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Life is interesting 「縁」の不思議

The trip for Neil and I for this summer was to Macedonia and Bulgaria.  We went to Macedonia for a wedding for a week.  Bulgaria was sort of chosen quite accidentally. We loved both places, and this trip made me think about ‘En’. It is a Japanese word which does not really have an equivalent translation in English.  It means something like ‘connections with people’ or ‘karma between people’ or ‘synchronicity in meeting people’….something like that.

I met Lucy more than ten years ago.  I was still working downtown in the World Trade Centre building.  Lucy was a co-op student from Simon Fraser University working for one of the BC government offices.  We first chatted when we were passing by each other in the corridor. I remember her saying at the time that she was studying Japanese.  I saw her several times either in the corridor or lunch room.  We only chatted for a few minutes.  I was very busy at the time with so many changes happening at work, and did not really notice until one day a memo came from the government office saying she was leaving. “Oh…. so Lucy is finishing her co-op program and going back to school,” I phoned her up and invited her for lunch.  That was the beginning of our friendship.

“So what are you studying when you go back to SFU?” I asked.

“I’m taking a class called Business Strategy,” she said.

“Oh…. oh, really? Who is the professor?”

Then, she looked for a piece of paper down in her purse, picking it out, and said,

“Hm…. Dr. Neil Abramson…” My eyes rolled.

I told her that he is my husband, and we agreed to keep it secret.  So for the whole semester Neil had no idea Lucy and I were friends.  Lucy finished the class with an excellent mark, and Neil had a pleasant surprise afterward.

Lucy kept in touch with us.  She came to visit us, talked about her future studies, work issues, career….  Neil was happy to give her feedback, talk about his own experiences, and became like her mentor.  And one day, we received a phone call from Toronto, that she was getting married in Macedonia!  Life is interesting…..

So that’s how our Macedonia trip happened.  When I was looking for some tour to participate in after the wedding, scrolling up and down my favorite website, responsibletravel.com, I came across this Eight Day Bulgaria Cultural Tour.  Since Europe in August can be so crowded and expensive, wouldn’t it be nice to go to a place where it’s quiet and relatively unknown….  We certainly made the right choice.

I had never dreamed of visiting Macedonia or Bulgaria.  They were simply not on my list of the places I wanted to visit.  Life is indeed interesting. How much I enjoyed being there, learning about their history, religion, politics, culture, exotic villages, traditional houses, arts and crafts…., were totally beyond words.  We certainly had an adventurous time driving ourselves in a rental car from Sofia to Skopje to Lake Ohrid, and back to Sofia.  Above all, I enjoyed the people.  In Macedonia, meeting Lucy’s newly husband, Mitko, and their families and friends was very special. I met Lucy’s mother and sister for the first time and enjoyed talking with them.  I became reacquainted with Neil’s former student, Sarah, and her husband and their little boys. I thought Mitko’s mother was so dynamic.  She was an enthusiastic person, dancing for hours, entertaining and taking care of people.  She looked cheerful, yet I kept wondering how she really was feeling… No doubt she must have been exhausted having had no sleep for days organizing this event.  No doubt she would be feeling ‘lonely‘.  Who wouldn’t?  Her only son is soon moving away to Canada. She had lost her daughter to a car accident, and her husband to some illness.  She lives alone in a small town two hours away from Skopje.  Nevertheless, I was utterly moved by her way of ‘living the moment’. Let’s not worry about the future at ‘this moment’. Let’s not dwell on the past.  Let’s enjoy ‘now’. Let’s live ‘now’ to the fullest.  Let’s provide the best ‘now’ to the guests. I really appreciated her hospitality.

In Bulgaria, we stayed seven nights in a house called “EKO ART” owned and operated by a sculptor, Encho Gankogski and a photographer, Velichka Gankogska. The house was in a small village called Drashkova Polyana, population only 76, situated at the foot of the Balkan mountains.  It is sort of like Minshuku in Japan, or a B&B (with lunch and dinner) in North America.  Not a hotel or inn, but a house, and Vily cooked wonderful meals for us with their home grown vegetables.  Encho taught us pottery.  We went to a nearby town called Troyan (population about 20,000) and learned icon painting.  We went to a small deserted looking village and learned woodcarving.  We were introduced to some traditional instruments, and had fun dancing. For a person like me, who is not so young, interested in different cultures, ….not particularly interested in luxury or expensive shopping or deluxe dining, or relaxing on a beach all day….you get the idea…, this tour was perfect.  Neil and I got to emerge in the village life and got to experience the culture by learning, being taught hands-on by local people. I liked the fact that our visit actually helped to bring income to the village people, not to a mammoth corporation. Our guide and interpreter, Ivan Dinkov, was a brilliant man.  He said he was educated in a Russian school.  He was a truly smart and unique character.  He had interesting views of life and the world, perhaps coming from his upbringing by his communist poet father and actress mother.  He provided us with many many stimulating and interesting conversations for the eight days.

I wonder…people are like threads.  We live in different parts of the world, live totally different lives having no idea who exists where… and one day we meet. Threads come to be woven together for a period of time, and then part again.

Is Vily picking her tomatoes and cooking those delicious meals now?

Is Encho enjoying his own flavorful apple Raki now?

Is Ivan walking through the mountain pass where a flock of sheep and goats peacefully munch guarded by sheepdogs?

And, I am back in Canada with my own life.

Life is really interesting.

今年の旅行はマケドニアとブルガリアだった。マケドニアは結婚式に出席するため、そしてブルガリアはどちらかというと偶然。でもなんだか人の縁について考えさせられる旅だったように思う。

私がルーシーと出会ったのはもう１０年以上も前のこと。まだダウンタウンのワールドトレードセンター内で働いていたころだ。サイモンフレーザー大学の研修生のような形で州政府のオフィスに派遣されてきた彼女と廊下でちょこっと立ち話をしたのが始まりだった。日本語の勉強をしていると言っていた。それから何度か廊下やランチルームで軽く会話を交わした。感じのいい子だとは思ってたけど、私も仕事が忙しかったし、いろいろなことが重なってそれ以上のお付き合いはなかった。ある日、ルーシーのお別れ会の通知が来た。「ああそうか、もう研修が終わって大学に帰るんだなあ。お別れ会には残念だけど出られないなあ。。。」それで代わりに「ランチ食べに行かない？」と誘ったことから私たちの付き合いが始まった。

「大学に戻ったら何の勉強するの？」と聞くとビジネスストラテジーのクラスを取るという。「え？あら。。教授は誰？」と聞くとガサガサ、バッグの中から紙を取り出して「うーんと。。。ニール　エイブラムソンっていう人」というからびっくり。「ニールは私の夫だけど、お互い私たちが友達だってこと内緒にしとこうね。」ということでニールは何も知らないまま、ルーシーは無事に優秀な成績でクラスを終えた。もちろんあとで実は私たち友達だったときいてニールはびっくり。

それから何年もルーシーは機会あるごとにニールや私に会いに来てくれた。進路や仕事の話をしてくれて、ニールはとくに彼女のメンターのような役割を果たしたのかもしれない。その彼女が思いがけずマケドニアでマケドニア人の素敵な彼氏と結婚式を挙げることになった。人生分からないものだ。それなら私たちもぜひ行こうではないか、とマケドニア行きを計画したのだ。結婚式は８月だからそのあとどこかに寄りたいけどヨーロッパはどこも観光客でいっぱい、どこか静かなところはないかなあと探していて、たまたま目に付いたのがブルガリア。

訪れることになるとは夢にも思ってなかった国々。全く思いがけなかった旅行。エキゾチックな景色に何も知らなかった歴史や宗教、政治状況、遺跡の数々、興味深い旅だった。でも何よりも私の心を強烈に打ったのは出会った人々だ。マケドニアでは、ルーシーやミッコの家族や友達との素敵な出会いがあった。新郎のお母さんの姿も目に焼き付いている。いったいどこからそんなエネルギーが出てくるの？と目を見張るようなダイナミックな明るいお母さんで、ゲストのみんなを先導して踊ったり会話をしたり気配りをしたり。言葉が通じず直接会話は出来なかったけど、聞けば交通事故で１８歳の娘さんを亡くし、数年前には旦那さんを亡くし、母一人子一人だという。たった一人の最愛の息子が結婚して近い将来、遠くカナダへ行ってしまうことに淋しい思いをしていないわけがないのに、この明るさはどこから来るのか。。。「今」を大切にしよう。「今」を楽しもう。お客さんに最高の「今」を提供しよう。そんな心配りを感じて心が温まった。

ブルガリアではバルカン山脈の麓の小さな小さな人口７６人の村で、彫刻家のエンチョと写真家のヴィリーが経営するEKO ART というハウスに７泊した。ペンションとか民宿とかって感じかな？一軒の家で、ヴィリーが朝昼晩、庭で採れた野菜を使ってホームメイドの素晴らしい食事を作ってくれた。エンチョは私たちに陶芸を教えてくれた。Troyanという町（人口約２万人）に行ってアイコンペインテイングを習ったり、さらに寂れた部落で木彫りを教わったり、民族楽器やダンスを習ったり。。。観光客である私たちのお金が直接村に住む人々の収入になる、私たちも村の人たちと直接接して彼らの生活や文化を学ぶ、そんな企画が嬉しかった。ずっとつきっきりで通訳してくれたガイドのイヴァンは共産党の党員だった父親と女優の母親の元に生まれロシア語で教育を受けた人。頭脳明晰、ユニークな思考の持ち主で、話に刺激があり、とても楽しかった。

地球の反対側で、全く違った環境で生きてきて、全く異なる人生を歩んできて、今まで全く関係のなかった人たち、そんな人たちがあるとき思いがけず出会って、人生の糸が何日間かだけ紡ぎあう。そしてまた離れていく。

今もヴィリーは天然酵母のパンを作って庭のトマトを採って美味しい夕飯を作っているだろうか。

エンチョは自作のリンゴのブランデイを目を細めながら満足げにすすっているだろうか。

イヴァンはバルカンの山を羊やヤギの群れを見ながら歩いているだろうか。

そして私はカナダの日常に戻り、こうして人の縁の不思議に思いを巡らしている。。。。

不思議だ。つくづく人の縁は不思議だと思う。


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Organ オルガン

If you want to be proficient in one thing, you must keep at it for at least ten years.  Have you heard that?  I have been studying organ for almost ten years and I am still far away from that level. I am still struggling.

I did play in a concert in May the Chorale No. 3 by Franck.  This Chorale was the last piece Franck wrote.  He was himself an organist and composed many organ pieces.  This is a beautiful piece, indeed, a very cool piece.  Rehearsing on the pipe organ in the large sanctuary of St. Mary’s Kerrisdale with a full organ sound was thrilling.  I loved my solitude.  Giving a concert to myself was overwhelmingly pleasing.  However, a month before the concert I needed to drop everything and fly to my father in Japan.  He was having a kidney operation. When I came back, there was only a week left to the concert. I drove one hour every morning to the Kerrisdale church to practice and by the concert day I got to be pretty confident about my performance.

I don’t really know what happened.  Was I over-excited?  I thought my head was pretty calm….but obviously not.  The beginning of the piece which was like a storm, became uncontrollable.  I started out playing in a killingly fast tempo, and I fell.  Then, slow quiet chorale tune comes.  I breathe.  Thinking in my head, when the next storm comes, I should stay calm and play slower.  The moment later, I began in a killingly fast tempo again.   My head went spinning… uncontrollable. I fell.

I was angry.  I was disappointed at myself.  I was sad that I could not convey the beauty of this wonderful piece.  How I wished I could play it all over again…..

I found myself waking up at 2AM that night, and performing in my head the same piece all over again.  This is just not right…. I cannot stand this any more.  I should stop performing organ.  I don’t dare want to feel this way ever again. Turning right and left, lying on my back, moaning and sighing, I stayed in bed awaken.

Next morning, as I opened my eyes after a bit of dozing, I thought I heard a voice.

“Don’t forget, remember, that what matters is the process, not the result…..”

As my head starting to clear up a little, I thought, yes, that is true.  I really did have a great experience every day of the week rehearsing.  I have not had that level of thrill and passion for a long time.  Sure, if I were much younger, I would have advanced hugely every time I played in a concert.  Now it’s a different story.  However small it was, I had a step forward.   I should be content.

OMG, again, my focus was all on myself, and I had forgotten to feel how blessed I was…..

 

オルガンを始めてもうかれこれ１０年になる。何事も１０年は続けなければものにならないというけど、私の場合はまだまだ未だに苦闘を続けている。でも５月末にコンサートでフランクのコラールの３番を弾いた。 オルガニストであり、多くのオルガン曲を作曲したフランクの最後の作品で美しくて何よりとてもカッコイイ曲だ。特に大きな教会で大きなパイプオルガンで大きな音でたった一人で弾きまくったとき、なんとも言えないゾクゾクするようなスリルと満足感がある。何ヶ月も前から練習は続けていたもののコンサートの一ヶ月前から日本に行かなければならなくなって中断。日本から帰国して慌てて、一週間、毎日片道１時間かけてケリスデールの教会に通って練習した。かなり自信があった。絶対うまくいくと思っていた。

ところが。。。落ち着いていると思っていてもオーバーエキサイトしていたのか。。。嵐のように始まる曲の私の頭の中の嵐がすごすぎて、とてつもなく速いスピードで弾き始めてしまって転んでしまう。途中、ゆっくりの静かなコラールにきてほっとして、次また嵐がきたら今度こそゆっくりめに弾こうと頭で思いつつ、ときがきたらまたもや速く弾きすぎてしまう。転びっぱなしで散々。

なんとも悔しく情けない。素晴らしい音楽なのにそれをうまく伝えられなかった自分が悲しい。もう一度弾きなおすことができたら。。。帰宅して寝ていても朝方の２時頃ガバッと目覚め、気がついたら頭の中でガンガン演奏し直している。もうこんなことは２度とごめんだ。もう人前で演奏するのはよそう。悶々と眠れない夜を過ごした。

翌日、うたた寝から目覚めてぼーっとしていたら、私の頭の中に「声」が聞こえてきたような気がした。「結果が大事なんじゃない。そこに至るプロセスが大事なんだ」急にスキッとしたような気がした。そうだよなあ。コンサートの前一週間は楽しい体験をさせてもらったよなあ。久しぶりに体全体でゾクゾクドキドキして昂揚したよなあ。１０代や２０代の頃はコンサートのたびに大きく前進したものけど、もう今は小さな小さな歩み。でもおかげさまでちょこっとでも前進したではないか。よかったじゃないか。そんな風に思えて嬉しかった。

 


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Miracle 奇跡

Yesterday was an amazing day.  In the afternoon, I went to do healing touch for Ms. J who was having a surgery in few days.  When I arrived, there was a woman friend of Ms. J who somehow looked very familiar.  She said “Long time no see, Haruyo” and spoke to me like an old friend.  Although I was responding in the same manner, I kept on thinking…. where did I meet her? She looks so familiar. I must know her from somewhere… Gradually, my memory started to come back.  She could be the wife of my former boss…, but she looks completely different from before.  She used to be a very sharp assertive looking person, but now such a gentle and soft looking woman….

My former boss R was diagnosed as having ALS 12 years ago, and he retired at his early 50s.  For a while we kept in touch meeting for coffee or lunch.  We gradually lost in touch after I had my career change.  I never saw him the last ten years.  The only thread was that I kept on sending my Christmas letter to him once a year.  I thought of him often and hoped he was alright.  ALS is a disease that the muscle starts to deteriorate little by little and soon or later lose capability of breathing and die.  It’s been so long since he had the diagnosis… he must be bound to bed by now…   I just didn’t have the courage to phone him.

Few weeks ago, I was talking about him to my friend A who is a minister.  He said, “Without exception people who have ALS are feeling so lonely as their disease progresses. They suffer the feeling of abandonment as people around them stop talking to them. You should call him.”  “But…what would I say to him? I can’t say ‘how are you?’ It would sound so phony.  It’s like asking how much his disease has progressed.  I don’t want him to think that I am curious about his disease, or I am waiting for him to get worse or die….” I mumbled.  “Ah, Haruyo, you are worrying about your appearance,” A said.  “If you could get over that, and if you could worry about R first, then you must call him right away.”

His words stabbed my heart.  He was right.  I was worried about how people would think of me….by calling him and asking how he was. I was putting my appearance over his suffering. How fool was I…   Yet, I could not actually phone him, and everyday I was promising myself to phone him the next day.

And now, R’s wife is here with me, doing healing touch with me for this lady who is having a surgery this week.  She said to me, “R is in the library reading.  He is waiting for me.  Why don’t you go and surprise him?”

So I did.  I saw him after 10 years.  I was so happy to see him looking so well.  I had no problem saying, “You look so well.  What happened to your ALS?”  R said, “ it’s been 12 years since the diagnosis.  The disease seems to have just stopped.  I’m having a normal life.  The doctor thinks it’s a miracle.”  Yes, what a miracle…..!!

What a blessing… and, thank you A!!!

昨日はなんだかすごい日だった。近日中に手術を受けるJさんという人にヒーリングタッチをするため約束の場所に行くとそこにJさんの友人が来ていた。何となく見覚えのある女性。彼女は私を見て「久しぶりねえ、ハルヨ」と親しく話しかけてくれる。私も調子を合わせながら、『はて、どこで会った人だっけ？』と頭の隅で考え続けた。『もう１０年以上も会ってないけど、もしかして私が昔々働いていた会社のボスの奥さんかな〜』だんだんぼんやりと記憶がよみがえってくる。でもそれにしても雰囲気が全然変わってしまってる。。。昔はシャキシャキしてきついくらいの人だったんだけど今はすごく柔らかく優しい感じになってる。。。

私のもとボスRさんは１２年前、ALSの診断を受けてやむなく５０代前半で退職。その後１−２年は時々会ってお茶を飲んだりランチに行ったりしたものの、だんだん疎遠になり、私が会社を辞めたこともあってここ１０年くらいは年に一度クリスマスレターを送るだけになってしまっていた。でも、どうしてらっしゃるかなあ、といつも気になってた。ALSはだんだん体が麻痺して筋肉が動かせなくなり遅かれ早かれ死に至る病気だ。もうきっと寝たきりの生活を送ってらっしゃるだろうなあ、と思いながら、電話して様子を聞いてみる勇気もなく悶々としていた。

牧師である友人Aさんにその話をすると、「ALSの最期に近づくとまわりの人がどんどん疎遠になって離れていくからみんな例外なく寂しい思いをしているよ。連絡してあげなさい」という答えが返って来た。「でも連絡してなんて言えばいいのかな。元気？ていうのも変だし、どうしてるの？ていうとまるで病気がどこまで進行した？て聞くみたいじゃない？興味本位で聞いてるみたいに思われるのもいやだし、まるで最期を待ってるかのような感じにとられるのもいやだし。。。」とモゴモゴ言ってると、Aさんは「ああ、ハルヨは自分がどう思われるかってことを心配してるんだね」とずばっと言った。「そんなこと乗り越えて自分のことよりもRさんのことを考えてあげれるようになったら、一日も早く電話してあげなさい」

ぐさっとくる言葉だった。本当にそうだ。Aさんの言う通り。私がどう思われるかなんて問題じゃない。本末転倒。本当に馬鹿な私。それでも電話する勇気がどうしても出なくて一日延ばしにしてた。

そのRさんの奥さんが目の前にいて私と一緒にヒーリングタッチをしている。。。。奥さんが私に言った。「Rは図書館で座ってるから行って驚かしてごらんなさい」

そこで私は奥さんの言う通り、図書館に行ってRさんと１０年ぶりの再会をした。元気そうなRさんを見て嬉しくてたまらなかった。素直に「元気そうね。ALSはどうなっちゃったの？」て言えた。「診断から１２年経ってるけどまだぴんぴん生きてる。進行も止まっちゃったみたい。お医者さんから奇跡だって言われた」本当になんという奇跡。

それにしても。。。。Aさん、ありがとう。


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Mother and Daughter 母と娘

One of the magazines my friend gave me the other day had articles on relationships between mother and daughter.  According to the article, there are four types of mothers that are damaging to the relationship with their daughters.  They are “controlling tyrant mothers”, “nagging jealous mothers”, “bulldozing mothers” and “crying poor me mothers”.  Thank God my mother was not one of them.  However….. how was I as a mother for my daughters? I don’t think I was that controlling, or nagging, or bulldozing, or self pitying…..but really? I might have been like that in some instances.  Just recently, I had conversation with one of my daughters and was surprised.  She remembered things that I don’t remember at all….things like what I said or what I did…  She remembered things or incidents in totally different ways. Things I said many years ago to her when she was a child had been interpreted wrongly, differently from my intentions.  So, I thought…. my children might have never understood what I meant, and I had never known that all these years…..sigh… Raising children is super difficult.  No mother is perfect.  Mothers often have no experience in whatever issues they are facing. Often, I had no clue what to do or what to say.  I had to follow my intuitions, think hard, do or say my best, and hope for the best.  Not surprising if I did say something wrong or hurtful.

A little before my mom suddenly died about three years ago, my dad, sister, and I went to a restaurant to have dinner.  My sister started talking about her “pre-school” memories and told them how awful her pre-school experience was and how sad she felt when our mom was hard on her. “OMG, why now?” I thought, “what difference does it make to bring up those things after so many years?”  My mother looked sad and said to her, “I am sorry.”   When my sister left for washroom, my mom said with a big sigh, “she doesn’t understand how much I had been worrying about her those days.  I really struggled and was worried……”  It must have been so difficult, both mom and my sister.  I really felt sorry.  A child can interpret a situation in some childish manner, misunderstand the mother’s intentions, feel some terrible injustice has been imposed on her/him, drag the injuries all his/her life, and live his/her entire life thinking s/he is a victim. It could happen…..easily…

友人からもらった雑誌に母と娘の関係についての特集があった。娘を困らせる母親タイプとして「ビシバシ独裁母」「ネチネチ嫉妬母」「ズカズカ踏み込み母」「メソメソ弱者ぶる母」と４タイプの母親がいるそうだ。ふんふんと読みながら私はそんな母親に育てられなくてよかったと思い、はて私は母親として子供を困らせただろうか？と考えてしまった。そこまで極端に独裁だったり嫉妬だったり踏み込みだったりメソメソだったりはなかったと思うけど、その時々の状況下でそれに似たような行動があったかもしれない。。。娘達と話していて時々びっくり仰天することがある。私が母親として全く覚えていないことを娘達が鮮明におぼえていたり、私が覚えていることと全く違った解釈で娘達は覚えていたり。。。何年も前に自分が言ったことやとった行動を全く誤解していて私の思惑が何も通じていなかったこと、そしてそんな誤解を何年も全く知らなかったことに愕然としたり。。。今更ながら子育てはむずかしいと思う。母親だって、経験豊富なわけもなく、どうしていいかわからないことだらけ。その時々にベストと思えることを言ったりしたりするわけで、あとでしまった、と頭を抱えることだっていくらでもある。

母はおよそ３年前に突然亡くなったんだけど、その少し前、父と妹と私と４人で食事をしたときに妹が幼稚園時代の辛かった思い出を話したことがある。「ひどい幼稚園だった」「母に怒られて悲しかった」私は内心おたおたと仰天、「今更そんなことを言って何になるの？」「それは悪かったなあ」と母は言って悲しそうな顔をした。妹がトイレにたったとき、「何も理解してないんやなあ。あの時の親の気持ち、全然わかってないんやなあ」とため息をついたのを見て、当時の母は母で葛藤や心配やいろんな思いが渦巻いていたんだろうなあと思った。子供ってそう、子供の頭で感じ取ったことを子供なりに未熟に解釈して、誤解であっても何であっても一生引きずって、ひどい場合には被害者意識を持ちながら生きていくことがあるんじゃないか。案外親の気持ちとか意志とかちゃんと通じてないんじゃないか、そんなことを考えてしまった。


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What is “remembrance”? リメンバランスの意味

November 9 was a remembrance service at the church I work.  It’s a service to remember Canadian soldiers who died in wars.  It is held on the Sunday closest to the Remembrance Day, November 11.

I was busy preparing for this day, organ prelude, choir’s introit, anthem, postlude, and a soprano solo music.  I played a chorale by J. S. Bach and a beautiful composition called “Live in Peace” by a Vancouver composer, Paul Ohannesian.  The choir sang an Introit, a stunning piece called Kontakion by also a Vancouver composer Rupert Lang. The Anthem was Requiem by Eliza Gilkyson, a relatively new composition, simple but powerful music.  Soprano Solo was from Faure’s Requiem “In Paradisum”, and I got the choir to sing  “He Watching Over Israel” from Elijah by Mendelssohn for the Postlude.  It was a very moving service.  Music is powerful, really.  It was a moment I really felt happy to be a music director.

There was a bit of disagreement around the subject of national anthem.  The minister and I both thought we should not sing the Canadian anthem at the service. However, there were several people who strongly protested, and so we did sing.  The remembrance service for me is remembering all the people who died in the war, not just Canadian soldiers.  Not just soldiers, but also innocent civilians who had to die in the stupid fights between peoples and nations.  Not just people who died but their surviving families who were and are devastated by the loss.

I was born only ten years after the World War II. I grew up hearing dreadful, sad, cruel stories from my parents and grandparents. I just cannot agree to glorify any wars.  I don’t feel comfortable in participating anything that seems to be glorifying wars. Why do we have to repeat the tragedy and cruelty over and over? The Remembrance Day should be the day to pray for all who died in the war regardless of which side.  It should be the day to pray for peace in the world, the day to remind us that we will never repeat ever again. I feel it’s a bit odd to sing National Anthem in the church remembrance service.  We are human beings that God created in his image, but so are the people we have fought against.  Before being a citizen of whichever nation, aren’t we a human being?  God has created us with conscience and values.  Do you kill another human being because you are ordered to do so by your nation?  Is it right?  Can you feel proud of that? Is it something you commemorate and glorify every year?  …in church…before God? I don’t know what to think.  It bothers me every year.

１１月９日の日曜日は私の働く教会でリメンバランス礼拝があった。日本語でいうと追悼礼拝かな。。。。？　つまりは戦死された兵隊さん達を追悼する礼拝で毎年１１月１１日のリメンバランスデーに一番近い日曜日に行われる。 この日のために私はオルガン前奏曲、聖歌隊のイントロイト、アンセム、ポストリュード、そして声楽ソロの曲と準備に大忙し。オルガンはバッハのコラールに私の友人Paul Ohannesianが作曲したLive in Peaceという美しい曲を弾き、聖歌隊のイントロイトはこれもバンクーバー在住の作曲家Rupert LangのKonntakionというすばらしい曲、アンセムはこれまた作曲されたばかりのEliza Gilkysonのレクイエム、シンプルだけど心に染み透るような美しい曲、ソプラノソロはフォーレのレクリエムからIn Paradisum、そしてポストリュードはメンデルスゾーンのElijahからHe Watching Over Israel　自分で言うのもなんだけど、感動的な礼拝だったと思う。音楽の力ってすごい。この仕事をやっててよかったと思えるひとときだった。

でもカナダの国歌を礼拝で歌うか歌わないかでちょっとした意見の食い違いがあった。牧師さんと私は歌わない側。でも教会員数人の強い反対を受けて結局は歌った。私にとっての追悼礼拝とはカナダの戦死者だけでなく、兵隊さんだけでなく、つまらない人間同士の、国の争いに巻き込まれて死んでいった大勢の普通の人たち、そして残された悲しみにうちひしがれた人たちへの追悼。

私は日本でまだ戦争の記憶の新しい戦後１０年目に生まれ、両親や祖父母から想像を絶するような悲しい話を聞かされながら育った。だからどうしても戦争を賛美するような式や歌、音楽には抵抗を感じる。人間ってどうしてこんな残酷で悲しいことを繰り返すのだろう。戦争を賛美したり国のために戦死した兵隊さんを賛美するのではなく、敵味方関係なく、亡くなられた全ての人達と平和への祈りを礼拝する日であってほしいと願うんだけど。。。 国歌を歌うのはなんとなく違う気がする。。。神の前では自分は XX 人である前に人間であるわけで、人間には神様から授けられた良心や価値観がある。。。国の命令で人を殺せと言われたら殺すのか。。。それでいいのか。。。そうしてそれを毎年、賛美するのか。。しかも教会で。。毎年考え込む難しい問題。


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What I felt in Japan 日本で感じたこと

One thing I was disappointed in Japan was that I didn’t feel the vegetables and fruits I had tasted as good as before.  I used to be always looking forward to “eating” in Japan.  Vegetables and fruits were always so pleasing.  They were full of flavour, everything tasted stronger than what I eat in Canada.  Now, things have changed.  They all look beautiful, perfect shape, and big, but with less flavour and less taste. Am I the only one who feels that way?  Where are the tomatoes, peaches, and pears that I loved when I lived there 24 years ago?  When I came back to Vancouver, I really appreciated the fresh vegetables I picked from my backyard and the local organic vegetables and fruits I bought.  They didn’t look as pretty and perfect but tasted way better, I thought.  And, less expensive.  I don’t have to worry about my wallet as I enjoy.

However, there is one thing I am always impressed when I go to Japan.  That is the kindness of people.  People are so nice, sincerely kind, even in such a huge city like Tokyo, even to complete strangers.  This attitude is something fundamentally different from Canada.  Although there are occasionally few people in Japan who seem to be just reading a manual book, most people try very hard to do their best to help strangers.  And that tendency is  stronger as you go to countryside.  I just love this.

Tokyo is too big a city for me, but it might be nice to live in countryside of Japan, in some small town where there is abundant nature.

日本でがっかりしたことの一つは野菜や果物の味が落ちたこと。以前はいつも日本に行けばおいしい野菜や果物に感動したものだけど、今はすっかり変わったように思う。形ばかりきれいで大きくて美しい果物、でも口に入れれば味は今ひとつ。なんだか味が薄い、甘みも足りない、そんな気がしてしようがない。あの昔ながらのトマトは、桃は、梨はどこに行ったの？バンクーバーに帰って庭で採れた野菜やローカルのオーガニック野菜や果物をたらふく食べて「形は悪くてもこっちの方がずっとおいしい」と改めて思った。値段をあまり気にせず食べたいだけ食べれるのもいい。本当にありがたいことだと思う。

でも日本に行くと感心することは人が皆、誠心誠意、親切だってこと。東京のような大都会でも、見ず知らずの人々が何でも本当に親切に対応してくれる。接客の根本的な姿勢がカナダとは違っている。たまにマニュアルを読んでるかのような人にも出会うけど、大抵の人は「自分に出来る限りの親切をしよう」という態度で一人一人の人に接しているような気がする。田舎に行けば行くほどその傾向が強くなる。

東京は私には大都会すぎるけど、人の少ない自然の豊かな地方のの小さな町なら日本に住むのもいいなと思う今日この頃。


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Hope? 希望？

The last day of our short trip to Akashi, we visited my mother’s sister who is 95 years old.  She was lying on bed of a nursing home, not very together…in and out… But, she recognized me and said, “ah, Haruyo-chan, so nice to see you,” and cried.  She was very close to my mother and used to come to help us whenever needed.  I remember she came to take care of us when we were moving.  She was quiet, calm, and worked so hard with no complaints. I’ve heard from my late mother that although she had a sweetheart when she was 18, she was forced to give up the relationship and had to marry my uncle for some political reasons.  She could not really love her husband for her entirely life.  However, that was so normal those days.  Women were supposed to get married, raise children, take care of her family, sacrifice herself…..and that was so expected….

Her children all came to her room and we enjoyed our visits with each other.  Then, we all went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant.  What a fun time we had.  But eventually, came the time to say good-bye.  Behind our cousins waving hands and shouting bye-bye, I saw K quietly wiping her tears.  K is one of my cousin’s wife, about 70.  I think it was when I was about 20, she married my cousin. She lived with him and my aunt and uncle in the same house, worked as a school administrator all her life, and supported the family.  She is a calm person, not very talkative, but always so caring.  Of course, there is no blood relation to me, never saw each other more than just a few times, had not much conversation, there was no reason for her to be sad…  However, I saw her sorrow, loneliness, and overwhelming weight of life on her shoulders in her tears and choked my heart.  Somehow, that scene just stayed with me for a long long time.  Poor K…….

It’s kind of sad to get older.  Everything becomes heavier as the age progresses.  You lose your loved ones one by one, increasing your loneliness.  Your body starts to go wrong, taking away your confidence little by little.  How should we keep on holding our hope and continue to live happily?  I can see….it’s going to be my life project…a big one….

明石への旅の最終日、９５歳になる母の姉を訪ねた。老人ホームのベッドに横たわって意識がもうろうとしている叔母、でも「ああ、治代ちゃん、よう来たな」といって涙を流してくれた。母と仲の良い叔母で何かと言うとすぐに駆けつけてくれてご飯を作ってくれたり幼い私たちの面倒を見てくれたり。。。おとなしくて働き者で辛いことがあっても文句一つ言わずだまって黙々と働いていたっけ。この叔母は１８の時に、愛する人がいたのに無理矢理引き離されて政略結婚させられて、結局最後まで夫を心から愛することが出来なかったと今は亡き母から聞いたことがある。でも昔はそれが普通だったんだと。女は結婚して子供を産んで家族のために働きづめに働いて、自分を犠牲にして。。。それが普通だったんだと。。。

叔母の部屋にいとこ達が集まってひとしきりわいわいがやがやと懐かしんだあと、みんなで昼食を食べに行った。本当に楽しいひとときだった。そしていよいよお別れのとき、にぎやかに別れを告げるいとこ達の後ろで静かにひそやかに涙をながしているKさんを見た。Kさんはいとこのお嫁さん、といってももう７０くらいだけど。私が２０歳くらいのときだったかな、いとこの所にお嫁に来て共働きをして家族を支えた。おとなしいけどしっかりした人で言葉少なく、いつも細かな気配りを忘れない人だった。もちろん血のつながりもなく、滅多に会わない私とはあまり会話を交わすこともなく、涙を流すほど私たちとの別れが悲しいはずはないんだけど。。。でもその涙に私はKさんの抱える人生の重みや悲しみ寂しさを感じて胸が詰まった。なぜかいつまでもいつまでもKさんの姿が目にこびりついた。Kさん苦労してるな。。。

年を取るってなんだか悲しい。とればとるほど悦びも悲しみもど〜んと重くのしかかってくる。だんだん愛する人たちが他界して寂しさも増してくる。体も故障してくる。気が弱くなる。そんな中でどうやって希望を持ち続け明るく生き続けるのか、これからの私の課題だなあ。。。


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Akashi 明石

The last weekend in Japan, I went to Akashi with my father, my sister and her husband.  Akashi is my father’s hometown where he was born and grown up.  I was born there, too.  We had visited Akashi several times every year when I was a kid, but not at all or hardly ever after my grandparents passed away.  Then, there was a big earthquake in Kobe area and the house in Akashi was half destroyed.  The house was rebuilt; I had some major life changes in Canada; my parents became older and frail; my mother passed away; …. and before you know, it was over 20 years since we were last there.  This time, it was my sister who came up with this idea, planned and organized the trip.  We got my father get ready, my sister and her husband drove, and I just sat in the car.  So many things happened in this trip and many things made me think… and I should slowly write them down little by little.  However, the main thing is that I felt such an immense gratitude about my extended family with whom we could instantly bond after so many years/decades of not seeing each other.  Hearing episodes from our childhood made me feel so grateful that I grew up being loved by so many people.  My 86 year old father looked so happy, became at least 10 years younger, seemed so much together, and told us about the time he came back home after the war.  His voice was shaking and I knew exactly how he felt.  Seeing my father being so happy made me so happy and I just couldn’t stop my tears.

日本滞在の最後の週末、父と妹夫婦とともに父の生まれ故郷の明石に行って来た。子供の頃には毎年何度も行った明石だけど、祖父母が亡くなってからは全くと言っていいくらいご無沙汰だった。その間に阪神大震災があり、昔からの家は半壊。私もカナダで離婚、再婚、転職など人生の転換期が相次ぎ、両親も年を取って遠出がおっくうになり、母が亡くなり。。。そうこうするうちに少なくとも二十年がたってしまった。今回の明石行きは妹が発案、企画、父を連れ出して、妹夫婦が運転して、私が便乗して実現した。いろんなことがあって色々思ったことがあってこれから少しずつ書いていこうと思うけど、まずは家族、親戚がいることの幸せを痛感した旅だった。子供の頃に会ったっきりでも、何十年も会ってなくても、再会すれば即、昔に戻ってわだかまりなく笑い合える。叔父や叔母や従兄弟達、こんなにたくさんの人たちに愛されて私たちは育ったんだな、と子供のころのエピソードを聞きながら感慨深く思った。８６歳の父がまるで１０歳も若返ったようにしっかりと話をして心の底から楽しそうで、時には戦争から帰って来た時の話をしながら感激のあまり涙声になったり、そんな父の様子を見ているだけでも嬉しくて涙が出た。

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Baby was born. 赤ちゃん誕生

Sosuke. September 7, 2014 at 10:26AM, 2,965 gram. At that moment, I was driving the Hwy 99 toward Lions Bay. It was the evening of Saturday the 6th in Vancouver.

When Tomoka’s pain started, Ikkei(her younger brother) was at Tomoka’s house visiting from Vancouver, and was able to take care of Sumire (her 5 year old daughter). While Tomoka was in the hospital, her husband Tomo-kun took some time off from work, and Sumire even slept at the hospital for some nights. I arrived Tokyo the night before they came home from the hospital… So-chan has made his world debut in such a perfect way, timing-wise. He’s got a face with big eyes, big nose, big mouth, and yes… he is pretty handsome. Very tiny. I’ve forgotten how small new-born babies were….

However, I was shocked to see how baby birth has become a big business in Japan. Amazing, indeed.
First, I stepped in the hospital and totally shocked. Vaulted ceiling, huge windows, luxurious couches… it looked like a hotel lobby. Nurses were not wearing white robes, and the hospital admission desk looked like a hotel front reception. I took the elevator to the patient rooms and was surprised that each room had some fancy French name. The room had a queen size bed, couches & table, refrigerator, TV, deck… It really was like a deluxe hotel room. Meals were all prepared professionally at the premise. Babies were taken care of by doctors, midwives, and nurses. They got some memoir including photos, card with personal messages from the midwife, CD of the baby’s first cry…. 80% of the cost was covered by medical insurance, and the out of pocket fee was not much more than that of public hospital. Customer service was so impressive. A staff actually came to the room to settle, and three staff came to say good-bye and wish them good luck at the door… Tomoka has really been treated like a princess. She was so happy and said, “I want to come back here for another baby.”

When I gave birth to this Tomoka 32 years ago, on the other hand, it was at the house of a midwife named Mrs. Mimori. She was at the time a person of controversy. She believed in “natural birth”. Since there was another woman giving birth at almost the same time as me, I was in a tatami-room working on my breathing “hee, hee, hoooo” As soon as the person finished her delivery, I went on the delivery table. After the baby birth, I was placed with four other mothers & babies with futon placed at the four corners of the tatami-room. Mrs. Mimori cooked for us her homemade meals… The whole thing was a completely different experience from Tomoka’s. I got to know this person, Mrs. Mimori, how she lived and what she believed. She taught me some valuable lessons. Being with other mothers was an interesting experience as well. We talked a lot about all kinds of things and saw different ways of being and interacting as a couple. However, it must have been very hard for Mrs. Mimori physically. She died some time after she delivered Ikkei at probably in her late 50s. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of her that she sacrificed her health in order to give babies the most natural way of starting their lives. I feel grateful that I met her. I really respect and admire her.

奏佑君。９月７日午前１０時２６分、２９６５グラム。　私はちょうどそのときハイウエイ９９をライオンズベイに向かってドライブ中。バンクーバーでは６日土曜日の夕方だった。

お産が始まったとき、弟の一敬がちょうどバンクーバーから知香の家に来ていてスミレの世話ができたみたい。入院中は夫のトモ君も休みが取れて、スミレも病院にお泊まりできて、退院の前日に私が東京に着いて。。。と完璧なタイミングでこの世にデビューしてくれたソーちゃん。はっきりした顔立ちでお口が大きくてなかなかハンサムよ。それにしてもちっちゃい。新生児ってこんなにちっちゃかったっけ、って思っちゃった。

それにしても日本のお産はもう産業だなあって思った。すごいビジネス。まず産院に入ってびっくり。吹き抜けの天井に大きな窓、素敵なソファが並び、まるでホテルのロビーのようなの。受付も病院の受付というより、ホテルのフロントという感じ。エレベーターで病室に行くと各個室には何やらファンシーなフランス語の名前がついてて、クイーンサイズのベッドに応接セットにテレビに冷蔵庫にテラスにと、本当にホテルみたいなの。お食事もちゃんとシェフが色々栄養価を考えて用意してくれて、赤ちゃんも至れり尽くせりで、記念撮影をしてくれて、助産婦さんのメッセージを書いたカードをくれて、赤ちゃんの産声のCDをくれて。。。それでも８０％は健康保険でカバーされるから自費は、市立病院などでお産するのとほとんど変わらないんだって。精算も全部職員がお部屋に来てくれて、帰りには玄関まで職員が３人も送ってくれて、とまるでプリンセス。すっかり気を良くした知香は「またここで産みたい」と。。。

私がその知香を産んだのは自然分娩の三森助産院、３２年前。三森さんのお宅の畳の部屋で「ヒッヒッフー」とラマーズ法の呼吸を必死でやって、同時進行してたお産の人が終わったらすぐ私が分娩台に上って。。。産まれたあとも、畳の部屋の４隅に布団を敷いて四人のお母さん＋赤ちゃんと同室。お食事も産婆さんの三森さんが手作りした家庭料理が出て。。。全然違うね。でもおかげで三森さんという人物の人柄とか生き方とかが私にとって強烈な印象となって残ったし、他のお母さん達と入院中に話したことや他の夫婦のあり方とかをみていろんなことを感じたことも確か。でも激務の三森さんは健康を害して多分５０代後半くらいで、一敬をとりあげてくださったすぐあとに亡くなられた。赤ちゃん達に素敵な人生のスタートを提供してくださって、いわばご自分の健康を犠牲にされたんだなあ、と今でも思うと涙が出る。感謝の気持ちでいっぱい。本当に尊敬する人物の一人です。


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Beginning 始まり始まり

Today is the beginning of the Fall semester.  Neil’s class will start at 8:30 this morning.  Yesterday he was writing an email message to everyone in the class.  He is a well-experienced professor, but even so, he apparently feels a bit nervous on the first day.  He was crafting his message carefully using positive words and expressions… and read it to me.  It was a very nice message.

Oh yeah… today, his new students will have the same experience as what I had on January 8, 1997.  It was my first day of his class.  I opened the classroom door with a mixed feeling of fear and hope.  I stepped in the room and stopped breathing for a second.  There was an extraordinarily tall person in the middle of the room.  “OMG, is he the professor?”  The class was very interesting, but very demanding.  I could not catch up in the discussion if I hadn’t done the work beforehand. However, if I had done the work, the class was amazingly interesting.  Time went by so quickly.

Yes, I can see…. this morning, his students will come to the classroom for the first time, and be surprised, then, will enjoy his unique jokes for four hours.  Hey, students, do you know that you are so lucky to be in his class?  Don’t forget to study the case before the class for the next three months!

今日から秋学期のはじまり。ニールの４時間授業も今朝８時半から始まる。きのうは一生懸命新しい生徒達にメールのメッセージを書いて送っていたニール。もうベテラン教授だけど、それでも年のはじまりはちょっぴり緊張するみたい。出来るだけポジティブな言葉で。。。と工夫をこらしてとても素敵なメッセージを書いてた。

そうか、今日生徒達は１９９７年の１月８日の私と同じ体験をするんだと思った。私は緊張と期待の入り交じった気持ちで教室のドアをあけた。一歩足を踏み入れてハッと息をのんだ。教室の真ん中に立つ異様に大きな人物、「え？この人が教授？」と思った。授業は面白かったけど厳しかった。ちゃんと予習をしていかないとついていけない授業。でも予習をしてあると信じられないくらい面白い。時間があっという間に過ぎた。

そうだな、今日生徒達はみんなまず「え？」と驚いて、ニールの独特のジョークに笑いながら初めての授業を受けるんだな。生徒達よ、あなた達はみんな本当にラッキーなんですよ。これから３ヶ月ちゃんと予習をするのよ。