BOM BOM BOM BOM KABOOM ‼️💥

OMG What happened!! Rutsu jumped out of the basement. I ran down the stairs. Oh no. I knew it! I knew something would happen. It was too good of a deal….And….. it did.

“Oh Sxxx! Fxxx!” Swears Neil.

I’ve been married to Neil for 20 years now. Yesterday, for the very first time, he said to me that he will help me with vacuuming today. “What?” “Really?” Half unsure, half skeptical, I handed over the vacuum cleaner to him.

So, the enormous sound….what has fallen down the stairs was not Neil, blessedly. It was our expensive vacuum cleaner. It fell all the way down from the top of the wooden stairs. We bought this one 9 years ago. It’s a German made, high quality, but incredibly heavy machine. Every time I use it, I feel like my hip would go twisted. It was alright, I could manage it 9 years ago. But now….it’s getting too heavy for an old woman over 60. So, my friend has been helping me with vacuuming every 2 weeks for the last few years in exchange for some cash.

Of course, after the Covid-19 pandemic, this had to be stopped. Now, it’s me who has to vacuum every 2 weeks whipping my pain-dreaded back and hip.

Neil is incredibly clumsy. And, he is a giant. He is 6’9 tall, and weighs over 270 lb. When one is that big, apparently, it becomes easier to break bones, even with a minor pressure or twist. He needs to be extra careful not to be slipping and falling. Nevertheless, he has been struggling endlessly with his bad knees, back, ankle, hernia….the list goes on. Every time he has trouble, my daily life gets messed up. So, I have been overprotective of him and not been asking him, “would you do this?” Or “Would you do that?”

So this husband of mine got so concerned for my back, and offered to help me with vacuuming. Isn’t it amazing? “Are you sure? It’s really heavy….!” I reluctantly handed it over to him. But, what a heroic vacuum cleaner it is! Of course, it’s German, expected to be a tough one! There was not even a scratch and it kept on going for another 3 hours!

Whew….

So grateful to have a clean house again. So grateful that Neil did not fall down the stairs. So grateful for Neil’s warm caring for me. The pandemic reminded me of some wonderful gratitudes. Thank you! 🙏😊

ガラガラガラガッチャーン‼️💥

すごい音がした。ルツが驚いて飛び出してきた。私も「あっちゃー。やってくれた〜」と階下に走り降りた。何かが絶対起こるような気がしてた。やっぱり…現実になった。

Oh Sxxxx! Fxxx! を連発するニール。

ニールと結婚して20年、初めてニールが「僕がバキュームするよ」と言ってくれて「ええ？ホントに？」と半ば信じられない思いでためらいながら掃除機を渡した昨日の出来事だった。

先ほどのすごい音は、9年前に購入したドイツ製の高価な掃除機が階段の上から下まで転げ落ちた音だった。この掃除機はえらく高性能なんだけど、ものすごく重いのがたまに傷。私には重すぎて掃除機を使うたびに腰がひん曲がりそうになる。9年前にはまだ良かったけど、もう60を超えたご老体にはかなり堪える。で、ここ数年来、友人に来てもらっていくばくかの報酬を差し上げて、２週間に一度バキュームしてをもらっていた。

それがご存知のようにコロナのパンデミックで来てもらえなくなった。仕方なく２週間ごとに私が痛い腰に鞭打ちつつバキュームする羽目に…

ニールは注意力散漫で驚くべきドジである上に、巨人だ。身長が2メートル７センチもありゆうに130キロを超える体重を抱える。ここまで巨体だとちょっとした転倒で骨が折れるし、常に、背骨だ腰だ膝だ脱腸だ…とそれゆえのトラブルはあとをたたない。その度に私の生活がかき回されるので、どうしても過保護に扱いがちになり、あれやってくれる？これやってくれる？と頼むことが少なくなってた。

そのニールが私の腰を気づかってバキュームしてくれると言う。「重いよ〜　大丈夫？」と言いながら渡した掃除機。階段から落ちたもののさすがのドイツ製、びくともせず、3時間の掃除に耐えてくれた。

ホッ

家の中がきれいになってくれて感謝。落ちたのがニールでなかったことに感謝。ニールの優しい思いやりに感謝。パンデミックで家にいるしかない今でこその貴重な経験だね。ありがとう。

I live in Canada. Whenever there is an opportunity to learn something in Japanese, I try hard to attend.

It was 2-3 years ago. Sadly I don’t remember what the title of the event was, or who the instructor was, but I went to an interesting presentation that made me think.

The talk was about ‘Ma’(間). ‘Ma’ is a tricky Japanese word, hard to translate exactly right into English. It sort of means ‘empty space’ or ‘space of nothingness’. The lecturer drew three circles like below to explain why ‘Ma’ is important.

She said, the characters for ‘Human being’ are 人間, ‘Time’ are 時間, and ‘Space’ are 空間. You can see that there is a common character in these three words. That is 間 which can be read ‘Ma’. Human being, time, and space are the key factors connected by empty space ‘Ma’. She said, when ‘Ma’ from these three factors meet, there is an encounter, and encounter brings opportunity. For example, when you encounter someone, the two people both have to be in an open mindset. If you are preoccupied with some intense thoughts, you might not notice the other person. And, the two persons have to be at the right place at the right time. When you are there a few minutes later or earlier, you might not meet that person. If two persons were separate from each other by a few meters, they might not encounter. So human beings, time, and space have to be just right for the encounter to happen and to bring opportunities.

So why is Ma so important?

Ma, according to this instructor is a space where there is no obstruction. it is important because that is where ‘Ki’ flows. Ki is a Japanese word for energy or Qi in Chinese. When Ma is stuffed, lost, stuck, or too full, Ki can not flow smoothly. Clear space is necessary because that is where energy flows. If energy cannot flow, there would be no encounter, thus no opportunity.

Hmm hmm…. the instructor continued….so try to have clear space in your heart and let your energy flow, try to have flexibility in your schedule so you are not tied down to minutes and seconds, and try to get rid of unnecessary unwanted stuff from your home and make a clean open space, so your energy can flow….. my brain stopped at that moment.

I raised my hand and asked her. “What if I don’t have anything I can get rid of? I have tons of unnecessary things or things I don’t particularly love, but they were passed down from our parents and they bring so many memories…. I can not get rid of them.”

Then this cool woman instructor said, “well, then you do Ha Hu Ki!” “What? I’ve never heard of such a word!” She smiled and said, “Ha is short for Haku (sweep), Hu is short for Huku (wipe), and Ki is short for Kiyomeru (purify). This is a Japanese ancient wisdom.”

Wow…I see…really?…. I came back home with so much reflection. I tried. I swept and wiped my stuff-filled house. I have to say….I was truly surprised how different I felt. I could feel that the energy inside the house has shifted. She was right! Sweeping and wiping did purify the house! Positive energy is now flowing in the house and I was so happy.

So ever since, I try every morning, sweep and wipe, whispering the word to myself “Ha Hu Ki” over and over.

外国に住んでいると、日本語で学ぶことが懐かしくて講習の機会があるごとに、何とか都合をつけて行けるようにしようとがんばってしまう。

2ー3年前に聴いた講習、何とも悲しいことに何の講習だったのか講師は誰だったのか全く覚えてないんだけど、変に共感して大いに反省したことだけ覚えている。

それは『間(ま)』についてだった。『間』がいかに大切かということをこんな図を描いて説明してくれた。

人間という言葉は人と間と書く。時間という言葉は時と間と書く。そして空間という言葉は空と間と書く。この三つの間が重なり合ったところに『出会い』が生まれる。人間が違ってもあダメ、時が遅すぎても早すぎてもダメ、場所が少しでもずれていてもこの『出会い』は訪れない。そして『出会い』が『機会』を呼んでくれる…

ではこの『間』って何だろう。なぜ『間』が大切なんだろう。この講師によると『間』とは『何もないところ』だそうだそうだ。『間』のおかげで『気』が流れるのだそうだ。『間』が詰まってたり失くなってたり満杯だったりすると『気』が流れない。そうするとせっかくの『出会い』も『機会』も訪れなくなる。

フムフム…心にゆとりを作って『気』が流れるようにする。時にもゆとりを持って1分1秒に縛られないようにする。いらないものを捨てて『気』が流れる空間を作る…とまで聴いて、ハタッと気がついた。そこで質問。

「いらないものがなければどうするのですか？使わないものや好みでないものはたくさんあるけど、親や大事な人からいただいたり思い出が詰まっていたりしてとても捨てられなかったら…」

すると講師の先生は涼しい顔で、「それならば『ハフキ』ですよ」とおっしゃった。「ハフキ？」と私が怪訝な顔をして聞き返すと、「そう、『掃いて(ハ)拭いて(フ)清める(キ)』これは日本古来からの知恵ですよ」と返ってきた。

なるほど〜と感心して家に帰り、早速掃いて拭いてみると、本当に家の中の気が変わったような気がした。掃いて拭いたことで家の中が清められたんだと思った。ポジティブなエネルギーが流れるようになった気がして嬉しくなった。

それからはできるだけ毎朝、頭の中で「ハフキ、ハフキ」と唱えながら掃いて拭いて清めることに努めている。

I’m baking cookies, because…. today is a Mother’s Day.

It’s not like my mother especially loved cookies. I just love the smell when I’m baking cookies, that sweet, warm, and cozy smell….

It reminds me of my mom. She was a homely person. I might have been rebelling against that. Perhaps that’s why I devoted so much of myself to music and to business career. I can never say I was a homely mother. I probably baked cookies once a year, just before Christmas. I baked them because I wanted to give cookies to neighbors and colleagues as a little Christmas gift. I didn’t want to give store bought ones. I wanted to show them a different side of me. So in nutshell, it was an act of duty and appearance…..

At the zoom zazen meditation this morning, I was listening to the talk on Mother’s Day and I felt like crying. I miss my mom….. I want to see her…… I love her…….

I thought I should bake cookies for her.

She is gone for 8 years now already. It doesn’t matter now how much I miss her, think of her, care for her, love her….she is gone for good. Why didn’t I go see her more often? Why didn’t I phone her to chat more often? It comes down to the same theme again. “I was too busy.” I was too exhausted by the time I came home. I didn’t have energy to phone her and have a nice chat. However, when I felt down and sad, I had no trouble finding the time and energy to phone her. Hearing her voice comforted me…

It’s a warm weekend. My youngest daughter Rutsu is preparing for a barbecue dinner on the deck. We just had a wonderful online chat with all my three children with their spouses and children. My mom is gone, but I am blessed with my loving family and friends. Why not re-direct my love and gratitude for my mother to people around me?

I am baking cookies for my mom.

Thank you mom. I love you.

これからクッキーを焼く。母の日だから。

べつに母が特別クッキーを好きだったわけではない。だけどクッキーの焼ける匂いって甘くてあったかくてほっこりするから…

母はなんといっても家庭的な人だった。どっちかいうとそんな母に反抗して、私は音楽に没頭したりキャリアウーマンになろうとしたり、あまり家庭的な母親にはならなかったのかもしれない。クッキーなんてクリスマス前くらいにしか焼かなかったんじゃないかな。しかも周りの人に手作りのクッキーをプレゼントしなきゃという義務感と家庭的なところを見せようというお体裁と見栄!

今朝ズーム座禅で母の日のお話を聞いていると涙が出てきた。母のことが懐かしくて会いたくて愛しくて、母のためにクッキーを焼こうと思った。

母が亡くなってもはや8年。もうどんなに思っても、どんなに大事にしたくても、どんなに愛していることを伝えたくても母はいない。もっともっと電話するべきだったのに。会いに行くべきだったのに。結局理由はいつも同じ。「忙しい」「疲れてる」でも何か悲しいことがあったり気分が落ちた時は迷わず母に電話したものだ。母の声を聞くとなんだか慰められたものだな…

急に暖かくなった週末。今夕は末娘の瑠都の家族とデッキでバーベキューをする。ついさっきも家族全員でFaceTime をしたばかり。母はいないけど優しい夫や子供たち、可愛い孫たちが居てくれる。縁あって周りにいてくれる友人知人たちにも感謝して、母に注ぐべきだった愛情をまわりに注ぐことができますように。

母のために祈りを込めて焼くクッキー。美味しくできますように。

It’s weird. Ever since this Corona pandemic started, I am sleeping well.

I had insomnia. Every night I was tossing right and left, facing up and down, sitting up on the bed meditating….

Jealous of some guy next to me sleeping soundly with rhythm…. I felt like yanking his feet as hard as I could.

The last resort was to turn my little lamp on, choose a most uninteresting book, and read hoping to fall asleep….

Strangely I fall right asleep when I’m watching TV, but my eyes are wide open, my head as clear as ever, as soon as I arrive in bed. I was sometimes even afraid of the night coming…..

Amazingly, ever since Covid-19 pandemic, none of them is happening. Isn’t it a wonderful shift?!

But….why? Something must have changed inside me, right? What was it that changed?

I am supposed to be having a boring life of staying home, no stimulations, no personal growth, just everyday mundaneness.

But think, now my mind might be like a new born baby, back to totally natural, with much comfort and no tensions. Thanks to the pandemic, sleeping well might be a reflection of that.

“I don’t have time!” It was my motivational force. I always heard that phrase in my head.

Don’t waste time, get ready as quickly as I can, don’t spend time on unimportant things, but spend as much time as needed for important things. Efficiency, efficiency!!!

I am 64 and my time is limited. While I still have energy and health, I want to do all the things I want to do. I want to go to all the places I want to go.

Perhaps I was too impatient. I was too greedy. I was putting too much pressure onto myself. Insomnia might have been a result of that.

So now, Covid-19 forces me to go nowhere, see nobody, and do nothing. This has become my new reality. Crying, shouting, and complaining have no effect. I have no control over it. For the first time in my adult life, I am free from all the pressure and I have returned to my natural self.

Perhaps I should thank the pandemic for giving me this awareness.

At the zoom zen meditation session, the teacher asked us, “why do you meditate?” He said meditation would help you see yourself deeper and let you know you deeper.

A Presbyterian woman minister named Lynn whom I have never met in person, but follow her on YouTube challenged us. “Easter is about dying and being reborn. in order for new you to be born, the old you has to die.”

What is “old me”? What aspect of me has to die? I was thinking about that ever since I heard her just before Easter. It’s been more than 2 weeks now and I might have the answer just bubbling up in my heart.

Let’s not be impatient. Let’s not put pressure onto myself. The “greedy me”should perish, and “natural me” shall be born. May “new me” have a slow life graceful and mindful. It’s alright if I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do in my lifetime. It’s ok to have some places left unvisited. I already have plenty of gratitudes in my life.

So there! My realization for Easter 2020!

コロナのパンデミックが始まって以来、なぜかよく眠れているんだよね。

それまでの私は眠れなくてあっち向いたりこっち向いたり、座って瞑想してみたり…

隣で眠るニールの規則正しい寝息を恨めしく聞きながら蹴っ飛ばしたい気持ちをやっと抑えて…

果ては起き上がってランプをつけて超面白くない本を選んで読んでみたり…

テレビがついている時は簡単に居眠りしてしまうのに、さて寝室に行ってベッドに入って眠ろうとすると、しゃきっと目が冴えてしまう。夜が来るのが怖いような数年を過ごしたものだ。

それがどうしたものか、パンデミックで家に閉じこもる毎日になったとたん、ぱたっと変わってしまった。何と嬉しいシフト❣️

でもどうしてだろう。何かが私の中で変化したに違いないよね。何だろう。

刺激のない成長のない生活に退屈しきっているはずだったのに…

今このパンデミックのおかげで、生まれたままの自然な私に戻れた安心感に、私の体が反応しているのかもしれないなと思う。

時間がない。考えてみればそれが私の原動力だった。

時間をかけずにできるだけササっと用意して…とか、大事でないことには時間をかけず大事なことにはうんと時間をかけて…とか。

自分の生活を大事なことと大事でないことに分けて、効率的に、自分の人生に残された少ない期間にできるだけ多くのことを達成しようとしていたみたい。

64歳の私が元気で達者で暮らせるのはもしかしたらあと数年しかないかもしれない、と思ってその間にあれもこれもと、やりたいこと全部やって、行きたいところ全部行って…

そう思って焦って突っ走っていたのかもしれない。

ようするに欲張っていたんだね。そうして自分で自分にプレッシャーをかけていた。結果が眠れないって状況だったのかもしれない。

今パンデミックになって、泣いてもわめいてもどうあがいても、どこにも行けないし、誰にも会えないし、何もできない状況になって初めて、自分が自分から解放されたような気がする。情けないけど。

そんな気付きをくれたパンデミックに感謝しなければいけないのかなあと思う。

今朝のズーム座禅で聞いた言葉…なぜ何のために座禅をするのか、それは自分を見つめて自分を知るためだ…。

YouTubeでしか会ったことのないリンという女性の牧師さんが投げかけてくれた言葉、「過去の自分が死んで新しく生まれ変わるイースターの季節、自分が新しくなるためには自分の中の何が死ななければならないか考えよう。」半月くらいずっと考えていたけどやっとフツフツと答えが湧いてきたみたい。

焦るのはやめよう。プレッシャーをかけるのはやめよう。欲張りな自分には滅びてもらって、自然体で、今に感謝して、のんびり、丁寧に生きていこう。一生の間にやりたいことが全部できなくてもいい。行きたいところに行けなくてもいいよね。感謝すべきことは十分あるじゃない。

そんなふうに気づかせてくれた2020年のイースターだった。

A few days after we all enjoyed our family reunion, I started feeling some minor body pain. Although I didn’t pay much attention at the time thinking it’d go away soon, it started to make me sicker and sicker. I couldn’t get out of bed. You know, I never get sick. I never get high fever. Why does it happen to me just when my daughter and grandchildren whom I rarely get to see are visiting from Japan?Nevertheless, my body was out of control. Then my brain also got out of control. It felt like I lost my ability to find words. “This is not good” my two daughters swiftly and firmly decided to take me to the emergency. “Emergency? That’s so overreacting…” I remember thinking that briefly, but next thing I remember was that I was in a hospital bed.

It was a weird experience. Doctors and nurses came to my bedside one by one and asked me, “so what day is today?” “When is your birthday?” “Who is this person?” (pointing at Neil) I know the answers but I couldn’t put them to words.

They did all kinds of tests. Until they could figure out what disease I had, they had to treat me for the worst possible scenario. I was quarantined at the hospital for five days! The diagnosis in the end was that I had viral meningitis. If it was bacterial meningitis, it could have left me some brain damage or even, could have taken my life.

OMG… how did I get such a terrible thing… It really made me think.

First of all, it reminded me of Don Juan’s words in the book by Carlos Castaneda, “death is always at our left side where we can just reach by extending our arm”. It really is true, so realistic now. I was healthy with so much energy. Who would have thought, in just one day it could completely turn around to the point I could have died? Death might really be there, always, a paper thin away, and could just move over and take me.

Another thing I realized was that now our children are bosses. Despite how healthy and sharp I was for a person in her early 60s, once I got sick, my daughters of 30s totally took over the leadership. It was a bit shocking. The end result was that they were right, they saved my life, and I am very grateful for that. But, does it mean we could be losing control of our own lives? in our 60s? Are we not steering wheels of our own lives any more?

When I think of it ….. isn’t it exactly the same thing that I did to my own mother when she became weak?

We get older little by little each day. As we feel that, we begin to think hard, plan, and prepare for our old age. Our children of 30s, of course, are in their midst of running the world, and have no idea what is happening to us or how it feels to be getting older. What happens if they take over our lives…? How did my mom feel….?

So what can we do…? I don’t know…it’s really a difficult problem.

シアトルでファミリーリユニオンを楽しんだ数日後、なんとなく身体の節々が痛いような気がした。気のせいだろうと思っていたら、どんどん気分が悪くなって寝込んでしまった。私が熱を出して寝込むなんて滅多にないことだからびっくり、しかも滅多に会えない孫達が日本から来ていて色々一緒に楽しみたいのに身体が言うことを聞かない。

結局まる1日寝込んでしまったところで今度は意識がもうろうとして何か言おうとしても言葉が出て来なくなった。これはおかしいと娘達が率先して救急病院に連れて行ってくれた。救急病院だなんて大袈裟な…とちらっと思ったけど意識がもうろうとしてたから、気がついたらすでに病院のベッドだった。

こんなに不思議な体験は初めて。とにかく脳が機能しなくなったような感じだった。お医者さんや看護婦さんが入れ替わり立ち替わり「今日は何月何日？」とか「生年月日は？」とかニールを指して「この人誰？」とか聞いてくるのに答えられない。

検査が終わるまでは、最悪の場合を想定して、隔離して点滴治療をするということで５日間も入院してしまった。結局ウイルス性の髄膜炎という診断で無事退院できたのだけど、もしこれが細菌性の髄膜炎だったら後遺症が残ったり下手すると死に至る可能性もあったそうだ。

やれやれ😥 なんともタイミング悪く大騒ぎをさせてしまった。でもなんだか考えさせられた。まず、今読んでいる本 (「イクストランへの旅」カルロス カスタネダ著) の中に出てくるドン フアンの言葉、「死はいつでもわしらの左側、腕を伸ばせば届くようなところにいるんだ」がものすごく現実味を伴って感じられたこと。だって全くもって完璧に健康体だった体が、わずか1日後には「死ぬかもしれない」とまで消耗してしまうのだから。死ってほんの紙一枚離れたところでつねに待ってて、ある時クルッと思いもかけない速さで訪れるのかもしれない。

次に、私自身は60代前半でまだまだ若く頭もしっかりしているつもりだったのに、今回すっかり30代の娘達に主導権を取られてしまったことも何とも複雑な思いだ。結果的にはおかげさまで命が助かって感謝しているんだけど… 。もう子供達の時代になってしまって、これからどんどんこんな風に自分の人生を自分で舵取りできなくなっていくんだろうか。

思えば私も同じことを我が母親にしたんだけど…

人間っていきなり年をとるんじゃなくて少しずつ老いが進んでくるのだから、その間にこれからの人生のことを色々考えて準備して計画するわけでしょ。その過程もなければ気持ちも想像できない30代の人生最盛期の子供達にいきなりリーダーシップをとられてしまってはこれは困るなって感じがするんだよね。

亡き母もそんな風に思ったかな。

じゃあどうすればいいの？と言われても困るんだけど。ともかく複雑〜〜〜

Neil is 66 and has been retired for 2 years now. My children are in their 30’s working hard building up their careers. For me, the word “career” does not apply, since my work is so free and individualistic. I just watch. When I am watching, it gives me so much insight and perspectives from each one of you and makes me think.

When you retire and look back on your career, you realize how much you have learned over all those years. Often those learnings were earned in the hardest ways. Naturally, you want to pass them on especially to the young loved ones who are just starting. You don’t want all the wisdom you acquired to be lost and wasted.

However, do young ones really want to hear them? They might feel, oh it’s from last generation and therefore irrelevant, or you can always find better information online, or they might simply want to have their fresh start, do things their way. They might not want to be bothered with awkward suggestions, “just leave me alone!”

I don’t know if you are feeling that way…but even if you are, please graciously listen to Neil’s stories, put his wisdom somewhere in your head. One day, it might become helpful…or at least you might understand what he was saying.

Neil was an excellent researcher and wonderful educator. However as you know, he is super simple and ultra honest person, and he does not read air very well. He was not a politician and politics gave him so much pain. I could see that very well. It was hard for me to see him suffer in his career. However, he IS a deeply caring person. His struggles led him to take on the position of the faculty advisor for the university. He wholeheartedly helped for many many years those who were having difficulties in their careers. He dealt with all kinds of difficult cases. His knowledge is amazing. He was such a valuable person in the university.

Organizations are all so political, especially universities. They are terrible. One day, you are bound to face some enormous problem. When you do, I hope you remember that your stepfather is there for you, offering you some valuable ideas.

ニールは66才ですでに現役を退いた身。子供たちは30代でこれからキャリアを積んでバリバリ働く身。私はフリーな仕事がらキャリアという言葉は当てはまらないから横で気楽に観察している身。横から見ているとそれぞれがなにをどんな風に感じているのかがよくわかってちょっと複雑な気分になったりする。

リタイアすると今まで人生の大半を占めてきたキャリア生活を思い返して実に色々な教訓を得てきたことに気づく。そしてなんとかその教訓を若いこれからの人達に伝えたいって思うんだよね。そうしないと苦労して得た教訓が無駄に消えてしまうから。でもね、若い人たちはそう言う教訓を聞きたいって思ってるんだろうか？ 時代が違う、なんでもオンラインで調べられるからいい、フレッシュスタートで自分の思うようにやって見たいって思ってるかもしれない。お節介なお説教は聞きたくないって思うかもしれない。

たとえそうであっても、ありがたくニールの話を聞いてあげてほしい。頭のどこか隅っこにでもニールの教訓を置いといてあげてほしい。いつか役に立つことがあるかもしれないよ。

ニールは研究者、教育者としては優秀な教授だったんだけど、ど単純でバカ正直で独りよがりのところがあって政治的に立ち回ることができない人だった。横で見ていて彼の苦労がものすごくよくわかって心苦しかった。誤解されることが多いけどニールは心から思いやりの深い人なんだよ。自分の苦労を生かして役に立ちたい一心でファカルティーアドバザーのポジションについて、一生懸命、大勢の教授達の様々な問題を長年にわたって助けてきたんだよ。だから色々なケースをよく知ってる貴重な人なんだよ。

どんな組織でもそうだけど、特に大学は難しいところだよ。必ずいつかは岩にぶつかるからその時はどうか素直にニールの苦労話や教訓を聞いて参考にしてほしい。

We were always together….nobody questioned about it. But one day, somebody moved out for university, then somebody got married, then somebody moved for work…. before knowing, our family was forever changed….sad. 😢

Since I was divorced in a foreign country, my three little children and I were like a little cocoon, so close together all the time. I really miss those days…

My boy, Ikkei, got a job in Hawaii, and we decided to have a family reunion in Seattle. After all these years this was the first time all of us gathered together. We rented a house in Seattle for three days. Ikkei’s family drove from Pennsylvania, Tomoka and her kids flew from Tokyo, Rutsu and her baby drove from Lions Bay, of course Neil and I also drove from Lions Bay, and we all joined in Seattle. My three children are now 37 to 33, and our five grandchildren are from 9 years old to 10 months old.

It was crazy noisy, but such a joy. It was my life’s highlight!

It’s so true that the time never comes back. When we gather again, we will be all different. Some of us are aging, some are growing…. that makes the moment even more precious. I would treasure the memory for the rest of my life.

当たり前のように一緒に暮らして喧嘩したり笑ったりしていた家族が、進学、就職や結婚で、ある日一人抜け、二人抜け、気がついたら家族構成がすっかり変わってしまっている。。。寂しいな。特に私は異国で離婚して３人の子供たちとの４人暮らしで４人が一つのサナギのようにして暮らしてきたからかことさら寂しさを感じる。

今夏は長男の一敬が就職でハワイに移転することになったこともあり、初めて子供たちと孫たちと犬たちと猫が全員シアトルに集合して3日間を共に過ごすことになった。一敬たちはペンシルヴェニア州からドライブ、知香たちは東京から飛んで、瑠都たちと私たちはライオンズベイから、それぞれがシアトルに集合した。子供たちは37才から33才、孫たちは9才から10ヶ月。

気が狂いそうなくらいにぎやかだったけど、とっても楽しい3日間だった。私にとっては一生の思い出になるハイライトだったなあ。

本当に、この瞬間は2度と戻って来ない。次にまたみんなで会える時はみんな変わってしまっている。歳をとってたり、大きくなってたり。。。そう思うと、本当に貴重。大事な大事な宝物のような瞬間…

When I learned about Stella’s on-going struggles trying to retrieve her two children from Cameroon, I thought I should organize a fundraising concert for her. The timing was terrible for me, but I thought I must do it. I don’t know why, it was weird, but it was such a strong urge in myself, and I had to follow my intuition. I thought I would regret if I didn’t.

Timing could not be worse. It was already close to June. Summer generally is not a good time to plan concerts. People are often away for holidays. Moreover, I was having a nerve recking organ concert on June 8. I had no choice but to hold the fundraiser on the 16th. Having two different concerts on consecutive weekends is insane. When do you get to practice? How do you manage rehearsals? Super busy and super heavy pressure…. However, I had the feeling it would be alright and everything would be fine, and I trusted that. I contacted some performers, selected some effective music pieces for the program, created flyers, posted posters…. I just couldn’t handle all the pieces I wanted to play accompaniment for…so decided to ask my pianist friend K to help me.

Stella came to Canada 5 years ago with a nanny visa. Soon after she arrived she knocked on the door of the church I was working as the music director. It was about 8:30 on a Sunday morning. I was practicing for the day’s worship service. I remember that day vividly, because I was so surprised to see a visitor from Africa at the door so early in the morning. She introduced herself to Neil and me. She told us that she herself had children, ages 5 and 6, in Cameroon.

Her plan was to work in Canada for five years or so to obtain an immigrant visa, then bring her children to Canada. I was so impressed for her braveness and patience. It surely sounded like a long term project.

Her life in Canada for the next 5 years was not easy. Her employment was unstable and she was often not treated by her employers rightly. She was taken advantage of and lost her job a few times. Moreover, a war started in Cameroon and her children’s safety became a serious concern. Despite various challenges, her perseverance supported by her strong faith was absolutely amazing. If it was me, I would have given up long ago, and gone back to my own country.

So the concert was on June 16. The audience reaction was so encouraging. Many people looked deeply moved. Some people had tears in their eyes. The concert seemed to have successfully communicated some heartfelt “hope and love” to people.

Some people kindly bought tickets even they knew they weren’t coming. Many people made donations for her and some wrote cheques for amazing amounts of money (the largest one was for $5,000!!) 100% of all proceeds and donations went to Stella. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness.

The concert perhaps helped to create a sense of togetherness and purpose….in some sense like an old fashioned community we may have long forgotten. We all worked towards the happy, safe, and hopeful future of Stella and her children.

Thank you to the fellow musicians who shared their gifts for free.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the opportunity to utilize Your gift, giving me some intuition, and guiding me through.

ステラの連続する苦悩を聞いた時、本能的にファンドレイジングのコンサートをしようと思った。タイミングがこれ以上ないほど悪いんだけど今しなければ後でものすごく後悔すると思った。なんだか不思議なんだけどその時すご〜く強くそう思ったんだよね。自分に与えられた音楽の能力を誰かの役に立てるように使わなければ申し訳ないと思った。ただ、夏が迫っているので日にちがない。仕方なく私のオルガンのコンサートの1週間後にすることに決めた。二つの異なるコンサートをたて続けにするとなんて正気の沙汰ではない。忙しさもプレッシャーも倍になる。第一いつ練習するの？どうやってリハーサルの時間を作るの？でも何とかなる、上手くいくような気がした。演奏者に連絡を取って趣旨を理解してもらって、効果的なプログラムを組んで、チラシを作ってポスターを貼って…。でもどうしても伴奏の練習が間に合わなくてピアニストのお友達のKさんに手伝ってもらうことにした。

ステラは5年前にアフリカのカメルーンから子守(ナニー)のワークビザでカナダに来た。着いてすぐに彼女は私が当時音楽デイレクターをしていた教会の門を叩いた。日曜日の朝8:30ごろだった。ちょうど私はその日の礼拝のための練習をしていて突然のアフリカからの訪問者にビックリしたのでよく覚えている。聞けば彼女自身5歳と6歳の子供がいるという。永住権を取って子供達を呼び寄せたいと聞いて、気の遠くなるようなイバラの道と彼女の勇気に驚嘆した。それから5年間、彼女のカナダ生活も楽ではなかった。雇用主が何度も変わったり、当然であるべき人権が無視されたり、大変な試練ばかりだった。その上カメルーンでは戦争が始まり、子供たちの命も危うくなった。どんな試練に出会っても、どんなに心配で不安に押しつぶされそうになっても、しっかりとした信仰を持って忍耐強く努力を続ける彼女の姿は驚くばかり。私ならとっくに諦めて子供の元に帰っていただろうと思うのに…。

コンサートは6月16日に行われた。私が思うに何よりも聞いてくださったお客様の反応が素晴らしかったと思う。大勢の人が感動の面持ちで上気して目が潤んでいたように思う。当日都合が悪い方達も切符を買ってサポートしてくれたり、沢山の人が寄付してくれたり、驚くような高額の小切手を切ってくれた人がいたり、何と言って感謝したらよいのか…。心から嬉しかった。

コンサートの役割は音楽を通してみんなの心を一つにして何とかしてステラをいっしょに助けようという気持ちの高揚を作ったということなのかもしれない。何の報酬もなく一緒に演奏してくれた仲間に感謝。そして何よりも、私にこんな機会をくれて、直感をくれて、励ましガイドしくれた神さまに感謝。

On June 8, 2019, there was a RCCO members’ pipe organ recital at St. Mary’s Kerrisdale, and I played Mendelssohn’s organ sonata #6. I worked at it so hard hoping that I would play well and would be happy.

The reality was…..it went relatively well for the first 70% until a big accident happened. I had a person turning pages and pushing buttons to operate the general (pre-set registration) pistons for me. When I was at a very quiet place, by mistake, the loud pistons were pulled and I literally jumped. The unexpected loud sounds shocked me and my head went blank. At the same time I heard the other person uttering “oh shit!”

I didn’t know what to do.

I corrected the button myself, went back to the quiet part again, then carried on to the end. My heart was pounding like a storm, and my performance thereafter was messy. I just couldn’t focus.

OK, OK… accidents could happen. I have had so many accidents in my life of piano and organ playing. However, how could I lose focus after what happened? Why couldn’t I just keep my head calm and carry on? What a disappointment, I felt extremely angry for myself.

You know….I practiced so hard. I put so many hours into this piece for this concert. And this is the result. In fact, I am having this result over and over. Shouldn’t I give up my organ if I can’t even play a piece satisfactorily?

Looking at our front and back yards everyday full of weeds grown as high as my knees, I had been saying to myself, “well, never mind, I can do weeding as soon as my concert is over.”

Night after night, so exhausted but forcing myself to put on headphones and practicing one more hour, what did that do?

The sacrifice and efforts I made were all waste of time…why do I keep doing this? Indescribable anger rose inside me and exploded. I shouted. “I am going to quit organ!” Yes, I declared that to my teacher and colleagues and friends.

Two days later, I went to my Zen meditation class. During the meditation my teacher Hoben told us a story. He didn’t know what happened to me at the concert…..so it was truly amazing.

This is the summery of his talk.

When do we feel unhappy or unsatisfied? It is always when things didn’t go the way we wanted, when we didn’t get the results we wanted. The question is what do you do when that happens? Do you get angry, get emotional, shout, blame other people, or even hurt other people? Or….?

What’s important is how you live that moment. Just because you practice Zen meditation, it does not mean bad things don’t happen. External hazards, undesirable things fall on everybody equally. However, how do you live that moment when that happens? That’s where Zen meditation can make difference.

….shocked….he is talking about me…..

There is a story, Hoben continued.

A man died. He woke up in a beautiful field. He thought, “wow, what a beautiful place! My afterlife is not as bad as I thought! But I don’t have a place to sleep.” Then, instantly, a beautiful dream house appeared before him. He was ecstatic. Then he found himself to be hungry. As soon as he thought of foods, beautiful dishes appeared on the table with all his favorite foods. Everything was like that. He had everything he wanted the moment he thought of it.

One day, he met an elderly man on a walk and was asked, “so how do you like your afterlife?” He said, “fantastic. I love it. I wonder how it is like in hell…”

The elderly man said, “how do you know you are in heaven and not in hell?”

So….he was in hell. Having everything he wants, the way he wants, without any obstacles, is a life in hell.

Working with purpose, failing and trying and yet failing, is actually the real heaven – that’s what this story tells.

I was ashamed. What an arrogant attitude I had, getting angry, declaring I am quitting, just because I couldn’t play the way I wanted to play. At that moment, my gratitude for the gifts given to me had totally disappeared from my mind. I am fortunate to have music in my life, to have opportunities to learn and perform. How could I forget that?

How stupid, how pathetically stupid I was…..

6月8日はパイプオルガンのコンサート、オルガニスト協会のメンバーリサイタルだった。私はメンデルスゾーンのオルガンソナタの6番を弾いた。私なりに一生懸命練習して、今度こそは上手く弾けることを期待していた。小さな失敗はちょこちょこあったものの最初の70%はなんとか無事にいった…と思ったら突然驚くべきことが起こった。譜めくりとボタン押しをしてくれる人が間違えて、静かな音の必要な場所で大きな音のボタンを押してしまったのだ。突然鳴り響いた大音響！「オー、クソ！」というその人の吠え声！私は文字通り飛び上がった。何が起こったのか一瞬わからなかった。動揺して心臓がパクパク。もう一度静かなところからやり直して最後まで弾いたものの、散漫ながっかりする演奏になってしまった。

それからがいけない。もうこれだけ練習してこんな演奏しかできないなら何のためにこんなことを繰り返しているのか、と怒りの気持ちがこみ上げてきた。

毎日家に帰るたびに雑草ボーボーの庭を見ながら「ガマンガマン、コンサートが終わったら庭仕事ができるから…」と自分に言い聞かせていたのは何のためだったのか。疲れて寝てしまいたいときにもガマンガマンでヘッドホンをつけて練習したのは何のためだったのか。全てが全く時間の無駄だったじゃないか、もうこんなことやめてしまいたい、カ〜とそんな気持ちがこみ上げてきて、私もう辞めます、と先生にも先輩にも友達にも宣言してしまった。

さてさて2日後、いつもの座禅に出かけた。瞑想をしていると座禅の先生がふっとこんな話を始めた。先生は私のコンサートの出来事なんて何も知らないから不思議としか言いようがない。以下は先生のお話の要約。

私たちが不幸だと思うのは大体において、自分の思う通りに物事が進まなかったとき、自分が思い描いた結果が出なかったときだ。そのときに怒って怒鳴って感情的になってときには人を傷つけるのか…それとも…？つまりその瞬間をどう生きるのかが大切なんだ。座禅をしているからといって思うように事が進むわけではない、災いに合わないわけではない。災いは全ての人に同じように降りかかってくる。ただ、その時、その瞬間をどう生きるのか、それが違ってくる。

…ドキっとした。まるで昨日の私ではないか…

こんなたとえ話がある。ある人が亡くなった。その人はあの世で目を覚まし、美しい草原に驚いて、こんなに美しい所ならあの世も悪くないなあ、と思った。でも寝る家がないなあ、と思ったら途端に素晴らしい夢のような家が現れた。その家で暮らしていたら、お腹が空いて何か食べたいなあ、と思った。すると素晴らしいお料理、大好物ばかりがテーブルにさあっと並んだ。全てがその調子で何もかもが思う通りに、サーっと現れて快適な生活が続いた。あるとき散歩に出かけるとあるお爺さんに声をかけられた。

「どう？あの世での暮らしは？」

「素晴らしいです。これが天国なら地獄の暮らしはどんなものなんでしょうね。」

するとお爺さんは言った。「これが天国だとどうして思うの？」

つまりこの人は地獄の暮らしをしていたんだよね。なんでも簡単に努力もなしで自分の思う通りになる生活は地獄の生活なんだってこと…目的を持って努力をして失敗を重ねて…それこそが幸せなんだ…

改めて2日前の自分を心から恥じた。オルガンを弾く幸せも忘れて、もう辞めます、だなんて偉そうなことを言ってごめんなさい。自分の思う通りにいかなかったからといって怒り狂うとはなんとバカだったんだろう。

One morning in March, after a zen sitting at North Shore Zendo, I had an interesting conversation with two other women. One of them was talking about the 10 day retreat she participated last month at the monastery in Oregon.  According to her, since February is the month Buddha died, the Dharma talk (sermon) for the retreat was focused on death and dying.  What is death? It is the letting go of life, being free from living, departing from life, ending the will to live, bidding farewell to life….

Hmmm….

She said, the Dhama talk then diverged to “what is it to be living” and to “how should we live our lives”. 

Hmmmm…..

Going back to death, what does it mean to “let go of life” when you are not actually dying at this moment? Would that be like letting go of your past, ties, career, or relationship? Do not cling to your past, live your life now and move forward? 

She said she goes to this 10 day retreat at the monastery every year in February and Dharma talks are always very interesting.  

Sounds good…I thought…. I wish I was there….. 

Somehow, the three mature women’s chat of “letting go of life” has shifted to “letting go of stuff”.  There is a book written by a young Japanese woman that has become a bestseller in many countries including Canada. She talks about decision criteria of what stuff to keep and what to throw away.  She calls it “danshari” which literally means “letting go”.  She suggests that you hold a thing in your hand and listen to yourself. Do you feel delightful? If yes, put it in the “keep” pile, and if no, put it in the “throw” pile. OK…..  I agree that letting go of something can mean letting go of your past, but…. I don’t understand the part about “feeling delightful.”  I can’t see the relevance between not feeling delightful and therefore letting go of that object or that part of your life.  I felt a bit turned off by this argument……  I don’t think life is that simple.

For example, I have a box full of materials/resources for teaching Japanese, stored unopened for perhaps 25 years now.  These are the materials I created myself when I was teaching Japanese from 1989 to 1992. If you ask me if this box full of materials delights me, I have to say they don’t delight me any more.  Since I have long moved on to something else, and now into a different stage in life, I would probably never teach Japanese again.  However, the 3 years was an integral part of my life. It was a start of my new era. Because I taught Japanese for 3 years, I was able to meet many interesting people, made good friends, was led to some unexpected paths, and my life has opened up in the directions I have never imagined.  30 years later, here I am.  I am who I am, where I am, what I am, because of the three years. The box is perhaps a reminder of my gratitude.  I was certainly led, guided and protected by a Huge Love (God) throughout my life, and I am so grateful. So the box does not delight me, and no longer useful, but I just cannot throw it away.

“Letting go” is not the same as “getting rid”, or “throwing away”.  In the same way, “feeling gratitude” does not result in “holding onto your past”.  

Then, what should I do with my box?……I don’t know.

“That’s why your house is such full of stuff!”….I can hear somebody’s voice…..  

2月のある日、座禅に行ったあと、女性３人でおしゃべりに花が咲いた。一人がオレゴン州にある禅寺へ10日間の修行に行った話をしていた。2月は仏陀が亡くなられた月なので１０日間の修行中「死」についていろいろなお説教があったという。「死」とはつまり放すこと、解放すること、別れること。生きることから解放される、生きる意志を放す、人生とお別れすること。

うーむ、確かに。

もう少し、その考えを発展させて、過去の自分を手放すこと、過去の人生にしがみつかないこと、過去を整理して前向きに生きて行くこと、につなげていくという内容だったという。

私もききたかったな。。。と思ったのもつかの間、熟女３人のおしゃべりはそれからなぜか「だからものを整理する、ものを捨てる」という方向に発展していった。カナダでも結構話題になってる「断捨離」とかミニマリストという言葉。いかにしてものを捨てるか、ものを手にとってみて、ときめくか、ときめかないかで、捨てるかキープするかを決める片付け法だという。捨てるということは過去の自分と決別するということにつながるという考えはわかるんだけど、『ときめく』とか『ときめかない』とか言われるとなんだか、しら～っとしてしまう。そんな単純なことじゃあないよって思う。

ダンボール箱いっぱいの日本語の教材がもう25年も手付かずでしまってある。私が日本語を教えていた89年から92年ごろの３年間ほど一生懸命自分で手作りした教材だ。ときめくかと聞かれたら、もうときめかないとしか言いようがない。もう多分２度と日本語を教えることはないだろう。でもこの3年間があったからこそ、カナダで友人関係を広げて次の段階に進むことができて、そこから思いもかけない方向に人生が向かっていって今の私がいる。私のことを神様が見守ってくれて導いてくれたことを思い出させてくれる証しのような存在。感謝の印。ときめかないし、もう２度と私にとっては役に立たないものかもしれないけど、とてもとても捨てられない。

過去を手放すってことは過去を捨てるってこととは違う。過去に感謝するってことは過去にしがみついているってことでもない。

じゃあそのダンボールをどうすればいいのか？。。。わからない。

そんなことを言ってるから家の中がガラクタだらけになるんだよ、と誰かから叱責されそう。。。