pocoapocowithsmile

Mother’s Day 母の日

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I’m baking cookies, because…. today is a Mother’s Day.

It’s not like my mother especially loved cookies. I just love the smell when I’m baking cookies, that sweet, warm, and cozy smell….

It reminds me of my mom. She was a homely person. I might have been rebelling against that. Perhaps that’s why I devoted so much of myself to music and to business career. I can never say I was a homely mother. I probably baked cookies once a year, just before Christmas. I baked them because I wanted to give cookies to neighbors and colleagues as a little Christmas gift. I didn’t want to give store bought ones. I wanted to show them a different side of me. So in nutshell, it was an act of duty and appearance…..

At the zoom zazen meditation this morning, I was listening to the talk on Mother’s Day and I felt like crying. I miss my mom….. I want to see her…… I love her…….

I thought I should bake cookies for her.

She is gone for 8 years now already. It doesn’t matter now how much I miss her, think of her, care for her, love her….she is gone for good. Why didn’t I go see her more often? Why didn’t I phone her to chat more often? It comes down to the same theme again. “I was too busy.” I was too exhausted by the time I came home. I didn’t have energy to phone her and have a nice chat. However, when I felt down and sad, I had no trouble finding the time and energy to phone her. Hearing her voice comforted me…

It’s a warm weekend. My youngest daughter Rutsu is preparing for a barbecue dinner on the deck. We just had a wonderful online chat with all my three children with their spouses and children. My mom is gone, but I am blessed with my loving family and friends. Why not re-direct my love and gratitude for my mother to people around me?

I am baking cookies for my mom.

Thank you mom. I love you.

これからクッキーを焼く。母の日だから。

べつに母が特別クッキーを好きだったわけではない。だけどクッキーの焼ける匂いって甘くてあったかくてほっこりするから…

母はなんといっても家庭的な人だった。どっちかいうとそんな母に反抗して、私は音楽に没頭したりキャリアウーマンになろうとしたり、あまり家庭的な母親にはならなかったのかもしれない。クッキーなんてクリスマス前くらいにしか焼かなかったんじゃないかな。しかも周りの人に手作りのクッキーをプレゼントしなきゃという義務感と家庭的なところを見せようというお体裁と見栄!

今朝ズーム座禅で母の日のお話を聞いていると涙が出てきた。母のことが懐かしくて会いたくて愛しくて、母のためにクッキーを焼こうと思った。

母が亡くなってもはや8年。もうどんなに思っても、どんなに大事にしたくても、どんなに愛していることを伝えたくても母はいない。もっともっと電話するべきだったのに。会いに行くべきだったのに。結局理由はいつも同じ。「忙しい」「疲れてる」でも何か悲しいことがあったり気分が落ちた時は迷わず母に電話したものだ。母の声を聞くとなんだか慰められたものだな…

急に暖かくなった週末。今夕は末娘の瑠都の家族とデッキでバーベキューをする。ついさっきも家族全員でFaceTime をしたばかり。母はいないけど優しい夫や子供たち、可愛い孫たちが居てくれる。縁あって周りにいてくれる友人知人たちにも感謝して、母に注ぐべきだった愛情をまわりに注ぐことができますように。

母のために祈りを込めて焼くクッキー。美味しくできますように。

Author: Haruyo Abramson

I'm a musician, mom, and grandma, living in BC, Canada with my husband and three dogs.

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