pocoapocowithsmile

What has changed? コロナのおかげ?

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It’s weird. Ever since this Corona pandemic started, I am sleeping well.

I had insomnia. Every night I was tossing right and left, facing up and down, sitting up on the bed meditating….

Jealous of some guy next to me sleeping soundly with rhythm…. I felt like yanking his feet as hard as I could.

The last resort was to turn my little lamp on, choose a most uninteresting book, and read hoping to fall asleep….

Strangely I fall right asleep when I’m watching TV, but my eyes are wide open, my head as clear as ever, as soon as I arrive in bed. I was sometimes even afraid of the night coming…..

Amazingly, ever since Covid-19 pandemic, none of them is happening. Isn’t it a wonderful shift?!

But….why? Something must have changed inside me, right? What was it that changed?

I am supposed to be having a boring life of staying home, no stimulations, no personal growth, just everyday mundaneness.

But think, now my mind might be like a new born baby, back to totally natural, with much comfort and no tensions. Thanks to the pandemic, sleeping well might be a reflection of that.

“I don’t have time!” It was my motivational force. I always heard that phrase in my head.

Don’t waste time, get ready as quickly as I can, don’t spend time on unimportant things, but spend as much time as needed for important things. Efficiency, efficiency!!!

I am 64 and my time is limited. While I still have energy and health, I want to do all the things I want to do. I want to go to all the places I want to go.

Perhaps I was too impatient. I was too greedy. I was putting too much pressure onto myself. Insomnia might have been a result of that.

So now, Covid-19 forces me to go nowhere, see nobody, and do nothing. This has become my new reality. Crying, shouting, and complaining have no effect. I have no control over it. For the first time in my adult life, I am free from all the pressure and I have returned to my natural self.

Perhaps I should thank the pandemic for giving me this awareness.

At the zoom zen meditation session, the teacher asked us, “why do you meditate?” He said meditation would help you see yourself deeper and let you know you deeper.

A Presbyterian woman minister named Lynn whom I have never met in person, but follow her on YouTube challenged us. “Easter is about dying and being reborn. in order for new you to be born, the old you has to die.”

What is “old me”? What aspect of me has to die? I was thinking about that ever since I heard her just before Easter. It’s been more than 2 weeks now and I might have the answer just bubbling up in my heart.

Let’s not be impatient. Let’s not put pressure onto myself. The “greedy me”should perish, and “natural me” shall be born. May “new me” have a slow life graceful and mindful. It’s alright if I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do in my lifetime. It’s ok to have some places left unvisited. I already have plenty of gratitudes in my life.

So there! My realization for Easter 2020!

コロナのパンデミックが始まって以来、なぜかよく眠れているんだよね。

それまでの私は眠れなくてあっち向いたりこっち向いたり、座って瞑想してみたり…

隣で眠るニールの規則正しい寝息を恨めしく聞きながら蹴っ飛ばしたい気持ちをやっと抑えて…

果ては起き上がってランプをつけて超面白くない本を選んで読んでみたり…

テレビがついている時は簡単に居眠りしてしまうのに、さて寝室に行ってベッドに入って眠ろうとすると、しゃきっと目が冴えてしまう。夜が来るのが怖いような数年を過ごしたものだ。

それがどうしたものか、パンデミックで家に閉じこもる毎日になったとたん、ぱたっと変わってしまった。何と嬉しいシフト❣️

でもどうしてだろう。何かが私の中で変化したに違いないよね。何だろう。

刺激のない成長のない生活に退屈しきっているはずだったのに…

今このパンデミックのおかげで、生まれたままの自然な私に戻れた安心感に、私の体が反応しているのかもしれないなと思う。

時間がない。考えてみればそれが私の原動力だった。

時間をかけずにできるだけササっと用意して…とか、大事でないことには時間をかけず大事なことにはうんと時間をかけて…とか。

自分の生活を大事なことと大事でないことに分けて、効率的に、自分の人生に残された少ない期間にできるだけ多くのことを達成しようとしていたみたい。

64歳の私が元気で達者で暮らせるのはもしかしたらあと数年しかないかもしれない、と思ってその間にあれもこれもと、やりたいこと全部やって、行きたいところ全部行って…

そう思って焦って突っ走っていたのかもしれない。

ようするに欲張っていたんだね。そうして自分で自分にプレッシャーをかけていた。結果が眠れないって状況だったのかもしれない。

今パンデミックになって、泣いてもわめいてもどうあがいても、どこにも行けないし、誰にも会えないし、何もできない状況になって初めて、自分が自分から解放されたような気がする。情けないけど。

そんな気付きをくれたパンデミックに感謝しなければいけないのかなあと思う。

今朝のズーム座禅で聞いた言葉…なぜ何のために座禅をするのか、それは自分を見つめて自分を知るためだ…。

YouTubeでしか会ったことのないリンという女性の牧師さんが投げかけてくれた言葉、「過去の自分が死んで新しく生まれ変わるイースターの季節、自分が新しくなるためには自分の中の何が死ななければならないか考えよう。」半月くらいずっと考えていたけどやっとフツフツと答えが湧いてきたみたい。

焦るのはやめよう。プレッシャーをかけるのはやめよう。欲張りな自分には滅びてもらって、自然体で、今に感謝して、のんびり、丁寧に生きていこう。一生の間にやりたいことが全部できなくてもいい。行きたいところに行けなくてもいいよね。感謝すべきことは十分あるじゃない。

そんなふうに気づかせてくれた2020年のイースターだった。

Author: Haruyo Abramson

I'm a musician, mom, and grandma, living in BC, Canada with my husband and three dogs.

One thought on “What has changed? コロナのおかげ?

  1. Hi Haruyo,

    Thanks for your message yesterday. I read it just before going on a walk, and it opened my eyes to take in all that I was seeing, instead of thinking about the groceries I was going to buy at Queen’s Market.

    My big news this month is that my daughter gave birth to a sweet little girl, Genevieve, born April 7th. They are at home in West Van, and doing well. I’ve seen her face to face once, and on Monday, through the front door glass panel. God is good and we are thankful.

    Ginger xo

    From: pocoapocowithsmile Reply-To: pocoapocowithsmile Date: Monday, April 27, 2020 at 5:17 PM To: Subject: [New post] Lock down ロックダウン

    Haruyo Abramson posted: ” It’s been 40 days since we came into this lockdown mode here in Canada. For me, this year was supposed to be a busy year including playing organ in some church services and RCCO concert in May. I was going to challenge playing a contemporary piece t”

    Like

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