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Mother and Daughter 母と娘

One of the magazines my friend gave me the other day had articles on relationships between mother and daughter.  According to the article, there are four types of mothers that are damaging to the relationship with their daughters.  They are “controlling tyrant mothers”, “nagging jealous mothers”, “bulldozing mothers” and “crying poor me mothers”.  Thank God my mother was not one of them.  However….. how was I as a mother for my daughters? I don’t think I was that controlling, or nagging, or bulldozing, or self pitying…..but really? I might have been like that in some instances.  Just recently, I had conversation with one of my daughters and was surprised.  She remembered things that I don’t remember at all….things like what I said or what I did…  She remembered things or incidents in totally different ways. Things I said many years ago to her when she was a child had been interpreted wrongly, differently from my intentions.  So, I thought…. my children might have never understood what I meant, and I had never known that all these years…..sigh… Raising children is super difficult.  No mother is perfect.  Mothers often have no experience in whatever issues they are facing. Often, I had no clue what to do or what to say.  I had to follow my intuitions, think hard, do or say my best, and hope for the best.  Not surprising if I did say something wrong or hurtful.

A little before my mom suddenly died about three years ago, my dad, sister, and I went to a restaurant to have dinner.  My sister started talking about her “pre-school” memories and told them how awful her pre-school experience was and how sad she felt when our mom was hard on her. “OMG, why now?” I thought, “what difference does it make to bring up those things after so many years?”  My mother looked sad and said to her, “I am sorry.”   When my sister left for washroom, my mom said with a big sigh, “she doesn’t understand how much I had been worrying about her those days.  I really struggled and was worried……”  It must have been so difficult, both mom and my sister.  I really felt sorry.  A child can interpret a situation in some childish manner, misunderstand the mother’s intentions, feel some terrible injustice has been imposed on her/him, drag the injuries all his/her life, and live his/her entire life thinking s/he is a victim. It could happen…..easily…