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From Generation to Generation 今世代から次世代へ

Women in my family – from left – me, my daughter, mom, my sister, my niece

My mother suddenly died in 2012. It was the year after the horrific earthquake and tsunami followed by the unbelievable nuclear meltdown in Fukushima. How time flies relentlessly… Her death was totally unexpected. She was only 82 and relatively well. One day, she had heart failure while taking her bath, and drowned.

She was a creative person, elegant and fashionable. A huge collection of her clothes was left behind. It was a weird feeling stepping into the familiar house with all her clothes, and her scent vividly present, but mom herself was gone…nowhere. Yet I feel like I can still hear her voice, her sigh, and laughter…My father passed away late last year, so my sister and I had to do something about their stuff.

One of the big problems was my mother’s hand dyed silk clothes. She dyed them herself, all from scratch and made into beautiful dresses, but all specifically fit to herself. Unfortunately, neither my sister nor myself could wear her dresses. Over many years I watched mom working hard day and night hand-dyeing the silk. She would make patterns, etch and cut, color onto silk, wash, dry…etc., such a complicated process… Who could throw them away, or donate them to strangers who might or might not appreciate the love and sweat that went into the silk. But then, what should I do with them? After thinking hard, I came up with an idea. What if I undo all the dresses and turn them into patch-work quilt and make bed spreads for my sister and myself?

However, there was a serious problem. I had no idea how to quilt; absolutely zero experience and zero knowledge about quilting. It was an incredible challenge for me and I didn’t even know where to start.

Right then, Jeanette came into my life, like an angel God had sent for me, and offered to teach me how to do this step by step. Thus…. the challenge of making my first ever quilt began. I opened my sewing machine which was tightly put away in its cover case. It had traveled with me through many moves, once across the Pacific Ocean, and had never been opened for many years. OMG… it was in disappointing shape. Some critical parts were missing, and it was in no way usable. So that was the end of my sewing machine that had traveled all the way from Japan 35 years ago. Jeanette mercifully lent me her machine.

My heart ached undoing my mother’s perfectly beautiful dresses. Yeah…mom had such sloping shoulders that were great in a kimono, but a couple of shoulder pads were necessary for dresses. She would hand-dye silk fabrics and dry them hanging wall to wall, like flags hanging in the house. I couldn’t help stopping my hand every time such memories occupied my head. What a slow process it was.

Even so, thanks to Jeanette, there are two beautiful bed spreads, after two years, all finished. My mother’s “bingata-zome ” dyes were reborn, reincarnated into something I could be proud of. I can tell my children, nieces and nephews, that these bed spreads were dyed by your grandmother, and quilted by Obaba (me). They can pass them on to their children for generations to come. Isn’t it wonderful?

I was so happy.

Thank you so much, Jeannette. I have no words to express my gratitude to you!

So…., I’m thinking….What should I quilt next….Is it going to be my new hobby?

My mom and my granddaughter Sumi
Quilt Bed spread

母が突然亡くなったのは福島の大震災の翌年、もう13年も前の話だ。年月が経つのは容赦なく早い。母の死はひどいショックだった。母は82歳で元気だったのに入浴中に心不全を起こしてあっけなく溺死してしまったのだ。

おしゃれが大好きでクリエイティブだった母が残した膨大な洋服のコレクション、何年も手付かずに実家に残してあったのだが、父が去年の暮に亡くなったこともあって、ようやく重い腰を上げて実家の整理を始めた。なんとも不思議な感覚だった。母が大好きだった洋服に囲まれて母の声が、息づかいが、笑い声が聞こえてきそうなのに、母はいない。

1番困ったのは母の手染めのシルクの洋服。母の体型に合わせてカスタムメイドされているので私や妹が着ても体型的に合わない。母が一生懸命手染めしている姿を何年も見てきているので処分するなどとんでもない。考えあぐねた挙げ句、洋服をほどいてパッチワークのベッドカバーにしたらどうか。挑戦してみようかと思ったけど、そんなこと全く経験のない私、どこから手をつけていいのやらわからない。

そこにまるで、『神の御使である天使』のように現れたジャネットが、手取り足取り教えてくれると言ってくれて、生まれて初めてのキルト作りに挑戦することになった。何度もの引っ越しを経て40年近くもしまいっぱなしだったミシンの蓋を開けてみると、まあまあなんと足りないものだらけ。結局日本から持ってきたミシンは使いものにならず、ジャネットのものを借りることになった。

母の洋服をほどくのは心が痛んだ。そうだよなあ…

母は撫で肩で着物が似合う体型だったなあ、とか何にでも肩パッドを入れてシャキッと形作ってたよなあ、とか染め上がった反物を旗のように家中に干しまくってたなあ、とかいろんな情景が走馬灯のように現れて、その度に思い出に浸って手が進まない。

それでも、それこそ何から何までおんぶに抱っこでジャネットのお世話になりながら2年がかりで我が家用のクイーンサイズのベッドカバーと妹の家用のソファカバーを作り上げた。これならば母の紅型染の作品も生きる。「これはあんたたちのお婆さんが手染めして、それをオババが縫ってキルトに仕立てたベッドカバーなんだよ」と何代にも渡って子供たち、甥や姪たち、孫たち、ヒー孫たちに語り継いで、残していくことが出来る。すばらしいじゃない？

すごく嬉しかった。

ありがとう、ジャネット。心から感謝している。なんとお礼を言ったらいいのかわからない。

次は何を作ろう、なんて考えたりして…

私の新しい趣味になりそうな予感。


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Kathaumixw 合唱祭

Every two years, Powell River, the small town I live, hosts an international choral festival called Kathaumixw. It is, I was told, the only international choral festival in Canada. Kathaumixw means ‘gathering of different people’ in the local indigenous language.

It’s been around for 40 some years, and apparently this year was the 20th festival. Canada’s Independence Day, July 1, was the opening day and it literally filled the small town with choral music for 5 full days. The participating choirs came from not only Canada and USA, but also Costa Rica, Slovenia, New Zealand, Philippines, and Taiwan. My choir was the festival host choir. What a super-hectic, super-stimulating, super-exciting, and super-exhausting 5 days!

When the festival was over, I found myself in a somewhat stunned or ‘out of it’ state. My heart was crying out…”no, I don’t want it to end!” “Let me linger in the exhilaration!”, then slowly turned to ”I am so sad”, “l’m missing the excitement already”….

Especially the final concert was so inspiring to my heart. For four days since the festival opened, almost 1000 singers, learned the three beautiful choral pieces together, and rehearsed together, under the direction of Dr. Zimfira Poloz. Dr. Zimfira is the director of the Toronto Children’s Choir and a well-known well-respected educator in Toronto. I got to learn so much from her.

Dr. Zimfira told us a bit of her life story. She was an immigrant (refugee?) from Kazakhstan. When the USSR had collapsed, she and her husband emigrated to Canada. They were concerned about their future in Kazakhstan and Canada was one of only two countries in the world willing to welcome them. Their life in Canada was not easy, but every time they were given opportunities or challenges they felt so grateful. She said she would never take anything for granted.

Wow, she went through a similar path as an immigrant as myself, I thought. Of course, I immigrated from Japan which is a peaceful and stable country, and I didn’t have to be concerned with my security or my future. However, to a woman from Japan with hard-to-pronounce name, and not especially talented in anything, Canada gave me opportunities to build a decent life. I met many good hearted people. Abundant nature, peaceful country, clean air, warm kind friends…I feel so grateful.

So now, the festival is over. The town is back to normal getting ready for the tourist season. I run into my choir mates in town, we say to each other, “I can’t get those 3 pieces out of my head…..They are still ringing in my head.” Aren’t we lucky?

Music is the only language that has power to speak directly to our heart. Music can unite people instantly. I want to say my heart-felt “thank you” to my late parents who initiated music education for me 60+ years ago. And “thank you” to our beloved town of Powell River that included me in its music community.

Opening concert
First rehearsal of 3 common songs 参加者全員での最初のリハーサル
Concert コンサート
After the concert with my granddaughter Sumi and her friend コンサートの後で

2年に一度のインターナショナル合唱祭が7月の第1週目、カナダの独立記念日(7月1日)から5日間にわたって、私の住む小さな町、パウエルリバーで繰り広げられた。Kathaumixw というこのフェスティバルはカナダで唯一の国際的な合唱祭だという。Kathaumixwとはこの地域の原住民の言葉で『いろんな人々の集まり』という意味だそうだ。

今回第20回目、カナダ、アメリカを始め、コスタリカ、スロヴィニア、ニュージーランド、フィリピン、台湾など世界中から合唱団が参加して5日間に渡ってのコンサートづくしだった。なんとも忙しく、刺激満タン、疲労困憊の5日間、でも終わってみると、高揚の余韻と共になんともいえない寂しさに心が揺さぶられ続けたことも否定できない。

特に1000人近い参加者で合唱した最後のコンサート、4日間にわたって皆でリハーサルした3曲がなんとも美しくて感動的だった。指導してくださった Dr. Zimfira Polozというトロントの合唱団の指揮者であり教育者である先生との出会いは一生忘れられない。

先生はカザフスタンからの移民(難民？)だそうだ。ソ連が解体してカザフスタンが独立した際、先生ご夫妻は将来を案じて移民申請をしたそうだ。そのときに受け入れ表明をしてくれた世界中でたった2国のうちの一国がカナダだったという。カナダでの生活は薔薇色ではなかったけど、いろんなチャンスが巡ってきて、ひとつひとつ挑戦するたびに、機会を与えてくれたカナダに感謝し続けているそうだ。

そんな話を聞いて私は痛く感動した。私と似た境遇なんだと思った。私は平和な日本から来て、将来を案じて移民したわけではないけど、発音しにくい名前の、何と言って特別な取り柄のない私にカナダはいろいろチャンスを与えてくれた。素敵な出会いがいくつもあった。美しい大自然、温かい親切な人々、私も深く感謝しているんだよ。

フェスティバルの5日間が終わって静かな町が戻ってきた。夏の観光シーズンも間近。町角でコーラス仲間に出会うと、「あの3曲が頭から離れないよ」と言う話になる。こんなすばらしい体験をさせてもらって私は幸せ者だと心から思う。

音楽は世界共通、人々の心に直接深く働きかけてくれる。今さらながら、60＋年前、幼い私に音楽を学ぶ機会を与えてくれた亡き父と母に心から感謝。そして仲間に入れてくれたパウエルリバーに感謝。


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My Father

My father lived more than 13 years after my mother passed. He lived to be almost 97 years old. People say, he had a long happy life. Yes, for sure, he did have a long life. However, his last 13 years must have been terrible. I cannot believe he had ever felt anywhere near “happy”. Perhaps some natural defense mechanism had kicked in, possibly in order to blur his loneliness, his memory had started to deteriorate little by little. It eventually took away his ability to recognize us, his family faces. He could not remember us despite our strong kinship. He had dementia.

Dementia is a terrifying disease. I read an article about it describing what it would be like. Imagine sitting in an airplane all by yourself, not knowing why, definitely not because you want to go somewhere. The plane takes off and lands somewhere and you have to get off. You see people everywhere, surrounding you and talking. But you don’t know anybody. You don’t understand a word they are saying. You feel helpless, you don’t know what to do. Some people look aggressive, and you feel they may harm you, but there is no way of defending yourself. You are totally alone.

My father must have felt like this for the last several years, fearful and devastated. How terrifying it must have been.

I am sad I was helpless, powerless and worthless for him. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even be physically with him, just sit with him, help him feel at peace. Of course I was living far away, but still…..

My father was the person who was always quick to help me when I got in trouble, in tears, or feeling lost and overwhelmed. He was also quick to celebrate my joyous moments, flying to wherever I was.

It hurts to recognize that I was utterly useless when my father needed me the most, and there is no other chance left for me to make it up.

母が亡くなっておよそ13年たって父が亡くなった。もうすぐ97歳だった。長生きしたね、幸せな人生だったね、と人は言うかもしれない。でも母が亡くなってからの13年間は決して良い人生だったとはいえないと思う。一人ぼっちになった寂しさを忘れるためかのように少しずつ少しずつ記憶が薄れていって最期の数年間は娘たちのことも忘れてしまったように見えた。いわゆる認知症だったのだと思う。

認知症というのは恐ろしい病気だという。どこかで読んだことがある記事によると、まるで自分の意志とは無関係に飛行機に乗せられ、たった一人、どこだかわからない知らない国に連れて行かれるようなものだという。言葉もわからない、知っている人もいない、みたこともないところで降ろされ、放り出されるようなものだという。怖い顔をされても酷いことをされても自分を守る術もない。そんな状態で最期の数年を生きた父、どんなにか恐ろしい思いをしたことだろう。どんなに寂しかったことだろう。

遠い国に住んで近くにいなかったとはいえ、何の役にも立てなかった、いっしょに座っててあげることもできなかった。慰めの言葉さえかけてあげられなかった自分の非力さを思う。

私が困ったとき、悲しかったとき、圧倒されてどうしようもなかったとき、不安に打ちひしがれていたとき、いつもさっと救いの手を差し伸べてくれた父。その父が一番救いを必要としていたときに私は何もしてあげられなかった…何ともやるせない。


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Racism, or Just Ignorance? 人種差別それとも単に知らないだけ?

Sunrise at Texada Island

I live in Canada, a nation known to be one of the most culturally diverse. However, the major stream of its racial profile is white Caucasian. No doubt about that. So it is a country of European descent people wherein other races, yellow, red, brown, and black people are mixed in. In the countryside, like Powell River where I live, there are way less Asians. Unlike some areas like Vancouver or Richmond, Asians in Powell River are definitely a minority.

Several months ago, I had a lovely lunch with my new friend. She is a Caucasian in her late 60s or early 70s, an intelligent woman with a warm compassionate aura. She seems to emanate loving and caring light, and I truly admire her. So at this lunch, although I can’t remember what we were talking about, in the middle of our conversations she opened her eyes wide and said, “oh, that means….how old are you?” So I said, “67” I have no reason to hide my age. She looked genuinely surprised. “What? So you are of the same generation as I am. I had thought you were in your 40s.” It was my turn to open my eyes wide. “What? Wow… I’m so happy. You made my day!” So as you can imagine, I had a wonderful rest of the day, smiling and humming.

The next day, when I went to my usual fitness class, there was a non-regular person, an older Caucasian woman participating in the class. As soon as she saw me, she said, “are you Emily’s mother?” I was stunned. Emily is a slender Chinese-Canadian woman around my age. “What? No way!” Although pretending like it was no big deal, I was offended like crazy….with my chest burning with anger and shock.

What a change in just one day!!

Recently, I read an article about how hate and racism toward Asians are increasing. It had been boiled up by the Covid turmoil and has been persistently continuing.

After the class I said to Emily “somebody asked me if I am your mother.” Emily laughed and said, “she has probably had no Asian friends in her life. There are a lot of people like that. They merely don’t know or not interested in knowing Asian people.”

I thought Emily’s reaction was pretty cool. Yes, she is right. This is not even racism…it’s only a phenomenon coming from ignorance. It made sense to me.

I’ve read somewhere that the discrimination toward Japanese Canadians around the time of WW2 was ignited by the fear coming from ignorance of the general public about Japanese Canadian people. Ignorance is dangerous and could end up in sad situations.

So if you make friends with people from many different cultures, would the world be more peaceful?

I don’t know. It doesn’t seem that simple, does it?

My 95 year old father surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Only missing is me!

私の住むカナダは多民族国家の最たる国。でもやはり主流はヨーロッパ系の白人。そこに色々な民族が混在しているという感じ。特にパウエルリバーのような田舎に来ると、私のようなアジア人はぐっと少なくなって、マイノリティそのものという感じになる。

数ヶ月前だったかこんなことがあったよ。新しく出来た友達といっしょにランチした時のこと。その友達は知的で優しいオーラに包まれた白人の女性、60代後半か70代前半くらい。何を話していた時か覚えてないけど、話の途中で彼女が「え？」と大きく目を見開いた。「ということは…え？…あなた何歳？」と聞いて来た。もちろん何も隠すことないから正直に「67歳よ」と答えたら「え？じゃあ私と同年代じゃないの。私はまたあなたは40代かなと思っていたわよ。」と言われて今度は私の方が「ええ？」と目を見開くことになった。「そんな…嬉しい！わあYou made my day!」と言って笑った。そしてご想像の通りご機嫌よろしく鼻歌まじりにその日1日を過ごした。

あくる日、朝のフィットネスのクラスに行ったら、いつもは見ない白人のおばさんが参加していた。私の顔を見るなり、「あなた、エミリーのお母さん？」と言ってきて私は愕然とした。エミリーは中国系のどう見ても私と同年代の華奢な女性だからだ。「とんでもない。違うよ」と言ってかわしたけど内心はショック…憮然憮然…胸が燃えてやけど状態。

昨日と今日で何という対照的な出来事！

最近、アジア人に対する人種偏見が北米で増加しているという記事を読んだ。コロナ禍で沸騰した偏見が、まだ根強く続いているという。

クラスが終わって、エミリーに「私のこと、あなたのお母さん？」て聞かれたよ」というと、エミリーは笑って、「アジア人と交わったことがない人なんじゃない？そういう人たちがけっこういるのよ。アジア人のことなんて知らないし見る目もないのよ」とクールに言う。

うん、そうだ。これは偏見以前の現象だね。なんとなく納得した。

日系カナダ人への差別も日本人がどういう民族なのか知らないことからくる恐怖が原因だったというから、知らないってことは悲しいことだと改めて思った。

いろんな人種の人たちと親しく交わるようになれればもっと平和な世の中になるのかな？

ウ～ン…そんな単純なことでもないような気がするけど…ね。


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Friendship 友情

My precious friend, Marlena, has departed from this world as of a few days ago. My previous posting was about her, when I visited her the last time. She has had a long miserable bed-bound time. Once a beautiful healthy woman, she had been reduced to skin and bones….so sad to see her becoming more and more like a withered tree. “Nothing is binding you any more, Marlena. You are now completely free”, I tell her in my heart. I can visualize Marlena with her beautiful smile, looking happy, now hand-in-hand with her beloved husband Michael. Although I am sad, missing her terribly, I feel Marlena herself might be feeling relieved and liberated.

I came to Canada at age 34, and she was one of the first persons I met. Marlena and Michael opened up their home, taught and helped us new immigrants, with English, and Canadian culture, custom, history, law, politics….everything we needed to know to live in this country. There were people from Hong Kong, Mexico, Iran, Spain and Japan in our group. We met every week, talking this and that, and becoming friends in no time. Of course, in the centre of the circle, there was always Marlena giving us wise constructive advice, laughing and weeping with us. I remember the round wooden table where we sat around in her West Vancouver home. Some people found jobs, some moved away, became sick, died….everybody moved on in the end.

I am who I am, what I am, and where I am, because of Marlena. I cannot thank her enough.

Marlena and I got together at every opportunity we could find. I remember we talked a lot about my children, immigration issues, my failing marriage and subsequent divorce. I was in my 30s and it was, perhaps, the most difficult time of my life. At the end of my 30s, I started studying at Simon Fraser University EMBA, a graduate business school held at night for working people. Marlena always supported me by taking the time to read and edit my papers before I handed them in.

Before I got married to Neil, there was a time Marlena got seriously sick. One night, Michael found her lying in bed not breathing. Her heart seemed not pumping. He rushed her to the hospital and miraculously she was resuscitated. While she was wandering in the near death state, she was dreaming. She said to me, “I was sitting, and was pushed slowly into a corridor, and suddenly, you appeared in front of me.” “You opened your arms wide and shouted, ‘you have to go back, Marlena, you still have important things to do!’”

When Marlena woke up in the hospital, she immediately told Michael about this dream, then, she phoned me. They were worried some terrible thing could have happened to me. I was so surprised to hear this strange, mysterious story from her. How could I appear in her dream when I didn’t even know she was so sick. I was shocked to realize how foolish and insensitive I was, totally occupied in my own problems, not even noticing what my precious friend was going through.

After Neil and I were married, when I was 45 years old, surprisingly, I became pregnant with a baby girl. We were so happy, looking forward to her arrival. Then, I was suddenly hit by pre-eclampsia and lost the baby at her 25th week. What a shock….we were devastated. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I didn’t want to see anybody…. But, somehow, Marlena and Michael found out what happened, and knocked on our door. Marlena told me her sad experience of losing her baby girl before she had their three boys. How much comfort and healing their presence brought to us. I was so grateful for their tender love and care.

When Michael passed away, Marlena asked me to play organ at his funeral. I was still an inexperienced beginner organ student at the time, but I thought this would be a gift for Michael and I should do my very best to send him off with my organ playing. It turned out that this opportunity actually was a gift from Michael. The experience helped me to decide redirecting my career from business to music.

Marlena and I got together at least once a month. We enjoyed lunch at her favorite restaurants. I visited her at her home when she was not feeling well. I looked forward to our monthly get-together.

After Neil and I moved to Powell River two years ago, Marlena had a stroke and had to move to a care home. The world was in turmoil because of the raging Covid. Visiting people in care homes became almost impossible for a while. I was able to see her only three times in her final year.

Marlena, thank you so much for being my precious friend for 33 long years. I believe that friends meet for a reason. We cultivate our friendship, get to know deeply about each other and care for each other. Marlena taught me how precious friends are. She taught me that we must appreciate and treasure our friends; we must support them the best we can; and let them know how much you love them. What a profound lesson. I am so very grateful.

I was so fortunate to have you in my life. Thank you, Marlena….from bottom of my heart.

前回にも書いた私の大切な友人、マレナが亡くなった。長い長いつらい闘病生活の末、本当に骨と皮、枯れ木のような姿で最期を迎えた。『とうとう解放されたね。やっと自由になるね。』最愛のマイケルと手を取り合って幸せそうに微笑んでいるマレナの姿が目に浮かぶ。残された私は寂しいけど、悲しいけど、マレナ自身はほっとしているかもしれないと思う。

私が34才でカナダに来て、最初に出会ったのがマレナだった。いろんな国から移民が集まるカナダで、自宅を開放して、英会話や文化、慣習、歴史、法律、政治など、カナダで生活するのに必要なことを教えてくれて、手助けをしてくれたのがマレナとマイケルだった。移民のグループには、香港、メキシコ、イラン、スペイン、日本から来た人たちとか…本当にいろんな国の人々がいた。毎週顔を合わせて、様々な話をして、たちまち仲良くなって、その中心にいて話を聞いてくれて適切なアドバイスをくれて、いっしょに笑って泣いてくれたのがマレナだった。ウエストバンクーバーの家でみんなで囲んだ丸いテーブルを思い出すな。みんなそれぞれ就職したり引越したり病気になったり亡くなったり…バラバラになってしまったけど、あの日々があったからこそ今の私がある…感謝してもしきれない。

マレナと私はその後も機会を見つけては会っていろんな話をした。子育てのこと、永住権取得のこと、離婚のこと、私の人生の中でもむずかしい問題が山積みになっていた苦しい時期だった。特に私がサイモンフレーザー大学の大学院(働く人のための夜間プログラム)に入学してからは、論文だとかリサーチペーパーだとか、必ずマレナに見てもらって文法の間違いとか訂正してから提出していたな。

私がまだニールと再婚する前だったか、マレナが呼吸困難になって救急車で病院に運ばれ、心臓が止まって臨死状態になり、そのあと奇跡的に生還したことがあった。彼女が死の淵を彷徨っていたとき、突然、この私が、彼女の夢の中で腕を大きくひらいて、『戻ってマレナ！まだ大切な役目があるでしょ！』と叫んだという。目を覚ました彼女はマイケルに夢の話をして、その後すぐに私に電話してくれた。私に何かあったんじゃないかと心配してくれたのだ。その不思議な話を聞いて私は心底驚いた。ショックだった。私は自分の困難に気を取られて、マレナの病気の大変さも何も知らずにいたのだ。

ニールと再婚した後、私は突然、妊娠高血圧腎症にかかって24週目の女の子を出産して亡くしてしまった。悲しみに沈んで誰とも話したくない…誰にも会いたくない…家にこもっている時、マレナとマイケルがどこから聞いたのか、訪ねてきてくれた。マレナも3人の男の子を産む前に同じように女の子を亡くしたそうだ。2人の訪問にニールも私もどれだけ癒やされたことか…。

マイケルが亡くなった時には、傷心のマレナに頼まれて、まだ習い始めたばかりでつたない私のオルガンでマイケルを送った。それがきっかけとなって私は本格的に教会のオルガニストになる決心が出来たように思う。

必ず月に一度は会ってランチに行ったり、彼女の体調が悪くて外出できない時はお見舞いに行ったり…マレナとのデートは月1のハイライトだった。

でも残念ながら私たちがパウエルリバーに引っ越して、マレナがケアホームに移って、コロナの規制が厳しくなって、自由に会えなくなった。最後は年に2～3度くらいしか会えなかったな。

マレナ、33年間も大事な友達でいてくれて本当にありがとう。縁があって知り合った友達との絆を大切にして、誠心誠意接し続けることの素晴らしさをマレナは身を持って私に教えてくれた。感謝してもしきれないよ、マレナ。本当に本当にありがとう。


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I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

How many times did we say it this morning? M whispered ”I love you”. And I responded ”I love you”. Over and over…

Covid regulation is finally over; warm season has arrived; our hectic life in Powell River has calmed down for the moment. We are here in Lions Bay. It’s peaceful. We are taking care of our daughter’s pets while the family is visiting Japan. We went to visit M this morning at her nursing home in West Vancouver. We had not seen her for several months.

I stepped into her room, and was startled. It is certainly M who is lying down in bed. But, OMG she is half the size from before…. She has lost so much weight. “Oh” M saw me and called out and stretched her arms. I ran up to her and embraced her ‘skin and bones’ body.

The care taker person says M does not want to eat and does not drink anything. She is super dehydrated. Oh no, I thought….she must be trying to die by starving herself. She has been invalid and bed bound for many years now. It’s not unimaginable if she wished to die. However, of course, it’s not that easy to die…sadly. She has been lying in bed for years now, her hearing is almost completely gone; because of the stroke her ability to speak, read, and write is seriously compromised. She used to love watching politics on TV, but can’t any more. It’s not unreasonable if she wondered why she is still breathing.

I want M to live, have little happiness here and there….but at the same time, I don’t want her to suffer. I want her to be in peace. What a contradiction. You have suffered so much, M…you can join your beloved husband in heaven….you don’t have to suffer any more…. But, how can I say that?

Agonizing for words….I’m just repeating “I love you”, “I love you”, “I love you”

I came out her room saying…”I’ll come again, soon”, dragging my heavy heart.

I love you, M. I don’t know what else to say….but….seriously, I love you…. I love you so much.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

この言葉を何度繰り返したことか。マレナがI love youとつぶやくと私もI love youと返す。何度も何度も…。

コロナ規制がやっと終了して、寒い季節が終わって、忙しい私たちの生活が一段落して、パウエルリバーからライオンズベイの娘の家に来て、のんびりペット子守りをしている私たち。久しぶりにマレナのいるウエストヴァンクーバーの老人ホームを訪れた。

部屋に一歩踏み入れてギョッとした。ベッドに横たわっているのは、確かに私の愛するマレナ、でも痩せて半分になってる…。マレナが「おーっ」と叫んで手を延ばす。わたしも走り寄ってガリガリの骨と皮になったマレナの体を抱き寄せる。

ケアをしてくださってる看護士さんが、マレナは何も食べないし、何も飲まない、だから極度の脱水状態なの、と言う。ふとマレナは餓死自殺しようとしてるんじゃないかと思った。もう動けなくなって何年もたつから死にたいって思うのも無理ないなと思う。でもいくらそう思っても人間ってそう簡単に死ねないんだよね。何年も何年もベッドに横たわってるだけでろくに話もできないし、読み書きもできない、テレビも観れないし、耳も聴こえない。それじゃあ何のために息をしてるんだろうって思っても無理ないよね。

マレナにはいつまでも生きててほしいと願いつつ、でも苦しまないで平安でいてほしいとも願う。矛盾してるよね。ご苦労さま…もういいからマイケルの居る天国に行っていいんだよ…もうこれ以上苦しまなくていいんだよ、とも思うけど、そんなこと言えない。

悶々としながら、また来るよ、と言い残して重い心で部屋をあとにした私。

I love you, マレナ. I love you, I love you. I love you so much.


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For Sosuke 奏佑へのメッセージ

Sosuke, Luke, and Renada

I remember the first day of school when Sosuke arrived from Japan to take Grade 2 in Canada.

He was so nervous. He barely endured the few hours of school. And he refused to go to school the next day. I generally don’t believe in “not going”, but Tomoka, his mom, let him stay home. He sat around doing nothing the whole morning. Tomoka phoned the school and talked to the teacher. The teachers and the class pupils discussed together what they could do to cheer up Sosuke and make him feel happier.

“Sosuke has just arrived from Japan. He can’t speak English. Just imagine, if you had to go to school in Japan and you don’t understand a word of Japanese, how would you feel?”

“What can each one of you do to make Sosuke feel happy and comfortable and included as one of your friends?”

That same afternoon, some children in the neighborhood came to the house. “Sosuke, let’s play!”

Sosuke’s face lightened up. He went over to the neighbor’s house and had a great time.

Apparently, it worked! It was just what he needed!

After that day, he never said he didn’t want to go to school. He played with neighbor kids after school. Sosuke was glowing.

His age, 7 years old, and his personality, gentle and authentic, contributed to making friends easily and fast. He learned to communicate without much language and still had fun.

He’s got countless stimulations from them. Scootering, bicycling, creating a basecamp, tree climbing, camping, swimming, releasing salmon babies in a creek, basketball…..I was so happy watching him challenging new things, growing more confident, and enjoying being a child.

He learned English so naturally, having fun with friends and his little cousin, Raiden. I have immense gratitude for everybody around him, including his friends, their parents, neighbours, and the wonderful teachers at the Lions Bay Elementary School. What a wonderful community.

So, what’s going to happen now? What would this one year mean to him in his life? Would he remember all these people who loved him? Would he remember English? Would he come back to Canada? I don’t know….but I know that, life is a series of meetings and farewells.

I think of Michael and Luke, his closest friends, who were crying, “why is Sosuke going back to Japan?”

Thank you for being such good friends.

Rutsu, Dustin, and Raiden, thank you for being so nice and supportive of Sosuke.

奏佑、ライオンズベイ小学校初めての日を思い出すよ。

1日目は緊張のひとこと。2日目は、学校に行きたくないと言って休む。休むのは私は反対だったんだけど、ママの知香がOKして、1日家でグダグダしてた。ママが学校に電話して奏佑のリアクションを話して、先生方が子供達と話し合いの時を持ってくれたらしい。

「奏佑は日本からきたばかりで英語ができないんだよ。みんなも日本語ができないのに日本の学校に入ったらどうする？困っちゃうよね。みんな何をしてあげれば奏佑が楽しく学校に来られるかひとりひとりが考えてみよう。みんな奏佑に優しくして仲間に入れてあげよう。」

早速その日の夕方、近所の子供達が「奏佑、遊ぼう！」と誘いに来た。奏佑、嬉しそうに近所の家に遊びに行ったよ。それからは学校もアフタースクールも楽しくて楽しくて、奏佑、輝いていた。

７歳という年齢、穏やかで素直で愛される性格もよかったのか、奏佑はあっという間に人気者になった。近所のお友達から受ける刺激が半端ない。スクーターや自転車はもちろんのこと、基地づくり、キャンプ、お誕生会、水泳、サーモンの稚魚の放流、バスケットボール、楽しそうで、伸び伸びして、子供らしくて、新しいことにどんどん挑戦して、みるみる逞しく成長して、私も嬉しかった。英語が遊びながら自然に身についたって感じ。近所のお友達や親御さんたち、ライオンズベイの学校、先生やコミュニティーに心から感謝。

さあさあこれから奏佑はどう変わるだろう。小さな３歳のライデンとよく一緒に遊んであげてた心優しい奏佑。これからもみんなに愛されて優しい人間に育っていくかな。カナダで出会った人達を覚えててくれるかな。英語を忘れてしまうかな。カナダに帰ってきたいって思うかな。思えば人生って人との出会いと別れの連続、これからも良い出会いがたくさんありますように。

「どうして奏佑は帰っちゃうの？」って泣いていた仲良しのマイケルやルーク、それにライデンのことを忘れないで優しいのびやかな思いやりのある人間に育っていってほしい。


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Messages to My Grandchildren….For Sumire すみれへのメッセージ

Surprising how time flew. A year zoomed by and my 12 year old granddaughter, Sumire, graduated from Grade 7.

A year ago, when she came from Japan and started her Grade 7 at the Gleneagles elementary school, in West Vancouver, it seemed rather impossible. She had such a big dream and so much hope, but imagine, with no English, coming from totally different culture at the age 12, it was incredibly challenging. She struggled. She felt lost, lonely, disappointed at herself. It was hard to watch that process knowing how she would be feeling, what thoughts would go through her head.

I had the same experience when I was 13. I know so well how hard it is.

I felt helpless and sad that I couldn’t really help her, no matter how much I wanted. She had to live through it herself and overcome. After all, I can’t live Sumire’s life.

‘However, my sincere congratulations to you, Sumire! You worked really hard. In only one year, you have made great friends with whom you had so much fun, in English! That is truly a great accomplishment, Sumire.’

‘I felt so proud watching you at your graduation.

After the ceremony we went to see your teacher to thank her personally. It was a deeply emotional moment for the teacher too, and tears moved to our eyes.’

‘Sumire, your hard work and your precious experience will definitely guide you through your future endeavors. You are one big step closer to your dream. Keep moving forward, and hold onto your dream.’

Sumire is returning to Japan at the end of July. She is now a different person, much stronger and more confident.

‘I’m sure there will be struggles and challenges waiting for you, remember what you have accomplished in the year. Work hard, keep smiling, and never give up.’

‘I will always support you, Sumi. Come to me when you need a big hug.’

あっという間に一年が過ぎて孫のすみれが7年生を卒業した。

12歳にして初めてカナダの小学校に編入して英語もわからず、慣れないことだらけでメチャクチャ苦労した。見ている私も想像している私も苦しかった。

私自身も１３歳で同じ経験をしたから、すみれがどんな思いでいるのか分かりすぎるほど分かる。それだけに、何もしてあげられないのが歯がゆくて可哀想でつらかった。

でもね。すみれの人生を生きることができるのはすみれだけだから仕方がないね。

それにしてもよくがんばった。たった一年で仲の良いお友達もできて、きゃっきゃと楽しく遊べるようになって、英語でコミュニケーションができるようになって本当によかった。

卒業式を見ていて誇らしかったよ。式が終わって担任の先生に挨拶に行ったら先生も感無量だった。話していると私まで泣きそうになってしまった。

すみれの1年間の苦労はきっと報われる、どこかで役に立つ時がくるよ。夢を持ち続けて少しずつ少しずつ夢に向かって前進していってね。

今月末には日本に帰ってしまうすみれ、一年前のすみれよりうんと強くなってるすみれ、いろんな苦労が待ってるだろうけど乗り切ってほしい。

応援してる。いつでも何でも相談してね。Big hugs to you!


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Why? どうして？

Why?

I had been bogged down with various events, visits, errands, and couldn’t write my blog for a long time. One day in early July we finally came to our cottage on Texada Island to slow down, calm our minds, relax… I was hoping I could write something. Instead, this shocking news appeared on my phone screen….

Japan’s former prime minister, Shinzo Abe was assassinated.

Such a shocking news…. My heart sank heavily. My mind was flying all over. I couldn’t focus on anything. I couldn’t write.

I was always proud of my motherland, a super peaceful country and gentle polite people. And in such a beautiful ancient capital of Nara….? Who and why?

How could you hate anybody to the point of killing that person? Apparently there was no personal connection between the shooter and Mr. Abe… Then, why ….?

When your life is not going well do you blame it on others? Is it because of the damn society? Cunning and devious politicians? Your uncaring parents? Your family’s poor money situations? The evil religious organization that sucked your family’s money?

Why is it not your own responsibility? If you had the brain to make your homemade gun, couldn’t you use your intelligence, creativity and talents for something that could have helped to improve your life?

My thoughts and emotions are boiling up. My heart is so heavy. What a waste! The life of an influential politician and the life someone who was young and smart but headed the wrong way, had been wasted and can’t be reversed……how sad.

I read a column in the online Asahi News, and was utterly moved. My best attempt of translating its last paragraph…

“One era is gone. Nevertheless, people and cars come and go as if nothing happened. This humongous city Tokyo is still pulsing as if nothing had happened. I thought of a poem written a thousand years ago. ‘The flow of the river is incessant, yet its water is never the same.’”

どうして？

なんだか次から次へといろいろ用事ができてブログが書けなかった数週間。やっとタクセーダのコテージに来て、リラックスして、頭をひやして、何か書けるかなと思ったら、いきなり飛び込んできたニュース。

日本で安倍元首相が暗殺されたという。

何ともショッキングなニュースに胸がザワザワ、心がドロドロして気楽にブログなど書けない。

あんなに平和な日本で？しかもあんなに美しい古代都市の奈良で？平和で温和で律儀な国民、私がいつも誇りに思っている日本。誰が一体どうしてそんなことを？殺したいと思い詰めるほど人を憎むとは…なんと悲しいことだろう。

人生が上手くいかないのは不親切な社会のせい？嘘つきの政治家のせい？不誠実な親のせい？お金がないから？家族の財産を吸い取った邪悪な宗教団体のせい？

どうして自分の責任じゃないの？手製銃が作れるくらいの頭脳と創造性があるなら、それを違う方向に使って人生が上手く行くよう努力することもできたんじゃないの？

思いがドクロを巻いて心が重い。それにしても1人の政治家の人生と若い頭脳明晰な犯人の人生とが無駄に終わってしまってなんともいえず…悲しい。

オンライン朝日ニュースで読む『天声人語』の終わりの一節が心にぐさっときた。

『一つの時代が終わった。それでも何事もなかったかのように人や車が行き交い、巨大都市、東京は脈動している。ゆく河の流れは耐えずして、しかも、元の水にあらず。その一節を思う。』


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PRISMA

There was a music festival called PRISMA (Pacific Region International Summer Music Association) in my little home town, Powell River, from June 13 to 26.

To tell you honestly, I had very little expectation for the quality of music. It is after all, such a small town. Nevertheless, I bought two passes for Neil and myself and looked forward to the concerts.

I was blown away. Oh, how wrong I was!

The morning of the first day, I saw young people carrying instruments and hanging a pass from their neck at many corners of our town. ‘Oh they must be the musicians participating the festival’ I thought. I remember attending music festivals when I was younger. ‘Did I look like that?…young…nervous…hopeful…’ I wondered, with a bit of nostalgia.

Concerts by guest professional musicians, concerto competition, master classes, symphony concerts, outdoor concerts…many variety of events were planned.

This festival was founded and conducted by a Dutch conductor named Arthur Arnold who now lives in Powell River and also conducting various orchestras around the world….so I heard. He is a down-to-earth, friendly, and super charismatic leader.

The two weeks went by so fast. We very much enjoyed the six concerts. The music performed by young energetic musicians was refreshing, powerful, and beautiful.

On the final day, at the final concert, the MC person thanked the musicians. “There are many music festivals in the world. Thank you so much for choosing this festival at this little Canadian town of Powell River. Thank you for coming all the way from 21 countries all over the world to this little town, two ferries away from Vancouver. Thank you for bringing your wonderful music and talent to the people in Powell River.” ….I was so moved. It brought tears to my eyes.

Many volunteers and many audiences, the whole town welcomed and supported this festival.

Listening to the beautiful violin of Scheherazade by Rimsky-Korsakov at the final concert, I couldn’t stop my tears.

Music is amazing. It’s so wonderful to share the love and joy of music.

6月13日から26日まで私の住む町パウエルリバーでPRISMAという音楽祭があった。(Pacific Region International Summer Music Association)

こんな小さな街の音楽祭なんて大したことはないだろうとたかをくくり、あまり期待もせず、でも二人分のパスだけは買ってコンサートにでかけた私。

いやはや、とんでもない大間違いだった。

13日の当日の朝、いつものようにフィットネスに出かけると町のあちこちで楽器を持ってパスを首からぶら下げた若者たちを目にした。ああ音楽祭に来ている若者たちだな。私も昔、音楽祭によく行ったけど、あんなふうだったのかな？…若くて緊張と希望の入り混じったの面持ちで…とちょっと懐かしく思ったりした。

ゲストのプロの音楽家のコンサートがあったり、若者たちのコンチェルトのコンクールがあったり、マスタークラスやシンフォニーのコンサートがあったり、野外コンサートがあったり、ともかく盛り沢山。

なんと世界21か国から若い音大生が参加しているという。

パウエルリバーに住む、オランダから移住したアーサー・アーノルドという指揮者が中心になって築き上げた音楽祭だそうだ。気さくで楽しくて面白い指揮者で、とても上手に若者たちの心を掴むカリスマ的リーダーのようだ。

あっという間に2週間が過ぎて6回のコンサートを堪能して音楽祭が終わった。若者たちのフレッシュでエネルギー溢れる音楽が毎回素晴らしい。

最後のコンサートの時に司会者が、「世界には多くの音楽祭があるのに、フェリーを2回も乗り継いで、カナダのこんな小さな町の音楽祭に、世界中の21ヵ国から来てくれて本当にありがとう。みんなの素晴らしい音楽を楽しませてくれて本当にありがとう。」と挨拶したのを聞いて、なんだか私まで痛く感動してしまった。胸がきゅーんとなった。

大勢のボランティアに支えられて、大勢の観客が来てくれて、町中が歓迎して、過ぎた2週間だった。最後のコンサートでリムスキーコルサコフのシエラザードの美しいバイオリンを聴きながら涙ボロボロになってしまった。

音楽は素晴らしい。みんなで一緒になって感動を共にするって本当に素晴らしい。心からそう思った。