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To My Children 子供達へ

Even when a person appears to have a life of perfectly smooth sailing, I bet s/he is facing all kinds of problems and struggles, just not visible from outside…

You are all grown up, have your own lives and responsibilities, and of course, issues.  I want to help you if I can, but often I can’t.  It seems that I can only watch and just have faith in you.

However, I wanted to tell you that I, too, had similar issues in my life.  Somehow I overcame them and moved forward, but life was certainly not easy. I often felt overwhelmed, had lots of tears, fears and worries.  Often I was not proud of myself.  I made lots of mistakes.

My serious issues included relationship, work, financial matters, etc….

Let’s just take one example….relationship….

I, too, wanted desperately to find the right person that I could love and be loved, share my life and build a happy family.

I once thought I found that person, only to find a few months later that he was cheating on me.  It was such a terrible shock for me.  I cried my eyes out for many days.

A sincere honest man, economically sound, who would become a perfect husband and an excellent father, wanted to marry me.  I felt honoured and almost married him.  He lived in California and I couldn’t bring myself to drop everything and move there.  I didn’t have the courage.  I didn’t love him enough to do that.  I know I hurt him terribly, and I am so sorry about that.

I ended up marrying your father who was very eager to marry me. I wasn’t really sure if I loved him, but I married him anyway, and ended up regretting it very quickly.

There were, of course, good happy days in the marriage.  I was blessed with three lovely children and such caring wonderful parents-in-law and cool sister-in-law.  However, your father and I were just not compatible.  We could not understand each other.  We fought a lot, had too much verbal violence.  I had many sleepless nights feeling sad, lonely, and so angry.  At times, my stomach gave me sharp pain as if being pierced or squeezed.  I thought I would become sick.

One day, when I was about 32, I met an American couple. Those days I was teaching Japanese language to foreign expatriates in Tokyo, and he was one of my clients.  He was the president of a prominent US firm in Tokyo. Since he asked me to teach his wife as well, I went to his home and knocked on the door. A dark haired, tanned skin, middle-aged, obviously Mexican woman opened the door.  I thought, for a moment, that she might be a house keeper, but actually, she was his wife.  There were five children in the house, all Mexican children.  She told me that the children were all from her previous marriage.  She was working as a waitress at a diner in a small town in the United States.  He used to come to eat there, and they fell in love.  When he got the job in Tokyo, he asked her to marry him. That meant moving to Tokyo with all her five children and starting a new life.  The children were all nice, cheerful, and well mannered kids. They all went to a private international school in Tokyo.

From then on, I spent a couple of hours every week with the woman and her five children.  Every time I was there, I felt my heart shaking.  For me in those days, it was unbelievable that a man would even consider marrying a woman of different culture and raise so many children none of them his own. I couldn’t believe such a man existed.  I was totally thrown into a different world.  They certainly had open, out-of-the-box ideas and attitudes towards life, and they were truly inspiring. “Why can’t I change my life?” I desperately wanted to become happier. I wanted a loving relationship.  I wanted a happy family for myself and my three little children.  “Why can’t I change my life?”

So, thinking back, that was the first message I got via this couple from God, or universe or however you want to call.  It was a seed planted in me, and little by little it grew.

Divorce is difficult and hurtful.  It’s injurious to everybody involved, children, parents, extended families, friends…. However, it is true that you could learn a lot from the experience and grow as a person. You would certainly become stronger, more sensitive and empathetic.

There is always an end to everything, when a baby is born, s/he is destined to die some day, when there is an encounter, no matter what, one day there will be a farewell…..My first marriage ended, but because of that, there was a new beginning and I was able to become happy.  I guess the lesson for me was that “you are the only person who can make yourself happy”.  If you want to change your life, you have to find your own way.  You have to listen to your inner voice. You have to know that sometimes somebody might bring an important message to you.  It could be a life-changing message, like the one I received from the American couple.  Open your eyes, ears, and heart, so you can hear it…..











言葉による暴力、侮辱、無視 。。。悔しくて、寂しくて、悲しくて、キリキリと腹が立って、辛くて眠れない夜が本当にたくさんあった。病気になりそうだった。