I love you. I love you. I love you.

How many times did we say it this morning? M whispered ”I love you”. And I responded ”I love you”. Over and over…

Covid regulation is finally over; warm season has arrived; our hectic life in Powell River has calmed down for the moment. We are here in Lions Bay. It’s peaceful. We are taking care of our daughter’s pets while the family is visiting Japan. We went to visit M this morning at her nursing home in West Vancouver. We had not seen her for several months.

I stepped into her room, and was startled. It is certainly M who is lying down in bed. But, OMG she is half the size from before…. She has lost so much weight. “Oh” M saw me and called out and stretched her arms. I ran up to her and embraced her ‘skin and bones’ body.

The care taker person says M does not want to eat and does not drink anything. She is super dehydrated. Oh no, I thought….she must be trying to die by starving herself. She has been invalid and bed bound for many years now. It’s not unimaginable if she wished to die. However, of course, it’s not that easy to die…sadly. She has been lying in bed for years now, her hearing is almost completely gone; because of the stroke her ability to speak, read, and write is seriously compromised. She used to love watching politics on TV, but can’t any more. It’s not unreasonable if she wondered why she is still breathing.

I want M to live, have little happiness here and there….but at the same time, I don’t want her to suffer. I want her to be in peace. What a contradiction. You have suffered so much, M…you can join your beloved husband in heaven….you don’t have to suffer any more…. But, how can I say that?

Agonizing for words….I’m just repeating “I love you”, “I love you”, “I love you”

I came out her room saying…”I’ll come again, soon”, dragging my heavy heart.

I love you, M. I don’t know what else to say….but….seriously, I love you…. I love you so much.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

この言葉を何度繰り返したことか。マレナがI love youとつぶやくと私もI love youと返す。何度も何度も…。

コロナ規制がやっと終了して、寒い季節が終わって、忙しい私たちの生活が一段落して、パウエルリバーからライオンズベイの娘の家に来て、のんびりペット子守りをしている私たち。久しぶりにマレナのいるウエストヴァンクーバーの老人ホームを訪れた。

部屋に一歩踏み入れてギョッとした。ベッドに横たわっているのは、確かに私の愛するマレナ、でも痩せて半分になってる…。マレナが「おーっ」と叫んで手を延ばす。わたしも走り寄ってガリガリの骨と皮になったマレナの体を抱き寄せる。

ケアをしてくださってる看護士さんが、マレナは何も食べないし、何も飲まない、だから極度の脱水状態なの、と言う。ふとマレナは餓死自殺しようとしてるんじゃないかと思った。もう動けなくなって何年もたつから死にたいって思うのも無理ないなと思う。でもいくらそう思っても人間ってそう簡単に死ねないんだよね。何年も何年もベッドに横たわってるだけでろくに話もできないし、読み書きもできない、テレビも観れないし、耳も聴こえない。それじゃあ何のために息をしてるんだろうって思っても無理ないよね。

マレナにはいつまでも生きててほしいと願いつつ、でも苦しまないで平安でいてほしいとも願う。矛盾してるよね。ご苦労さま…もういいからマイケルの居る天国に行っていいんだよ…もうこれ以上苦しまなくていいんだよ、とも思うけど、そんなこと言えない。

悶々としながら、また来るよ、と言い残して重い心で部屋をあとにした私。

I love you, マレナ. I love you, I love you. I love you so much.