it could completely turn around to the point I could have died? Death might really be there, always, a paper thin away, and could just move over and take me.

Another thing I realized was that now our children are bosses. Despite how healthy and sharp I was for a person in her early 60s, once I got sick, my daughters of 30s totally took over the leadership. It was a bit shocking. The end result was that they were right, they saved my life, and I am very grateful for that. But, does it mean we could be losing control of our own lives? in our 60s? Are we not steering wheels of our own lives any more?

When I think of it ….. isn’t it exactly the same thing that I did to my own mother when she became weak?

We get older little by little each day. As we feel that, we begin to think hard, plan, and prepare for our old age. Our children of 30s, of course, are in their midst of running the world, and have no idea what is happening to us or how it feels to be getting older. What happens if they take over our lives…? How did my mom feel….?

So what can we do…? I don’t know…it’s really a difficult problem.

シアトルでファミリーリユニオンを楽しんだ数日後、なんとなく身体の節々が痛いような気がした。気のせいだろうと思っていたら、どんどん気分が悪くなって寝込んでしまった。私が熱を出して寝込むなんて滅多にないことだからびっくり、しかも滅多に会えない孫達が日本から来ていて色々一緒に楽しみたいのに身体が言うことを聞かない。

結局まる1日寝込んでしまったところで今度は意識がもうろうとして何か言おうとしても言葉が出て来なくなった。これはおかしいと娘達が率先して救急病院に連れて行ってくれた。救急病院だなんて大袈裟な…とちらっと思ったけど意識がもうろうとしてたから、気がついたらすでに病院のベッドだった。

こんなに不思議な体験は初めて。とにかく脳が機能しなくなったような感じだった。お医者さんや看護婦さんが入れ替わり立ち替わり「今日は何月何日？」とか「生年月日は？」とかニールを指して「この人誰？」とか聞いてくるのに答えられない。

検査が終わるまでは、最悪の場合を想定して、隔離して点滴治療をするということで５日間も入院してしまった。結局ウイルス性の髄膜炎という診断で無事退院できたのだけど、もしこれが細菌性の髄膜炎だったら後遺症が残ったり下手すると死に至る可能性もあったそうだ。

やれやれ😥 なんともタイミング悪く大騒ぎをさせてしまった。でもなんだか考えさせられた。まず、今読んでいる本 (「イクストランへの旅」カルロス カスタネダ著) の中に出てくるドン フアンの言葉、「死はいつでもわしらの左側、腕を伸ばせば届くようなところにいるんだ」がものすごく現実味を伴って感じられたこと。だって全くもって完璧に健康体だった体が、わずか1日後には「死ぬかもしれない」とまで消耗してしまうのだから。死ってほんの紙一枚離れたところでつねに待ってて、ある時クルッと思いもかけない速さで訪れるのかもしれない。

次に、私自身は60代前半でまだまだ若く頭もしっかりしているつもりだったのに、今回すっかり30代の娘達に主導権を取られてしまったことも何とも複雑な思いだ。結果的にはおかげさまで命が助かって感謝しているんだけど… 。もう子供達の時代になってしまって、これからどんどんこんな風に自分の人生を自分で舵取りできなくなっていくんだろうか。

思えば私も同じことを我が母親にしたんだけど…

人間っていきなり年をとるんじゃなくて少しずつ老いが進んでくるのだから、その間にこれからの人生のことを色々考えて準備して計画するわけでしょ。その過程もなければ気持ちも想像できない30代の人生最盛期の子供達にいきなりリーダーシップをとられてしまってはこれは困るなって感じがするんだよね。

亡き母もそんな風に思ったかな。

じゃあどうすればいいの？と言われても困るんだけど。ともかく複雑〜〜〜