Neil is 66 and has been retired for 2 years now. My children are in their 30’s working hard building up their careers. For me, the word “career” does not apply, since my work is so free and individualistic. I just watch. When I am watching, it gives me so much insight and perspectives from each one of you and makes me think.

When you retire and look back on your career, you realize how much you have learned over all those years. Often those learnings were earned in the hardest ways. Naturally, you want to pass them on especially to the young loved ones who are just starting. You don’t want all the wisdom you acquired to be lost and wasted.

However, do young ones really want to hear them? They might feel, oh it’s from last generation and therefore irrelevant, or you can always find better information online, or they might simply want to have their fresh start, do things their way. They might not want to be bothered with awkward suggestions, “just leave me alone!”

I don’t know if you are feeling that way…but even if you are, please graciously listen to Neil’s stories, put his wisdom somewhere in your head. One day, it might become helpful…or at least you might understand what he was saying.

Neil was an excellent researcher and wonderful educator. However as you know, he is super simple and ultra honest person, and he does not read air very well. He was not a politician and politics gave him so much pain. I could see that very well. It was hard for me to see him suffer in his career. However, he IS a deeply caring person. His struggles led him to take on the position of the faculty advisor for the university. He wholeheartedly helped for many many years those who were having difficulties in their careers. He dealt with all kinds of difficult cases. His knowledge is amazing. He was such a valuable person in the university.

Organizations are all so political, especially universities. They are terrible. One day, you are bound to face some enormous problem. When you do, I hope you remember that your stepfather is there for you, offering you some valuable ideas.

ニールは66才ですでに現役を退いた身。子供たちは30代でこれからキャリアを積んでバリバリ働く身。私はフリーな仕事がらキャリアという言葉は当てはまらないから横で気楽に観察している身。横から見ているとそれぞれがなにをどんな風に感じているのかがよくわかってちょっと複雑な気分になったりする。

リタイアすると今まで人生の大半を占めてきたキャリア生活を思い返して実に色々な教訓を得てきたことに気づく。そしてなんとかその教訓を若いこれからの人達に伝えたいって思うんだよね。そうしないと苦労して得た教訓が無駄に消えてしまうから。でもね、若い人たちはそう言う教訓を聞きたいって思ってるんだろうか？ 時代が違う、なんでもオンラインで調べられるからいい、フレッシュスタートで自分の思うようにやって見たいって思ってるかもしれない。お節介なお説教は聞きたくないって思うかもしれない。

たとえそうであっても、ありがたくニールの話を聞いてあげてほしい。頭のどこか隅っこにでもニールの教訓を置いといてあげてほしい。いつか役に立つことがあるかもしれないよ。

ニールは研究者、教育者としては優秀な教授だったんだけど、ど単純でバカ正直で独りよがりのところがあって政治的に立ち回ることができない人だった。横で見ていて彼の苦労がものすごくよくわかって心苦しかった。誤解されることが多いけどニールは心から思いやりの深い人なんだよ。自分の苦労を生かして役に立ちたい一心でファカルティーアドバザーのポジションについて、一生懸命、大勢の教授達の様々な問題を長年にわたって助けてきたんだよ。だから色々なケースをよく知ってる貴重な人なんだよ。

どんな組織でもそうだけど、特に大学は難しいところだよ。必ずいつかは岩にぶつかるからその時はどうか素直にニールの苦労話や教訓を聞いて参考にしてほしい。

We were always together….nobody questioned about it. But one day, somebody moved out for university, then somebody got married, then somebody moved for work…. before knowing, our family was forever changed….sad. 😢

Since I was divorced in a foreign country, my three little children and I were like a little cocoon, so close together all the time. I really miss those days…

My boy, Ikkei, got a job in Hawaii, and we decided to have a family reunion in Seattle. After all these years this was the first time all of us gathered together. We rented a house in Seattle for three days. Ikkei’s family drove from Pennsylvania, Tomoka and her kids flew from Tokyo, Rutsu and her baby drove from Lions Bay, of course Neil and I also drove from Lions Bay, and we all joined in Seattle. My three children are now 37 to 33, and our five grandchildren are from 9 years old to 10 months old.

It was crazy noisy, but such a joy. It was my life’s highlight!

It’s so true that the time never comes back. When we gather again, we will be all different. Some of us are aging, some are growing…. that makes the moment even more precious. I would treasure the memory for the rest of my life.

当たり前のように一緒に暮らして喧嘩したり笑ったりしていた家族が、進学、就職や結婚で、ある日一人抜け、二人抜け、気がついたら家族構成がすっかり変わってしまっている。。。寂しいな。特に私は異国で離婚して３人の子供たちとの４人暮らしで４人が一つのサナギのようにして暮らしてきたからかことさら寂しさを感じる。

今夏は長男の一敬が就職でハワイに移転することになったこともあり、初めて子供たちと孫たちと犬たちと猫が全員シアトルに集合して3日間を共に過ごすことになった。一敬たちはペンシルヴェニア州からドライブ、知香たちは東京から飛んで、瑠都たちと私たちはライオンズベイから、それぞれがシアトルに集合した。子供たちは37才から33才、孫たちは9才から10ヶ月。

気が狂いそうなくらいにぎやかだったけど、とっても楽しい3日間だった。私にとっては一生の思い出になるハイライトだったなあ。

本当に、この瞬間は2度と戻って来ない。次にまたみんなで会える時はみんな変わってしまっている。歳をとってたり、大きくなってたり。。。そう思うと、本当に貴重。大事な大事な宝物のような瞬間…

When I learned about Stella’s on-going struggles trying to retrieve her two children from Cameroon, I thought I should organize a fundraising concert for her. The timing was terrible for me, but I thought I must do it. I don’t know why, it was weird, but it was such a strong urge in myself, and I had to follow my intuition. I thought I would regret if I didn’t.

Timing could not be worse. It was already close to June. Summer generally is not a good time to plan concerts. People are often away for holidays. Moreover, I was having a nerve recking organ concert on June 8. I had no choice but to hold the fundraiser on the 16th. Having two different concerts on consecutive weekends is insane. When do you get to practice? How do you manage rehearsals? Super busy and super heavy pressure…. However, I had the feeling it would be alright and everything would be fine, and I trusted that. I contacted some performers, selected some effective music pieces for the program, created flyers, posted posters…. I just couldn’t handle all the pieces I wanted to play accompaniment for…so decided to ask my pianist friend K to help me.

Stella came to Canada 5 years ago with a nanny visa. Soon after she arrived she knocked on the door of the church I was working as the music director. It was about 8:30 on a Sunday morning. I was practicing for the day’s worship service. I remember that day vividly, because I was so surprised to see a visitor from Africa at the door so early in the morning. She introduced herself to Neil and me. She told us that she herself had children, ages 5 and 6, in Cameroon.

Her plan was to work in Canada for five years or so to obtain an immigrant visa, then bring her children to Canada. I was so impressed for her braveness and patience. It surely sounded like a long term project.

Her life in Canada for the next 5 years was not easy. Her employment was unstable and she was often not treated by her employers rightly. She was taken advantage of and lost her job a few times. Moreover, a war started in Cameroon and her children’s safety became a serious concern. Despite various challenges, her perseverance supported by her strong faith was absolutely amazing. If it was me, I would have given up long ago, and gone back to my own country.

So the concert was on June 16. The audience reaction was so encouraging. Many people looked deeply moved. Some people had tears in their eyes. The concert seemed to have successfully communicated some heartfelt “hope and love” to people.

Some people kindly bought tickets even they knew they weren’t coming. Many people made donations for her and some wrote cheques for amazing amounts of money (the largest one was for $5,000!!) 100% of all proceeds and donations went to Stella. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness.

The concert perhaps helped to create a sense of togetherness and purpose….in some sense like an old fashioned community we may have long forgotten. We all worked towards the happy, safe, and hopeful future of Stella and her children.

Thank you to the fellow musicians who shared their gifts for free.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the opportunity to utilize Your gift, giving me some intuition, and guiding me through.

ステラの連続する苦悩を聞いた時、本能的にファンドレイジングのコンサートをしようと思った。タイミングがこれ以上ないほど悪いんだけど今しなければ後でものすごく後悔すると思った。なんだか不思議なんだけどその時すご〜く強くそう思ったんだよね。自分に与えられた音楽の能力を誰かの役に立てるように使わなければ申し訳ないと思った。ただ、夏が迫っているので日にちがない。仕方なく私のオルガンのコンサートの1週間後にすることに決めた。二つの異なるコンサートをたて続けにするとなんて正気の沙汰ではない。忙しさもプレッシャーも倍になる。第一いつ練習するの？どうやってリハーサルの時間を作るの？でも何とかなる、上手くいくような気がした。演奏者に連絡を取って趣旨を理解してもらって、効果的なプログラムを組んで、チラシを作ってポスターを貼って…。でもどうしても伴奏の練習が間に合わなくてピアニストのお友達のKさんに手伝ってもらうことにした。

ステラは5年前にアフリカのカメルーンから子守(ナニー)のワークビザでカナダに来た。着いてすぐに彼女は私が当時音楽デイレクターをしていた教会の門を叩いた。日曜日の朝8:30ごろだった。ちょうど私はその日の礼拝のための練習をしていて突然のアフリカからの訪問者にビックリしたのでよく覚えている。聞けば彼女自身5歳と6歳の子供がいるという。永住権を取って子供達を呼び寄せたいと聞いて、気の遠くなるようなイバラの道と彼女の勇気に驚嘆した。それから5年間、彼女のカナダ生活も楽ではなかった。雇用主が何度も変わったり、当然であるべき人権が無視されたり、大変な試練ばかりだった。その上カメルーンでは戦争が始まり、子供たちの命も危うくなった。どんな試練に出会っても、どんなに心配で不安に押しつぶされそうになっても、しっかりとした信仰を持って忍耐強く努力を続ける彼女の姿は驚くばかり。私ならとっくに諦めて子供の元に帰っていただろうと思うのに…。

コンサートは6月16日に行われた。私が思うに何よりも聞いてくださったお客様の反応が素晴らしかったと思う。大勢の人が感動の面持ちで上気して目が潤んでいたように思う。当日都合が悪い方達も切符を買ってサポートしてくれたり、沢山の人が寄付してくれたり、驚くような高額の小切手を切ってくれた人がいたり、何と言って感謝したらよいのか…。心から嬉しかった。

コンサートの役割は音楽を通してみんなの心を一つにして何とかしてステラをいっしょに助けようという気持ちの高揚を作ったということなのかもしれない。何の報酬もなく一緒に演奏してくれた仲間に感謝。そして何よりも、私にこんな機会をくれて、直感をくれて、励ましガイドしくれた神さまに感謝。

On June 8, 2019, there was a RCCO members’ pipe organ recital at St. Mary’s Kerrisdale, and I played Mendelssohn’s organ sonata #6. I worked at it so hard hoping that I would play well and would be happy.

The reality was…..it went relatively well for the first 70% until a big accident happened. I had a person turning pages and pushing buttons to operate the general (pre-set registration) pistons for me. When I was at a very quiet place, by mistake, the loud pistons were pulled and I literally jumped. The unexpected loud sounds shocked me and my head went blank. At the same time I heard the other person uttering “oh shit!”

I didn’t know what to do.

I corrected the button myself, went back to the quiet part again, then carried on to the end. My heart was pounding like a storm, and my performance thereafter was messy. I just couldn’t focus.

OK, OK… accidents could happen. I have had so many accidents in my life of piano and organ playing. However, how could I lose focus after what happened? Why couldn’t I just keep my head calm and carry on? What a disappointment, I felt extremely angry for myself.

You know….I practiced so hard. I put so many hours into this piece for this concert. And this is the result. In fact, I am having this result over and over. Shouldn’t I give up my organ if I can’t even play a piece satisfactorily?

Looking at our front and back yards everyday full of weeds grown as high as my knees, I had been saying to myself, “well, never mind, I can do weeding as soon as my concert is over.”

Night after night, so exhausted but forcing myself to put on headphones and practicing one more hour, what did that do?

The sacrifice and efforts I made were all waste of time…why do I keep doing this? Indescribable anger rose inside me and exploded. I shouted. “I am going to quit organ!” Yes, I declared that to my teacher and colleagues and friends.

Two days later, I went to my Zen meditation class. During the meditation my teacher Hoben told us a story. He didn’t know what happened to me at the concert…..so it was truly amazing.

This is the summery of his talk.

When do we feel unhappy or unsatisfied? It is always when things didn’t go the way we wanted, when we didn’t get the results we wanted. The question is what do you do when that happens? Do you get angry, get emotional, shout, blame other people, or even hurt other people? Or….?

What’s important is how you live that moment. Just because you practice Zen meditation, it does not mean bad things don’t happen. External hazards, undesirable things fall on everybody equally. However, how do you live that moment when that happens? That’s where Zen meditation can make difference.

….shocked….he is talking about me…..

There is a story, Hoben continued.

A man died. He woke up in a beautiful field. He thought, “wow, what a beautiful place! My afterlife is not as bad as I thought! But I don’t have a place to sleep.” Then, instantly, a beautiful dream house appeared before him. He was ecstatic. Then he found himself to be hungry. As soon as he thought of foods, beautiful dishes appeared on the table with all his favorite foods. Everything was like that. He had everything he wanted the moment he thought of it.

One day, he met an elderly man on a walk and was asked, “so how do you like your afterlife?” He said, “fantastic. I love it. I wonder how it is like in hell…”

The elderly man said, “how do you know you are in heaven and not in hell?”

So….he was in hell. Having everything he wants, the way he wants, without any obstacles, is a life in hell.

Working with purpose, failing and trying and yet failing, is actually the real heaven – that’s what this story tells.

I was ashamed. What an arrogant attitude I had, getting angry, declaring I am quitting, just because I couldn’t play the way I wanted to play. At that moment, my gratitude for the gifts given to me had totally disappeared from my mind. I am fortunate to have music in my life, to have opportunities to learn and perform. How could I forget that?

How stupid, how pathetically stupid I was…..

6月8日はパイプオルガンのコンサート、オルガニスト協会のメンバーリサイタルだった。私はメンデルスゾーンのオルガンソナタの6番を弾いた。私なりに一生懸命練習して、今度こそは上手く弾けることを期待していた。小さな失敗はちょこちょこあったものの最初の70%はなんとか無事にいった…と思ったら突然驚くべきことが起こった。譜めくりとボタン押しをしてくれる人が間違えて、静かな音の必要な場所で大きな音のボタンを押してしまったのだ。突然鳴り響いた大音響！「オー、クソ！」というその人の吠え声！私は文字通り飛び上がった。何が起こったのか一瞬わからなかった。動揺して心臓がパクパク。もう一度静かなところからやり直して最後まで弾いたものの、散漫ながっかりする演奏になってしまった。

それからがいけない。もうこれだけ練習してこんな演奏しかできないなら何のためにこんなことを繰り返しているのか、と怒りの気持ちがこみ上げてきた。

毎日家に帰るたびに雑草ボーボーの庭を見ながら「ガマンガマン、コンサートが終わったら庭仕事ができるから…」と自分に言い聞かせていたのは何のためだったのか。疲れて寝てしまいたいときにもガマンガマンでヘッドホンをつけて練習したのは何のためだったのか。全てが全く時間の無駄だったじゃないか、もうこんなことやめてしまいたい、カ〜とそんな気持ちがこみ上げてきて、私もう辞めます、と先生にも先輩にも友達にも宣言してしまった。

さてさて2日後、いつもの座禅に出かけた。瞑想をしていると座禅の先生がふっとこんな話を始めた。先生は私のコンサートの出来事なんて何も知らないから不思議としか言いようがない。以下は先生のお話の要約。

私たちが不幸だと思うのは大体において、自分の思う通りに物事が進まなかったとき、自分が思い描いた結果が出なかったときだ。そのときに怒って怒鳴って感情的になってときには人を傷つけるのか…それとも…？つまりその瞬間をどう生きるのかが大切なんだ。座禅をしているからといって思うように事が進むわけではない、災いに合わないわけではない。災いは全ての人に同じように降りかかってくる。ただ、その時、その瞬間をどう生きるのか、それが違ってくる。

…ドキっとした。まるで昨日の私ではないか…

こんなたとえ話がある。ある人が亡くなった。その人はあの世で目を覚まし、美しい草原に驚いて、こんなに美しい所ならあの世も悪くないなあ、と思った。でも寝る家がないなあ、と思ったら途端に素晴らしい夢のような家が現れた。その家で暮らしていたら、お腹が空いて何か食べたいなあ、と思った。すると素晴らしいお料理、大好物ばかりがテーブルにさあっと並んだ。全てがその調子で何もかもが思う通りに、サーっと現れて快適な生活が続いた。あるとき散歩に出かけるとあるお爺さんに声をかけられた。

「どう？あの世での暮らしは？」

「素晴らしいです。これが天国なら地獄の暮らしはどんなものなんでしょうね。」

するとお爺さんは言った。「これが天国だとどうして思うの？」

つまりこの人は地獄の暮らしをしていたんだよね。なんでも簡単に努力もなしで自分の思う通りになる生活は地獄の生活なんだってこと…目的を持って努力をして失敗を重ねて…それこそが幸せなんだ…

改めて2日前の自分を心から恥じた。オルガンを弾く幸せも忘れて、もう辞めます、だなんて偉そうなことを言ってごめんなさい。自分の思う通りにいかなかったからといって怒り狂うとはなんとバカだったんだろう。

One morning in March, after a zen sitting at North Shore Zendo, I had an interesting conversation with two other women. One of them was talking about the 10 day retreat she participated last month at the monastery in Oregon.  According to her, since February is the month Buddha died, the Dharma talk (sermon) for the retreat was focused on death and dying.  What is death? It is the letting go of life, being free from living, departing from life, ending the will to live, bidding farewell to life….

Hmmm….

She said, the Dhama talk then diverged to “what is it to be living” and to “how should we live our lives”. 

Hmmmm…..

Going back to death, what does it mean to “let go of life” when you are not actually dying at this moment? Would that be like letting go of your past, ties, career, or relationship? Do not cling to your past, live your life now and move forward? 

She said she goes to this 10 day retreat at the monastery every year in February and Dharma talks are always very interesting.  

Sounds good…I thought…. I wish I was there….. 

Somehow, the three mature women’s chat of “letting go of life” has shifted to “letting go of stuff”.  There is a book written by a young Japanese woman that has become a bestseller in many countries including Canada. She talks about decision criteria of what stuff to keep and what to throw away.  She calls it “danshari” which literally means “letting go”.  She suggests that you hold a thing in your hand and listen to yourself. Do you feel delightful? If yes, put it in the “keep” pile, and if no, put it in the “throw” pile. OK…..  I agree that letting go of something can mean letting go of your past, but…. I don’t understand the part about “feeling delightful.”  I can’t see the relevance between not feeling delightful and therefore letting go of that object or that part of your life.  I felt a bit turned off by this argument……  I don’t think life is that simple.

For example, I have a box full of materials/resources for teaching Japanese, stored unopened for perhaps 25 years now.  These are the materials I created myself when I was teaching Japanese from 1989 to 1992. If you ask me if this box full of materials delights me, I have to say they don’t delight me any more.  Since I have long moved on to something else, and now into a different stage in life, I would probably never teach Japanese again.  However, the 3 years was an integral part of my life. It was a start of my new era. Because I taught Japanese for 3 years, I was able to meet many interesting people, made good friends, was led to some unexpected paths, and my life has opened up in the directions I have never imagined.  30 years later, here I am.  I am who I am, where I am, what I am, because of the three years. The box is perhaps a reminder of my gratitude.  I was certainly led, guided and protected by a Huge Love (God) throughout my life, and I am so grateful. So the box does not delight me, and no longer useful, but I just cannot throw it away.

“Letting go” is not the same as “getting rid”, or “throwing away”.  In the same way, “feeling gratitude” does not result in “holding onto your past”.  

Then, what should I do with my box?……I don’t know.

“That’s why your house is such full of stuff!”….I can hear somebody’s voice…..  

2月のある日、座禅に行ったあと、女性３人でおしゃべりに花が咲いた。一人がオレゴン州にある禅寺へ10日間の修行に行った話をしていた。2月は仏陀が亡くなられた月なので１０日間の修行中「死」についていろいろなお説教があったという。「死」とはつまり放すこと、解放すること、別れること。生きることから解放される、生きる意志を放す、人生とお別れすること。

うーむ、確かに。

もう少し、その考えを発展させて、過去の自分を手放すこと、過去の人生にしがみつかないこと、過去を整理して前向きに生きて行くこと、につなげていくという内容だったという。

私もききたかったな。。。と思ったのもつかの間、熟女３人のおしゃべりはそれからなぜか「だからものを整理する、ものを捨てる」という方向に発展していった。カナダでも結構話題になってる「断捨離」とかミニマリストという言葉。いかにしてものを捨てるか、ものを手にとってみて、ときめくか、ときめかないかで、捨てるかキープするかを決める片付け法だという。捨てるということは過去の自分と決別するということにつながるという考えはわかるんだけど、『ときめく』とか『ときめかない』とか言われるとなんだか、しら～っとしてしまう。そんな単純なことじゃあないよって思う。

ダンボール箱いっぱいの日本語の教材がもう25年も手付かずでしまってある。私が日本語を教えていた89年から92年ごろの３年間ほど一生懸命自分で手作りした教材だ。ときめくかと聞かれたら、もうときめかないとしか言いようがない。もう多分２度と日本語を教えることはないだろう。でもこの3年間があったからこそ、カナダで友人関係を広げて次の段階に進むことができて、そこから思いもかけない方向に人生が向かっていって今の私がいる。私のことを神様が見守ってくれて導いてくれたことを思い出させてくれる証しのような存在。感謝の印。ときめかないし、もう２度と私にとっては役に立たないものかもしれないけど、とてもとても捨てられない。

過去を手放すってことは過去を捨てるってこととは違う。過去に感謝するってことは過去にしがみついているってことでもない。

じゃあそのダンボールをどうすればいいのか？。。。わからない。

そんなことを言ってるから家の中がガラクタだらけになるんだよ、と誰かから叱責されそう。。。

So, apparently our brain, when we hit age 60, deteriorates twice as fast as before. Wow, that’s so scary. Neil and I decided to challenge something new to stimulate our brains, and one idea was camping. We live in such a beautiful land, we should enjoy this grand North American nature and share our joy with our beloved dogs. So we bought an used Toyota Tacoma, then bought a collapsible camper that goes on top of the truck. Our dream came true when we headed out on September 4 for a relaxing, spontaneous, no set itinerary trip toward Saskatchewan.

The first 8 days, Neil and I, Kafka, and Lulu enjoyed and appreciated camping in the settings of beautiful mountains, lakes, and big 360 degrees prairie skies. At the same time I did not enjoy, did not appreciate realizing how much my brain has been already deteriorating! You know, it’s a camper, such a small space. I don’t understand how things go missing so frequently in that tiny space!!

I had to make a big cry that my iPhone went missing 3 times in 8 days!!! When I finally found my iPhone the third time, my activity tracker which I just bought before the trip, which had been on my wrist the whole time, had somehow disappeared from my wrist, for good. Why? Where did it go?

Things I’ve done, then forgot that I’ve done already…I found myself doing the same things over and over…. I swear I organized and put away everything where it was supposed to be, but then how come I am endlessly searching for them??

Is it because I am too used to living in a more spacious place and not using my creative mind to organize differently in such a tiny space? Am I getting too old to do multi-tasking? That’s for sure. When something distracts me while I’m doing something, I immediately forget what I was doing and things constantly end up being unfinished…. I am certainly getting forgetful…. scary….

When I was complaining bitterly about my brain, all of a sudden, Neil’s knee stopped working. He had a knee injury 18 years ago and that left a tiny bone chip floating in his knee joint. The bone chip somehow got stuck in his joint and gave him excruciating pain. Suddenly he cannot walk. So that means…no more camping. This happened in Regina and we decided to head home which is 2000 km away, hopping motels.

So much for that….when we arrived in Okanagan area, we had a serious problem. All the hotels and motels that allow two dogs were fully booked. We had no choice but to resume our camping. Luckily Neil’s knee was getting better everyday. So we were successful in camping another 2 nights, and finally came back home safely. We drove as far as Regina in Saskatchewan, total of 14 days trip.

Yes, indeed, our brain and body are deteriorating twice the speed as before. What could happen next….?

60代になると今までの倍の速さで頭の老化が進むから常に何か新しいことに挑戦しなければ呆けるよと誰かにおどかされ、それは大変と最近始めたのがキャンプだ。前からニールも私も素晴らしい北米の大自然をキャンプ旅行で堪能したい、愛犬達も共に連れて行きたい、と話していたから自然な成り行きだった。まずピックアップトラック(トヨタのタコマ)を中古で購入、上に乗せるキャンパーを注文して今夏初めて気ままな旅行が実現した。

9月4日に出発して8日間。ニールと私、カフカとルル、二人と二匹の旅。素晴らしい自然を堪能しながら、いやはや頭の老化をも堪能する8日間だった。キャンパーなんて小さな空間なのに、何故か常に物がなくなるのだ。

8日間の間に3回も私のiPhoneがなくなったと大騒ぎをした。やっと見つかったと思ったら今度は私の腕から買ったばかりのアクテイヴィテイトラッカーがいつのまにか消えていた。どうしてなの？ やったことを忘れて同じことをなんどもやってしまう。ちゃんと片付けたつもりなのにあるべき所に物がない。

普段スペーシャスな空間で生活するのに慣れてしまっていて急に小さな空間で生活するとなると違った整理の工夫をしなければならないからなのか。老化のせいでマルチタスクができなくなってきているせいなのか。何かをやっている途中で横槍が入るともう何をやってたのか忘れている。物忘れは確実にひどくなってきている。それにしても。。。なんとも情けない…

と嘆いていると何気ない拍子にニールの膝が痛んで歩けなくなってしまった。昔々に膝関節を脱臼した時の骨片が関節のどこかで挟まってしまったためだ。これで私達のキャンプ旅行も一旦休止。帰り道はモーテルに泊まりながら2000キロの道のりを行く。

と思ったらオカナガンに着いたところで問題発生。ペットオーケーのモーテルがどこも満杯なのだ。仕方なくおっかなびっくりキャンプを再開する。幸いなことにニールの膝は日々回復に向かい2日間のキャンプに成功。無事帰宅することができた。14日間の旅でサスカチュワン州のリジャイナまで行って帰った旅行だった。

しかし、いやはや頭も体も確かに倍の速さで老化は進んでいる。これからどうなっていくのやら…

In between mainland Vancouver and Vancouver Island, there are many beautiful islands. Amongst them Texada Island is the largest one. It is big, but most of the island is crown land covered by deep forests. People reside in small areas in the northeastern and western parts of the island. The total population is about 1000 people.

The first time we ever visited this island was when we came to see our acquaintance John who lived and worked on the island as post master. We camped at the Shelter Point Park, a beautiful camp ground on the west side of the island. If I remember it right, it was the summer of 2004. Taking three ferries from Vancouver, I was excited to have arrived at such a remote place; surprised to see so many deer everywhere; amazed how quiet and peaceful it was. The nights were ink dark and the big sky was filled packed by an infinite number of stars.

When I was a child, my grandma took me to her hometown called Urushiyama in Hyogo prefecture of Japan. There was a huge black cow which did all the hard work in the fields of the farm. I remember I was so scared of it. I used to run as fast as I could with my eyes shut to the other side of the cow hut. Walking to the field with my grandma and picking a ripe big watermelon, then kicking and rolling it gently all the way to the house is also a precious memory from my childhood….. I don’t know why, but there is something on Texada Island that brings me back those memories. Although Texada is not anything like rural Japan….

After camping two nights Neil and I sat on a bench overlooking Pacific Ocean, listening to birds singing, sinking ourselves in the blues of sky and water, we talked about having our cottage on this magical island.

And it’s been 14 years. We have been coming to Texada Island a few times a year. Vancouver’s last 14 years was amazing. It experienced enormous change like a raging wave, at least that’s how I feel. Ballooning population and subsequent traffic volume and noise increase, surging real estate values…. Our personal life has changed dramatically as well. My career change, our move to Lions Bay, becoming empty nesters, birth of our grandchildren, and our retirement…. Compared to that, the change at Texada Island was gentle. So many deer as always, friendly islanders, and perhaps more tourist visitors….an effect of social network media? Our then acquaintances, John and Susan, became our Texada family. In 14 years most of us, except John, added few pounds and white stuff on our heads, but people’s smiles, as always, are still making me happy.

Right after we built our cottage, I brought back a little willow volunteer shoot from my parents’ house in Tokyo. The willow was something my mother loved so much. I planted it at the trellis in front of the cottage 13 years ago. For all these years it was barely alive, never grew, and I thought it would die any time. I had almost given up, thinking it just couldn’t adopt to the new climate. Surprisingly this year, I found it grew about a meter bigger just ready to climb up the trellis. Wow….I wished I could show it to my mother. Sad that she has passed on 6 years ago….May her wisteria keep growing and give us joy of beautiful flowers some time soon….

バンクーバーのあるアメリカ大陸と州都ビクトリアのあるバンクーバー島の間にはたくさんの美しい島がある。中でも一番大きい島がタクセーダ島だ。大きいといっても殆どが国有地で森林地帯、人が住んでいるのはごくわずかな北東部と西端に限られる。人口は1000人くらい。

ここに知人のジョンを訪ねてキャンプしに来たのが始まりだった。ジョンはこの島の郵便局長さんだ。確か私の記憶が正しければ2004年の夏だったと思う。フェリーを3回も乗り継いでなんとも言えない辺ぴな所に来たと思った。でも鹿が驚くほど沢山いて、静寂、平和そのもの、真っ暗な闇の中に見たこともないくらい星がぎっしり詰まった大空に感動した。

子供の頃、明石のおばあちゃんが実家の漆山というところに連れていってくれた。おばあちゃんの実家には農作業で大事な役割を果たす大きな牛がいた。怖くて牛舎の前を通るときはドキドキして目を固くつむって全速力で走り抜けたのを思い出す。おばあちゃんと一緒に肥えの匂いのする畑に行って大きくて熟れたスイカを足で転がしながら家まで歩いたことも大事な思い出だ。なんとなくそんな私の田舎体験を彷彿させてくれる雰囲気がタクセーダ島にはある。日本の田舎とは似ても似つかぬカナダなのに…

キャンプで2泊した後、海の見えるベンチに座って小鳥の合唱を聞きながら、真っ青な海の静けさに身を沈めながら、この島に私達のコテージを建てようと話し合った。

それからもはや14年。毎年、年に数回は来て癒しに浸る島。14年の間にはバンクーバーでは怒濤のような変化があった。人口も交通量も増え、不動産の価値は数倍にも上昇した。転職、引っ越し、リタイア、子供達の巣立ち、孫たちの誕生と私達の生活もずいぶん変わった。それに比べるとタクセーダ島の変化はゆるやかだ。ジョンとスーザンも知人からタクセーダのファミリーになった。相変わらず沢山いる鹿、親切な人々、ソーシャルネットワークのせいか観光客が若干増えたような気がするけど、白髪の増えた知人たちの笑顔が変わらず嬉しい。

コテージを建ててすぐに、東京の実家の庭に生えていた藤の苗を持って来て庭に植えた。亡き母が丹念に育てていた藤だ。13年もの間、かろうじて生きてはいるものの全然育たなくて今にも消えてしまいそうだったその藤が、何を思ったのか14年目にして１メートル以上も急に伸びて柱に巻きつくばかりに育っていて驚いた。気候が合わないからダメなんだろうとあきらめていたのに。母に報告したら喜んでくれただろうに…とふと思って悲しくなった。どうかこのまま大きくなって花を咲かせてくれるといいな。

It’s been 2 years since our dear Kuma passed away. I was thinking for a while that this summer would probably be a good time for welcoming our second dog who would be Kafka’s little sister. I found Lulu (originally Luro) on Facebook. She was an abandoned dog rescued in Taiwan, looking to be adopted. After contacting the rescue association and being scrutinized for suitability, I was finally told her arrival date and time. Neil and I went to pick her up at the Vancouver International Airport. There were three other dogs of similar circumstances arriving from Taiwan on the same flight. After a long long journey from southern Taiwan, Lulu finally arrived at our home. She is a relatively small cute-faced Formosan Mountain mutt dog mutt. Having been a street dog in Taiwan, she reminds me of stray dogs I used to see all the time when I was growing up on streets of towns and villages in Japan. When I think of it, I never see those mutt stray dogs on streets any more. Where did they all go? They must have been captured and destroyed….?

Lulu is extremely timid. She is scared of everything. Strangely she was scared of stairs in the house. She was puzzled and frozen, no going up or down, so that means, no going out the door or following me to the bedroom. I had to carry her in my arms every time I wanted her to use the stairs. Inconveniently, she was/still is always frightened to be carried….. so what can I do? However, on the third day, she decided to try, got her courage up, tried to put her foot on the first step. And…. she found how easy it was. I could see she gained a big confidence. In no time, she was running up and down like a bird, faster than anybody else, skipping over 2-3 steps at a time.

Then, another hurdle was getting in and out the car when going for walking. She was super frightened to jump in and out the car. One day, Kafka jumped off like he always does, and Lulu just followed him without thinking. Wow! She was surprised at herself!! And so was I. Then, it just became a routine and she is like a deer now. She is scared of men, especially when they are running or holding something long. She would cry and freeze. She might have had some fearful experience like being chased by somebody with a stick…. However, by the third week, she seems to have overcame that fear. She will not get frozen, at least, while walking. She is still fearful of strangers, especially men, though.

Lulu is with us for three weeks now. The girl who was too scared to eat anything when somebody was near her, now begs Neil for more food. The girl who was so scared of the big and tall Neil, now runs to him when called. She now sleeps her belly up, so relaxed. She loves long walks, not scared of walking unleashed any more… Although difficult at times, we are getting opportunities to practice our patience. One day at a time, little by little, she is becoming to be our baby girl…

クマが亡くなって２年、そろそろ２匹めの犬を迎えたいなと思っていた矢先、フェイスブックでルルを見つけた。台湾で保護された捨て犬で里親探しのページに載ってた雌犬だ。早速保護団体に連絡を取って審査を受け、ルルを迎えることになった。ルルが台湾から到着する日時を知らされ、飛行場に迎えに行く。その日は同じ飛行機で同じような境遇の３匹の犬が到着。長い長い空の旅を経てルルは台湾南部から我が家にやってきた。可愛い顔をした小さな犬だ。台湾のストリートドッグで昔々私が子供の頃日本の街角にもよくいた雑種の捨て犬に似ていなくもない。もう日本に行ってもそんな雑種の捨て犬なんてどこにもいないように思う。日本の雑種はどうしちゃったんだろう。みんな捕獲されて殺されちゃったのかな。

ルルは大変な怖がりだ。何を見ても何の音を聞いても怯えている。まず、家の階段が怖くて外にも出られないし、寝室にもいけない。いちいち私が抱っこで運ぶ羽目に。抱っこされるのも怖いからどうしようもない。でも3日目頃から恐る恐る階段の上り下りを自分から試してみるようになった。すると、みるみるうちに自信をつけてあっという間にまるで鳥が飛ぶように２−３段飛ばしで登ったり降りたりするようになった。

次は車の乗り降り。そして散歩。おっかなびっくりで車に乗るのも降りるのも怖がってたルル。ある日いつものようにぴょんと飛び降りたカフカに続いて、何気なくつられて飛び降りたルル、ルル自身もそして私もびっくり。あれ？それからはなんの躊躇もなく鹿のようにスイっと飛び降り飛び乗る。男の人が怖い。特に走っている人、長いものを持っている人が怖くて時には悲鳴をあげて凍ってしまう。よほど怖い思いをしたことがあるのかな。棒を持ってる誰かに走って追いかけられたとか。。でも３週間目くらいから、散歩中に凍ることはなくなった。知らない男の人はまだ怖いけど。

３週間がたとうとしている今、怖くてご飯も食べれなかったルルがご飯を催促するようになり、怖かったニールにも呼ばれると走って行くようになり、お腹を出してひっくり返って無防備に寝るようになり、お散歩大好き、繋がれていなくても平気になり、すっかりうちの子供になりつつある。まだまだ大変なこともあるけど、ガマンガマン、1日1日一歩ずつ進歩してうちの子になりつつあるルル。愛おしい可愛い子！

Even when a person appears to have a life of perfectly smooth sailing, I bet s/he is facing all kinds of problems and struggles, just not visible from outside…

You are all grown up, have your own lives and responsibilities, and of course, issues.  I want to help you if I can, but often I can’t.  It seems that I can only watch and just have faith in you.

However, I wanted to tell you that I, too, had similar issues in my life.  Somehow I overcame them and moved forward, but life was certainly not easy. I often felt overwhelmed, had lots of tears, fears and worries.  Often I was not proud of myself.  I made lots of mistakes.

My serious issues included relationship, work, financial matters, etc….

Let’s just take one example….relationship….

I, too, wanted desperately to find the right person that I could love and be loved, share my life and build a happy family.

I once thought I found that person, only to find a few months later that he was cheating on me.  It was such a terrible shock for me.  I cried my eyes out for many days.

A sincere honest man, economically sound, who would become a perfect husband and an excellent father, wanted to marry me.  I felt honoured and almost married him.  He lived in California and I couldn’t bring myself to drop everything and move there.  I didn’t have the courage.  I didn’t love him enough to do that.  I know I hurt him terribly, and I am so sorry about that.

I ended up marrying your father who was very eager to marry me. I wasn’t really sure if I loved him, but I married him anyway, and ended up regretting it very quickly.

There were, of course, good happy days in the marriage.  I was blessed with three lovely children and such caring wonderful parents-in-law and cool sister-in-law.  However, your father and I were just not compatible.  We could not understand each other.  We fought a lot, had too much verbal violence.  I had many sleepless nights feeling sad, lonely, and so angry.  At times, my stomach gave me sharp pain as if being pierced or squeezed.  I thought I would become sick.

One day, when I was about 32, I met an American couple. Those days I was teaching Japanese language to foreign expatriates in Tokyo, and he was one of my clients.  He was the president of a prominent US firm in Tokyo. Since he asked me to teach his wife as well, I went to his home and knocked on the door. A dark haired, tanned skin, middle-aged, obviously Mexican woman opened the door.  I thought, for a moment, that she might be a house keeper, but actually, she was his wife.  There were five children in the house, all Mexican children.  She told me that the children were all from her previous marriage.  She was working as a waitress at a diner in a small town in the United States.  He used to come to eat there, and they fell in love.  When he got the job in Tokyo, he asked her to marry him. That meant moving to Tokyo with all her five children and starting a new life.  The children were all nice, cheerful, and well mannered kids. They all went to a private international school in Tokyo.

From then on, I spent a couple of hours every week with the woman and her five children.  Every time I was there, I felt my heart shaking.  For me in those days, it was unbelievable that a man would even consider marrying a woman of different culture and raise so many children none of them his own. I couldn’t believe such a man existed.  I was totally thrown into a different world.  They certainly had open, out-of-the-box ideas and attitudes towards life, and they were truly inspiring. “Why can’t I change my life?” I desperately wanted to become happier. I wanted a loving relationship.  I wanted a happy family for myself and my three little children.  “Why can’t I change my life?”

So, thinking back, that was the first message I got via this couple from God, or universe or however you want to call.  It was a seed planted in me, and little by little it grew.

Divorce is difficult and hurtful.  It’s injurious to everybody involved, children, parents, extended families, friends…. However, it is true that you could learn a lot from the experience and grow as a person. You would certainly become stronger, more sensitive and empathetic.

There is always an end to everything, when a baby is born, s/he is destined to die some day, when there is an encounter, no matter what, one day there will be a farewell…..My first marriage ended, but because of that, there was a new beginning and I was able to become happy.  I guess the lesson for me was that “you are the only person who can make yourself happy”.  If you want to change your life, you have to find your own way.  You have to listen to your inner voice. You have to know that sometimes somebody might bring an important message to you.  It could be a life-changing message, like the one I received from the American couple.  Open your eyes, ears, and heart, so you can hear it…..

人間って生きていくうちには色々なことがある、というのは誰もがわかってる周知の事実。どんなに順風満帆に見える人でも外からは見えない色々な葛藤があるのは確かだ。

私なりに精一杯子育てをしたつもり、それぞれ独り立ちしてそれぞれの人生を歩み、責任ある大人に育っている子供達。でもそれぞれが大きな課題を抱えて悩み苦しんでいるのがわかる。わかっていても見守ってあげることしかできないのが切ない。

私も同じようなことで悩んできたんだけど、私の選んだ道は必ずしも子供達に当てはまる道ではない。それに、できることなら、私が経験したような辛酸は子供達には舐めさせたくない。

でも考えてみれば３人が経験している悩みは、全て私の人生上でも味わった悩みなんだよね。

例えば。。。

1日でも早く愛する人とめぐりあって幸せな家庭を築きたい。。。

私もそう思った時期があるよ。この人こそ運命の人だって思ったら、数ヶ月後にとんでもない裏切り者だったってことを思い知ったこともあった。その時はショックで何日も泣きあかした。

誠実で経済力もあり、良い夫、良い父親になってくれるだろうと思った人もいたけど、私は本当にこの人を愛してるんだろうかと疑問が湧き、どうしても決心がつかなくて見送ったこともあった。その人はカリフォルニアに住んでいて、結婚するということは日本を後にするということで、そこまでする勇気がなかった。その時は相手の人をひどく傷つけてしまった。

もう疲れて半ばやけっぱちだったのだろうか、自分が愛しているのかどうかはわからなかったけど、とにかく強引に求婚してくれた人と、結局は結婚してしまった。すぐに後悔することになったんだけど。

かわいい子供が３人もできてそれなりに幸せな時期もあったけど、夫とはどうしても性格が合わなかった。

言葉による暴力、侮辱、無視　。。。悔しくて、寂しくて、悲しくて、キリキリと腹が立って、辛くて眠れない夜が本当にたくさんあった。病気になりそうだった。

そうやって悩んでいるときに、東京で、あるアメリカ人の夫婦と出会ってびっくりした。私は当時、日本語教師をしていた。あるアメリカの大企業に出張教授に行って社長を務めるアメリカ人に日本語を教えていると、ぜひ奥さんにも教えてくれないかと頼まれ、お宅に伺うことになった。ドアを開けてくれたのは中年の黒髪、褐色肌のメキシコ人女性。一瞬、お手伝いさんかな？と思ったけど奥さんだった。子供が５人もいた。子供はみんなメキシコ人、聞けば全員、前夫の子供だという。二人はアメリカの小さな町の食堂で知り合ったという。奥さんはそこでウエイトレスを務めていて、彼が彼女を見初めてレストランに通い詰めたそうだ。結局、結婚にこぎつけ、子供を全員引き取って日本に連れてきたそうだ。全員、授業料の高額なインターナショナルスクールに通い、私にも明るく挨拶してくれたものだ。

私は幸せな家庭を築いている二人＋５人の家族と毎週共にすごしながら、ものすごく心が揺れ動いた。こんな男性もいるのかと思って心底驚いた。人生に対する考え方、態度もとてもオープンで自然で、まるで別世界に放り込まれたような気がした。目からウロコが落ちるようだった。子供がいるからやり直せないってことはないんじゃないか。もしかしたら３人の子持ちの私でも幸せになれるんじゃないか。私も幸せになりたい。そう強く思った。

それが最初の一歩だったのかもしれない。それからすぐに離婚したわけではないけど、そんな思いが連なってくすぶって膨らんでいったことは確かかもしれない。

結婚するのは比較的楽だけど、離婚するのはその１０倍も辛い。ものすごく傷つく。自分も相手も家族もみんな傷つく。でも傷ついたことで学んだこと成長したこともあったと思う。人の痛みが少しはわかるようになったかもしれない。

何事にでも終わりというものはあるんだよね。赤ちゃんが生まれれば、ある日必ず、死が訪れる。出会いがあれば必ず別れがある。私の最初の結婚は終わったけど、終わったからこそ新しいスタートがあった。再婚して幸せになれた。

結局私が学んだレッスンは「自分の幸せは自分で掴むんだ」ってことかな。自分の人生を変えられるのは自分だけ。心の声をよく聞いて自分に合ったやり方を見つける。自分の前に現れる人々はもしかしたら大切なメッセージをくれる人々かもしれない。人生が変わってしまうほどのメッセージ。。。アメリカ人のカップルが私にとってはそうだったように。だから心を全開にして、メッセージを聞き取れるように、どんな人からも状況からも学べるようにしておかなきゃね。

My very special friend, M is about 20 years older than me. She was one of the first people I met upon my arrival in Canada in 1990. She was a great teacher for me.  We became so close that she has been like my mentor or my big sister.

M had a serious operation recently and I went to see her at the hospital the day after.  A couple of people were already visiting her, filling the room with warm laughter.

When those people left, quickly the room turned still.  Lying back on the bed, M closed her eyes.

“Tired?” I asked.

“A little” she said.

I was sitting beside her watching her face.

M opened her eyes.

“It’s the same as many years ago, remember?” she said.

“I was lying down on bed in the hospital and you were sitting beside me just like that.”

I nodded. “Of course, I remember. Long time ago…. maybe 20 years?”

“You were crying, remember?”

I nodded again.

20 years ago, M had a lung failure.  She crossed over to the other side, and then was resuscitated.  She says that she was dreaming the whole time this was happening.  She remembers that in her dream I appeared to her and told her to come back.

So, when she came back to life, she was very worried that something terrible might have happened to me. She phoned me from the hospital bed.  I had had no idea that she was so sick….. ran to the hospital, and sat beside her.  At the time I was going through a difficult time myself, and when she asked me how I was doing, I couldn’t help my tears flowing down my cheeks.

20 years forward, I am once again sitting beside a bed in a hospital room watching M.  28 years went flashing in my mind.  How much love she has given me, how much has she encouraged me, and how precious is M to me.  Feeling overwhelmed by gratitude, I left the room praying.

At noon, I opened the door of a restaurant in Kitsilano. I was getting together for lunch with Y whom I have not seen for a long time, perhaps 20 years….

When I was working for an ESL school called Harbourside College, Y was one of the first students who came to this school from Japan.  When she first arrived, she was a little over 20 years old, a nervous looking, unsophisticated girl with no English what-so-ever. How she changed over time was like a miracle. She opened up little by little as she gained her confidence, like a beautiful flower opening its petals from a tightly closed green bud.  She became fluent in English in just a few years. Now she has come back to Vancouver, living with her Canadian husband, working in her dream job, and…. she says she has turned 45!!

We had a nice catching up, and when the time came to say good-bye, she said she would pay the bill.

“Oh no, how about going Dutch?”, I said, but she insisted.

She said, “Remember this? Remember that? There are so many things you have done for me and I’m so grateful. I work and earn money. Let me pay for this lunch.”

Oh my God, I felt really overwhelmed.  She has grown. And, I realized for the first time that I had been playing a role of a mentor for this young lady.

It’s interesting. Receiving and giving….  I had been given such big love from M and passing the love on to Y.  And, I had no idea about that…..

What a heartwarming day it was.

私には特別に近しいメンターとでも呼べるような２０歳くらい年上の友人がいる。カナダに来て最初に出会った友人でもう２８年近い付き合いだ。

その彼女が年末に癌の手術を受けた。手術の翌日、病室に見舞いに行くと、そこには先着の見舞客がいて、明るい笑い声が室内に渦巻いていた。しばらくして見舞客が去ると病室は急速にしんとなった。

「疲れた？」と聞くと「少し」という。

私は彼女の横に座って黙って彼女を見つめていた。

Mさんは目を開けると、「もう何年も前にこれと同じことがあったのよ。覚えてる？」という。

「私がこうして病院のベッドに横たわっててあなたがこうして横に座って。」

「もちろん覚えてるよ。もう何年前だろう。。。２０年くらいたつのかな。」

「あなたは私のベッドの横で話しながら涙を流したのよ。」「うん、覚えてる。。」

Mさんは２０年前のその時、呼吸不全で生死の境をさまよっていて、生還したばかりだった。

死の瀬戸際にいた時、彼女は夢を見ていて、この私が夢に現れて彼女を生に呼び戻したんだという。だから目覚めた時、私に何か異変があったのかもしれないと心配して、病室から電話をくれた。そこで私は初めて彼女の入院を知って駆けつけたわけだ。その頃の私は、精神的に苦しい毎日を過ごしていた。だから「どうしてるの？」と聞かれて思わず涙が溢れ出て頬を濡らした。

そんなことを思い出しながらしばらく座って語り合って、私は重い気持ちを抱えたまま病室を出た。Mさん、どうか1日も早く元気になって。

彼女の存在に今まで私はどれだけ助けられ励まされてきたことか。感謝の気持ちでいっぱいになる。

そのあと、キツイラノのとあるレストランで、やはり２０年くらい会っていないYさんと昼食を共にした。

Yさんは私が昔働いていた学校の、ほぼ最初の日本人留学生だった。カナダに到着した当初の彼女は、２０歳そこそこの、緊張してカチコチに固まった生徒だったのに、滞在中にどんどん花が開くように、自信をつけてめざましく成長した。その彼女ももう４５歳になったという。

ひとしきり、近況報告などを済まして、楽しくおしゃべりして、お勘定を払う時になって、彼女は「ここは私が」という。

「いいえ、割り勘にしよ」と私が言っても聞き入れない。

「あんなこともあったし、こんなこともあったし、私すごく感謝しているんです。だから私に払わせてください」という。

なんだかジンときてしまった。そうか、成長したんだ。。。知らない間に私が若い彼女のメンターのような役目を担ったのかな。。と思った。

人間って不思議。私がMさんから受け取った愛を知らず知らずのうちにYさんに受け渡している。

午前中はMさんを見舞って、午後はYさんと過ごして、なんと心温まる1日だったことだろう。